The Fool’s Gold Covid Briefing Bingo

Welcome back, Possums. We here at ye olde raincoaster blog are still unclear whether CP Style capitalizes Possums or not, but we’re feeling our collective oats today (and also our coffee, which is beans and thus protein, right? RIGHT?) so we will allow it.

Our briefing bingo today is named after our brief, shattered hope for Universal Basic Income to have been included in the budget presented by Finance Minister and Deputy PM Chrystia Freeland. And also named in accordance with our completely arbitrarily-chosen theme because it’s 2021 and everything is arbitrary. Get a massive mandate from your own party to make Universal Basic Income happen? Guess what doesn’t happen?

we shoulda known, Possums

But I’m over that.

It is definitely, positively not named after the influence mining corporations have on politicians, nope, nosirree Bob, whoever Bob is. He’s your uncle, I guess. Especially if you’re a centrist party looking for donations.

Definitely not named for that. Perish the thought! Because we all know the gold they give to political parties is all too real.

Nobody knows better than this dude.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau speaks while taking part in a ground breaking event at the Iamgold Cote Gold mining site in Gogama, Ont., on Friday, September 11, 2020. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Nathan Denette
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau speaks while taking part in a ground breaking event at the Iamgold Cote Gold mining site in Gogama, Ont., on Friday, September 11, 2020. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Nathan Denette

So far in our arbitrarily-chosen-theme-series, we’ve had:

Guesses in the comments section to win fabulous, completely imaginary prizes. And need we even tell you they’re arbitrary? You’ll have guessed it already, you clever Possums. Or possums. Whatever.

Today we have an unexpected bonus for you: a tenth generation bingo card! Yes, we found 24 new pieces of minutiae to hunt out in these very serious and important political briefings.

It’s almost as if bringing an absurdist lens to processes and systems which expect reverence and obedience under the guise of a simple celebrity culture game allows us to question our fundamental roles, responsibilities, and rights within those processes and systems, or even to choose to define ourselves against them.

And we’re doing this from Ottawa.

When they come for me, delete my cookies, wouldja?

Our video is or will be here, and I sincerely hope CPAC got its placeholder shit together because we’d vastly prefer to keep using their videos. Oh lookie, they did. We feel our complaints reached the proper department at last. 124 watching, with five minutes to go [two hours later, only 840 views]:

On Parliament Hill, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau discusses the federal government’s response to the ongoing COVID-19 (coronavirus disease) pandemic. He is joined by Dominic LeBlanc (minister of intergovernmental affairs), Anita Anand (minister of public services and procurement), Dr. Theresa Tam, Canada’s chief public health officer, and Dr. Howard Njoo, deputy chief public health officer.

And here are our bingo cards. Play one, play all, or play an arbitrarily or randomly chosen subset because the difference between the application of free will and the abnegation thereof is pretty much indistinguishable these days for most of us. There are exceptions, of course.

what Space Karen wants, Space Karen gets

And we’re off, only five minutes late. Let’s dig in, shall we?

Digging all the way to China for gold is a specialty of the BC Liberal party

We don’t have a square for “Shades Covidiots” but he’s doing the hell out of that. Mark “Les un pour les autres” and “Begins in French” “Blue Suit” and “Facial Hair.” Do we have one for “Stepping up?” Mark “Got your back” and “Third Wave” and “Shades Alberta” and “Shades Ontario.”

“PPE” and “Vaccines” and “Pfizer” and “Moderna” too. This is one dense briefing! Trudeau is reminding you to stick with the public health advice, and saying when Covidiots (he doesn’t use the term) gather to protest health guidelines they’re hurting their own freedoms.

Does not use the words “rodeo clowns” but must have been tempted. And mark “Keeping Canadians Safe.”

Mark your “verbal malfunction” a couple of times, somebody is undercaffeinated. And is it my imagination, or is this speech better in French than in English? Oh, and now we’re talking about progress on drinking water. 106 long term advisories lifted isn’t as impressive as you think it is, my dude. This is the 21st Century. Trudeau is, however, doing all he can to collect those First Nations votes; for our American readers, the First Nations are probably the third-most-powerful political demographic in the country, after Francophones and seniors.

Now mark your “religious holiday” and “non religious holiday” squares mentioned. And “Diversity” and “Who we are.” And mark “Peaked lapel” for Anand and “ramping up” a couple of times.

Mark “ramping up” a couple of more times. And if you’re thinking I’m not reporting on the hard numbers of these vaccine dose deliveries, you’re right, because they bore the ever-living fuck out of me. And it’s out of my hands anyway, and yours. The feds are doing their jobs, certain provinces are shiting their respective beds, and there’s fuckall we can do about it short of storming Doug’s Mom’s House which the good people of Etobicoke are never going to do.

