Category Archives: Weird

the Rapture index

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 Rapture Index, getcha rapture on!

This looks to be about as accurate as those “arrival/departure” listings at airports, but it’s better than nothing. Until I get my own set of finely-calibrated Swiss stigmata, I’ll just have to bookmark The Rapture Index, your handy-dandy guide to the approaching End of Days.

Today’s forecast is for continued instability, with an expected average Rapture Score of 158 with lows of 151 and highs of 159, which reminds me of the Hard Drug Report (was it Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie?); for the weekend flurries of cocaine are forecast, with highs where you think you’re superman and lows where you’re depressed and impotent.

Let’s go to the snapshot, shall we:

You could say the Rapture index is a Dow Jones Industrial Average of end time activity, but I think it would be better if you viewed it as prophetic speedometer. The higher the number, the faster we’re moving towards the occurrence of pre-tribulation rapture. 

Rapture Index of 85 and Below: Slow prophetic activity 
Rapture Index of 85 to 110:     Moderate prophetic activity 
Rapture Index of 110 to 145:    Heavy prophetic activity  
Rapture Index above 145:        Fasten your seat belts 
I begin to like this guy. He may be a religious nutter, but he's
the kind of religious nutter I'd like to have by my side at the end.

2003 High 177  2004 High 157 2005 High 161 2006 High 159
2003 Low  133  2004 Low  135 2005 Low  143 2006 Low  151

Record High 182        Record Low 57 
24 Sept 01              12 Dec 93

COMMENTS ON ACTIVE CATEGORIES
  02 Occult     The lack of activity has downgraded this category.
 03 Satanism:     Satanism is reported to be flourishing in Russia 
04 Unemployment:     The US job market shows signs of improvement.
05 Inflation:     Higher inflation has rattled the stock market. 
06 Interest Rates:     Federal Reserve raises the core interest rate to 4.75%
07 The Economy     The economies of The U.S. and Japan show healthy growth.
08 Oil Supply/Price     The price of oil climbs to around $70 per barrel.
09 Debt and Trade:     The U.S. federal and trade deficits hit new highs.
11 Leadership     During the past few weeks, several end-time categories have
 become locked in a holding patern.

he’s back!

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TomlinsonSpeaking of zombies, Richard Tomlinson is back online here. The man will not lay down and die; this re-emergence was expected, but frankly I wondered if he was in custody, given that things had seemed to be heading towards a peaceful settlement and then BOOM!

Tomlinson Blog 101 here; Tomlinson Blog Disappeared 101 here.

I was wrong with my guess on the specific TOS violation: Typepad said the Metropolitan Police (who have no juristiction over a blog written in France and hosted in the US) sent a letter of complaint, referencing 4(3) of the TOS, and that they, Typepad, had no choice but to take it down. So all they require is a letter of complaint; no proof, no warrant, no lucid argument, not even an old school tie with the IT department; just a letter of complaint.

For god’s sake don’t tell the creationists about this!

And yeah, he could not be said to be taking this well:

So the Metropolitan Police asked Typepad to suspend my account, and Typepad suspend my account without any warning or explanation, and without offering me any form of appeal. Sounds like they work to the same sort of morale code as MI6!

I have asked Typepad for a refund of my subscription fee, and for a copy of my files, but they have not yet offered this. Luckily one kind reader of my old site had downloaded a mirror, and so you can access all the pages here: http://richardtomlinson.6x.to/

I suggest that any readers who use Typepad as their blog host consider moving their site elsewhere, as it is clear that Typepad is not a robust or secure service.

I thought it was only in China and Iran that the secret police shut down blogs, but it seems that even in America this happens too…

And the specific TOS referenced in the complaint is:

4 PAYMENT TERMS

(3) CANCELLATION AND TERMINATION

If you cancel the Service before the end of the term, your cancellation will take effect immediately. After cancellation, you will no longer have access to your website and all information contained therein may be deleted by Six Apart. Six Apart accepts no liability for such deleted information or content. If you are a Guest, the Account Holder who invites you may request Six Apart to, and Six Apart may, terminate your Service at any time and for any reason. If your credit card is invalid for any reason, the Service may be cancelled and all the information contained within deleted permanently. Six Apart accepts no liability for information that is deleted due to an invalid credit card.

You agree Six Apart, in its sole discretion, may terminate your password, and/or account, and remove and discard any Content within the Service (including, but not limited to your Blog Site if you are an Account Holder), for any reason, including and without limitation, the lack of use, or if Six Apart believes that you have violated or acted inconsistently with the letter or spirit of the TOS. Any contracts, verbal or written or assumed, in conjunction with your deleted Blog Site (as applicable) and all its parts, at Six Apart’s discretion, will be terminated as well. Six Apart may also in its sole discretion and at any time, discontinue providing the Service, or any part thereof, with or without notice. You agree that any termination of your access to the Service under any provision of this TOS may be effected without prior notice, and acknowledge and agree that Six Apart may immediately deactivate or delete your Blog Site, as applicable, and all related information and files. Six Apart reserves the right to bar any further access to such files or the Service. You agree that Six Apart shall not be liable to you or any third-party for any termination of your access to the Service. Paid accounts that are terminated will not be refunded.

master of the zombie boner

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Shaun of the Dead; boy meets ghoulsFor lo, we are an equal-opportunity gonad-make-funner here on the raincoaster blog.

Ya just can’t get a better headline than that one, eh? So I stole it wholesale from Gawker, who did this report pointing to a New York Observer piece on a cosmetic …penologist? who works his sexy magic with whatever bits of Alastair Cooke he can get on the black market out behind Dino’s.

In the name of enlargement, he’s prepared to sever its ligaments, yank it further out of your groin, inject it with fat, and wrap it an am empowering sheath of dead flesh. Not girthy enough? Fear not:

Right now, there are two methods of adding girth to a penis: injecting fat, or wrapping the penis in layers of cadaver skin.

Both have drawbacks, in that the body would like to absorb both fat and skin. Even corpse skin.

So in a way, your significant other gets to engage in a threesome that’s (at least) one-third necrophillic.

Cue the Lovecraft…ah, that’s how he got the name. I gets it now.

Aim for the Head!

Heather has two mommy-caverns

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Surf Safe!Well, it might not be Heather herself; it might not even be any Heather per se.

But this woman had better get a discount on tampons.

There have to be some consolations for going through life with two hoo-haws.

I lost my virginity twice. The first time was when I was eighteen. Then I lost the other side two weeks later. To the same guy. Flowertwat...there's a use for them.

You’d think I could have saved one of them for marriage.

From Esquire, (via Gawker) who really know how to give men what they want. So much for those gay rumours!

Ladyflower

the Calamari Wrestler

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A more or less po-faced remake of Rocky, with the Giant Squid in the role formerly played by Sylvester Stallone. Who can tell them apart, eh?

Can I get a transcript? Any bilingual Japanese Squid fanciers out there?

This wild comedy pokes fun at the world of pro-wrestling by placing its accomplished wrestler protagonist Koji Taguchi against a giant squid known as the Calamari Wrestler. The Calimari Wrestler not only proves to be Koji‘s most difficult opponent yet, but also has an effect on several people’s personal lives when he becomes the unlikely object of a young girl’s affection. A quirky plot, kitsch costumes, and a bizarre romance make director Minoru Kawasaki‘s (ULTRAMAN TIGA) effort an interesting and entertaining watch.