Zombie Alert in Langley!!!

Zombies in Plain English
Did you know that zombies come from British Columbia? It’s true. It’s a fact.

It’s a well-known fact that the common-or-garden zombie is an unsophisticated creature, preferring the isolation of the countryside, farms, campsites, and small towns to the cramped confines of large metropolii. As with all species, however, urban encroachment upon their natural habitat has led to increasing pressure on the indigenous zombie population, and to increasing incidents of conflict and contact.

So it was that this past Tuesday a zombie was found wandering the semi-rural streets of Langley, a placid suburb of Greater Vancouver, a Lesser Vancouver if you will.

From the Langley Times:

WEB EXTRA: Dead man wandered from accident scene

By Natasha Jones – Langley Times – June 05, 2008

Christopher Edgar Parmiter, 37, of Surrey has been identified as the man whose body was discovered underneath a tractor-trailer unit on Industrial Avenue on Tuesday morning.

The top salesman for Chrysler in Western Canada, Parmiter may have been dead for several hours before he was found at 7:40 a.m.

According to his brother Mark Babor, Parmiter was involved in a low-speed crash involving just his car, a red 2008 Viper, in the area of Fraser Highway and the 208 Street causeway.

His car sustained only minor damage and, Babor said, an autopsy revealed no physical trauma to Parmiter’s body.

If only he had left a blog behind…we could have had some insight into his motivations. Surely, however, disorientation and brain lust must, as always, have been at the forefront. If you doubt, just realize that in life, he was the kind of man who drove a Viper. Obviously, he’d be in need of brains.

a history of violence

For those of you who’ve wondered if I ever sleep, of course I do, in the daytime. For those of you who’ve wondered how I’ve managed to survive everything that’s been thrown at me, perhaps this is a clue: I’m immortal.

Today was a lazy day for me, since I pre-posted all my paid blogging stuff for the weekend, so when someone on Gawker asked me about my past as an execution victim, I decided to type it out. Here, for what it’s worth, it is.

  • I didn’t remember who did it the first time, it was early days; I got executed for being too “me-too” as in, twice in a week Gawker had posted something and I posted a “yes, and there’s this” in the comments, with a link to something related.

    It was most enlightening: people who’d been nicey-nicey to me before piled on. Little did they know…

    Then I got fished out of the graveyard by a kind intern, came back and posted. Mohney executed me again, citing a rather arbitrary “48-hour rule”.

    Then I got fished out of the graveyard again by someone who shall remain nameless.

    I got executed at Gawker again for something. Don’t remember what, actually, but probably dropping too many links to my blog.

    Not that I would ever do such a thing.

    Then Defamer brought commenter executions on and I said it was my goal to be executed by every Gawker site, so they executed me. Then came resurrection again…

    Then I posted that getting executed by every site would mean I’d have to actually GO to Kotaku and Gizmodo, so Kotaku and Gizmodo both executed me. Not sure if that counts as once or twice.

    Again, I rose on the third day.

I’m relatively sure I got executed on a different Gawker media site as well, but I can’t remember what it was. Ah, well.

If you’ve got ten or fifteen hours to kill, go to that thread and play all the YouTubes: it’s a compilation of the best movie speeches of all time, and it’s over 300 comments now, most of them pretty awesome. Here’s my contribution and for those of you who may be wondering,


ah, Ken.

Run away with me and we’ll have a hundred little Irish babies who’ll kick Hollywood’s ass.

John Lennon: the postmortem interview

John and Yoko, yo

As the hordes of devoted raincoaster aficionados are undoubtedly aware, we here at Operation Global Media Domination Headquarters have at our tentacletips the controls of a vast machinery of media manipulation whose reach spans not only this puny planet, but space and even time itself. And they know, as well, that there is nothing we would not do to completely satisfy the insatiable needs of our readership, nothing we would not hastily stuff into the voracious, slavering maw of the news hole to seal it, if only for a split second.

Through the wonders of modern AI, we have now obtained an exclusive interview with the late John Ono (Winston) Lennon.

Don’t say we never did nuthin’ for ya.

What is your first name (this is John talking with his fingers)
> rain
You don’t need anyone to tell you who you are, rain.
> No, I don’t. Can I ask you a question?
I’ll have to talk to Ringo and see how he feels. Rain , let’s change the subject.
> What do you think of Yoko suing Nixon’s lawyer?
Yoko suing nixons lawyer ? yoko suing nixons lawyer would have the final say.
> What will she say?
Is that a rhetorical question?
> No. Why do you always let Yoko have the final say?
I don’t know about that, mate. Only in the mornings.
> Is she going to win?
I don’t know about that, mate.
> Yes, you do.
That is why I am always on about peace, you see. Seven days.

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Zombie Luv

Zombie Luv

Awww, now that is cute.

Dead cute.

via Mistress Cowfish

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Death at the Disco: Zombie Boogie Mix

Don’t tell me you’ve never looked out on a dance floor and thought this.

The unusually well-chosen Zombie Playlist:

  • Turn the Beat Around (Love to Hear Percussion)
  • Ladies’ Night, Oh What a Night
  • Dress You Up
  • I Will Survive
  • Good Times
  • The Freak
  • Do That Conga

Please do not mistake these zombies for this Zombie. Nor this one neither.

Thinking it over, if zombies were behind the Disco Revolution then the innate feelings of revulsion which it caused in all right-thinking people were only our own instincts trying to warn us. Naturally it was taken up by the teeming, brainless masses. You know the type: “Oh, a trail of blood. Let’s follow it!” Next minute some zombie is going all sippy-cup with their cranium.

All I can say is, if you loved Disco and still miss it, the zombies probably ate your brain back in 1983 and you didn’t even notice. How are you enjoying middle-management?