advice columns of the lesser gods

Ramalamadingdong shoesOne does not lightly call the great shoeblogger the Manolo a “lesser” anything, but in a world which considers the phreaky fashion troll John Galliano to be a major god, well we must have a point of differentiation, so there it is.

In the world of advice columns, there is a wide range of approaches and, frankly, quality of advice. I am the humble and ashamed owner of “Can My Bridesmaids Wear Black,” an etiquette book which, at $1.95 for the hardcover on the “Please get these out of our store” table, was overpriced by approximately $2. And all the new (ie late-, as opposed to mid- or early-20th Century) Emily Post books are good primarily as fodder for humorous comparisons with books which don’t suck quite so hard.

In the world of advice columnists, the gods, of greatery or lesseryness as the case may be, there are Miss Manners, Ask a Ninja, Ask a Squid, and The Manolo. Of the first three we shall not speak…yet. Of the Manolo, we shall give only the following, perfect morsel. It is the superfantastic. It will be enough.

Dear Manolo,I’ve bitten the bullet and left academia and gone back to my true love—baking. I am opening a small bakery and I need to some comfortable, yet stylish shoes that have non-slip soles, can bear being covered in butter and sugar, but would still look good when I help in the front.
Kay

The Manolo says,
of the course, there are those who believe that one would be foolish to give up the golden perks of academia, such as the pleasures of frequently reading the papers in which the word “hermeneutics” appears twice in the first sentence, once juxtaposed next to the phrase “Gilligan’s Island”.

What? No more faculty meetings in which the professor of Marxist marketing comes to blows with the elderly Emily Bronte scholar over the matter of parking spaces?

Magritte Bowler shooz

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quiz: what kind of writer should you be?

Meh, not so sure about this one. Precious and heartwarming I am not. Although rage poetry translates really well into metal music, and there’s money in that…hmmmmm


You Should Be A Poet


You craft words well, in creative and unexpected ways.
And you have a great talent for evoking beautiful imagery…Or describing the most intense heartbreak ever.

You’re already naturally a poet, even if you’ve never written a poem.

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

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100% shit-free, this is the absolute best blog plugin the world has ever known. I defy you to find one with more universal appeal. It’s flexible, with a little imagination it works in any theme, and properly installed it entails almost no risk of spreading a virus.

It’s even compatible with a wide variety of platforms, including Blogspot, the trailer tramp of the blogosphere and WordPress.com, the strict English governess of the blogosphere.

Ladies and gentlemen, we present Blog for Sex!

In an effort to encourage me to revive this blog, my wife has imposed this “No blog, No sex” rule. The rule is simple: I am supposed to blog at least once a week in exchange for love-making. The hornier I get, the more blog entries I get to post.

Note that you must upload your own sexual partner, rather than hotlinking Marc’s. Hat-tip to a certain degenerate horse blogger. You may do what you like with THAT mental picture.

Up and Coming! Shape up or slip out!

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the blogger rap

Go on, say it. 

Here’s a little gem from The Assimilated Negro, who apparently gets these urges from time to time. We only give thanks he gets them when there’s a mic handy. Ladies and gentlemen, we present your new theme song.

Rough Draft: Blogging All Over New York

all over new york baby
center of the universe
the blogging here is so crazy right now
that’s why, when I see a girl
i walk right over to her
i’m like yo …

waddup girl, I’m a blogger
assimilated negro looking for fodder
and I’m not your average ipodder
kicking some game
you know my sh*t’s smart, funny,
plus a little insane
(hey)
see TAN is running this town
and if you got some wi-fi
I could show you around
that’s why anywhere online
you’ll be thinking of me
there’s so many blogrolls with people linking to me

And so on, much with the hyperlinkage. That’s the best part, actually. Full lyrics on the site here.

“And what is the use of a blog post,” thought Alice, “without hyperlinks and multimedia?”

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quiz: which Romantic Poet are you?

I tried leaning heavily on my love of daffodils to game this quiz, but I think it could tell I was lying. And just because I’m too old to die young doesn’t mean I’m not Keats, dammit! Fuck- I mean FAUGH!

You scored as Percy Shelley. You’re poet is Percy Shelley. Shelley’s best-known works include his Prometheus Unbound (1819), a lyrical drama in which Shelley expounds the cause of an imaginative revolution, his atheistic poem Queen Mab (1821), his prose essay A Defence of Poetry (1840) and The Triumph of Life, left unfinished at Shelley’s death. Many of Shelley’s other works were written around 1820: these include The Mask of Anarchy (1820), the poem ‘Ode to the West Wind’ (1819), Peter Bell the Third (1819) and the political odes ‘To Liberty’ and ‘To Naples’ (both 1820).

Percy Shelley
69%
John Keats
69%
William Wordsworth
63%
Lord Byron
63%
Samuel Taylor Coleridge
50%

Who is Your Romantic Poet?
created with QuizFarm.com

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