Including an owner who’s big on that living vicariously thang, obviously. via Fark. Thanks to Random FlyBy, who led us to the Calgarian source, Jeff deBoer and the full gallery. The Samurai Cat is particularly cool.
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No, not kidding (also not dead or arrested, contrary to malicious rumour; just taking the weekend off in a kind of experiment. I have a friend who sends out a suicide note email every two or three years just to see who’ll call…she always seems to do this on a weekend I don’t check email, actually).
You may recall that the Osmonds can, indeed, rock hard when they want to (cf the apocalyptic anthem Crazy Horses), but did you know they could dress up in pimp gear and rip out a good old-fashioned barbershop quintet/funkadelic tune when they felt like it? One needs, one does, to expand one’s understanding of Mormonism (particularly if this is the first one’s heard about Marie’s divorce and finding her kids advertising for sex on MySpace and no, I won’t give you their contact details).
Behold:
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Not actually sexy, but very funny if you get the joke. From the Gawker slushpile.
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Normally, this is the kind of thing you check out at Snopes before posting: a roundup of allegedly authentic suicide notes. But because this comes from The Well, and from Art Kleiner, I’m going to give it the nod for straight posting. If he’s really been duped by a scheming, frustrated novelist of a coroner, that in itself is post-worthy, and besides, these are fascinating to read.
Suicide Notes
These suicide notes were gathered at the coroners’ offices by a suicidologist/psychiatrist who asked to be anonymous. He edited identifying details out of the compiled manuscript, and we changed the names. But the text of each letter plus the age and sex given are real. All these people did kill themselves. Were they ambivalent about it? About half the hundred or so letters we saw seemed to have some element of doubt.(There’s a strange story in computer folklore about a suicide note that appeared late one night on the Arpanet computer network. The other people on the network had regularly corresponded with the mean, but always under the name of his lab not his own name. When the message saying he was killing himself flashed on the screen they tried to call the police, but nobody could identify him, and he died.) — Art Kleiner Single female, age 21
My dearest Andrew,
It seems as if I have been spending all my life apologizing to you for things that happened whether they were my fault or not.
I am enclosing your pin because I want you to think of what you took from me every time you see it.
I don’t want you to think I would kill myself over you because you’re not worth any emotion at all. It is what you cost me that hurts and nothing can replace it…
Married male, age 74
What is a few short years to live in hell. That is all I get around here.
No more I will pay the bills.
No more I will drive the car.
No more I will wash, iron & mend any clothes.
No more I will have to eat the leftover articles that was cooked the day before.
This is no way to live.
Either is it any way to die.
Her grub I can not eat.
At night I can not sleep.
I married the wrong nag-nag-nag and I lost my life.
W.S.
to the undertaker
We have got plenty money to give me a decent burial. Don’t let my wife kid you by saying she has not got any money.
Give this note to the cops.
read the rest Give me liberty or give me death.
W.S….
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For some reason, many men seem to feel that what women really want in a man is want is a yes man, ie someone who, no matter how outrageous her suggestion, always nods and says, “oh that sounds good.” I don’t know if these guys have watched too many episodes of SATC, or if they’re just cribbing off some lame Dave Barry short that he phoned in one day on deadline, but it is not actually true.
Women of a certain, not-too-distant-from-myself type, may want to do things their way, but they would prefer that all involved understand that this is because their suggestion is the best, not because their fellow is a doormat.
Note that although said fellow may, in fact, actually BE a doormat, it’s probably best for him not to give this impression. Given their druthers, women tend to gravitate towards opinionated animals as pets, not the hokey-dokey labrador type. This is telling, fellas. When the leadership finds out, they’ll put a hit out on my ovaries just for telling you this stuff.
Anyway…
So, given that asking and doing exactly what she tells him is, as we’ve agreed, out, what should the ideal boyfriend do for his ladyfriend on the big V-Day?
Exactly what Chuck Norris tells him to.
I know most men just want to spend Valentine’s Day like any other day – eating Doritos and engaging in a little heavy petting with their girlfriends. V-Day “shebangs” are taxing: they require time, planning and extremely large biceps.
However, after extensive research, I’ve devised a simple strategy: just call Chuck Norris.
To explain, since I’ve been at the University, and am thus more acquainted with what I like to call those “hipster, indie types,” I’ve been privy to a lot of interesting conversations. Most of them concern imaginary battles between trendy “It” fantasy genres: Pirate vs. Ninja! Robot vs. Lumberjack! Space Warriors vs. Chuck Norris! OMG, who will win?!? The answer is simple: Chuck Norris ALWAYS wins….
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raincoaster 