God give me the serenity…to accept I live in a Neoliberalist system.


feck awound and find out

Anyhoodle, there are lots of other people who are better than me.

Minister Miller and Anand both give you your “Third Language” square, and Miller is now specifically discussing the vaccine rollout numbers in First Nations as well as lauding some of their reduced case numbers and commitment to public health measures. They are going hard for that vote.

Aha! I just noticed. Miller gives you the “Gingham” square from ages ago, I think the second Bingo card?

Tam tells you last week the world reached 1 billion vaccinated. 7900 new cases daily. 4300 cases in hospital each day, with 47 average daily deaths. Mark “New vaccine” for Janssen and “cases down.” And “Unalloyed statement of optimism” from Dr. Tam, the least likely source. “We can end the pandemic together”. And mark “technical difficulties” because she did get scrambled there for a minute.”

There’s your usual “Dr Njoo isn’t wearing glasses” square. And he gives you the “button-down oxford shirt” too. Oh, and mark “NACI” which was mentioned earlier. I forgot, the squares were coming so fast today.

Now we’re on to questions, and mark your “Drinks water” “Sign language interpreters swapped out” and “Nervous paper straightening” and first question is from Lina Dibb but I didn’t catch what it was. It’s travel-based anyway, and Trudeau gives you the “we are keeping Canadians safe” answer.

“Now is not the time to travel,” he says in English. Ah, it’s a question about vaccine passports and the US, and Trudeau “passes responsibility to Biden” which isn’t a square.

New question about patent waivers for vaccines. “This pandemic isn’t over anywhere until it’s over everywhere…we continue to work to ensure that there are vaccines available to people all around the world” but other than saying the talks about waivers are ongoing, he doesn’t say much one way or the other. Or anything at all.

“Every step of the way” and “Got your backs” and Trudeau soft-pedals it but says yes, they’re considering vaccine passports.

Did I tell you to mark “NACI”? Because do that.

Ryan Tumilty asks if their new advice is going to create vaccine hesitancy, which is a great question. Trudeau comes out as Team Get It Now, no surprise.

Dr Tam says “Canadians should feel positive about getting vaccinated as soon as possible.” And she explains how science on emerging pandemics is always evolving, and people have issues understanding this, but that the best vaccine for you is the first one offered to you. “Canadians should be confident our public health system is giving you the best advice.” It’s odd that the doctor is the voice of optimism in this briefing, but she is.

“Every step of the way” and Trudeau goes ahead and translates for Tam. And he’s putting his mask on now when he’s not talking, which he wasn’t doing before, did I mention that? Mark “Mask” and “Maple leaf accessory” square. And “Facial hair” if you didn’t before because yes, it’s still there.

New question from Mike LeCouteur : “Do you think that NACI still really serves a purpose here?” Trudeau literally repeats the same exact sentence from earlier about every vaccine available in Canada being safe and approved.

Mark your “Telford” square. And mark my words: Trudeau will never eject Telford. And the Tories always attack the women because they assume the women are weaker: Payette, Freeland, Telford. They got one, but I doubt they’ll get another one. Telford is not to be fucked with. They’ll learn, assuming they’re teachable, which is always a question with Those People.

If only Doug had listened to his Big Cool Friend last year

Trudeau has a fine speech memorized about zero tolerance for sexual assault in the military which I may or may not transcribe later. He was prepared and OVER-prepared for this question. Mark “Gesticulates” and “Concerned priest hand clasp. Oh, and “Chevelure deteriorates.”

It is unfortunate but not surprising to see Conservatives playing extremely aggressive partisan games with this issue. My focus, our focus as a government, our focus as a country, needs to be on supporting survivors of sexual assault and harassment and recognizing that the systems that have been in place for many years, in the military and elsewhere, have not given people comfort to come forward, share their stories, and demand consequences. That is a failing that we have collectively had, particularly in the Armed Forces, and it’s something that needs to end. We have taken significant measures over the past number of years, but as we’ve clearly seen, there is much more to do. And that’s why we made announcements last week with Justice Louise Arbour and General Carignan to put in place measures that will make sure that anyone who experiences harassment, assault in the military or anywhere else for that matter in this country has ways to come forward, engage in a process, be supported, and know that we are serious about putting an end to the unacceptable culture that has tolerated this for far too long in our military and in other institutions.

Justin Trudeau

Yet again a question about AZ, the same one basically, even though there haven’t been any examples of the bad thrombosis issue in Canada. Tam is explaining the ROI of getting vaccinated.

Mark “Touches face” and the question is about travelers arriving via flights in Montreal and Calgary are not being fined for skipping quarantine. Which, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK are your law enforcement officers too busy beating up protestors?

Mark “reiterates borders will remain closed” but with a strong “but as porous as ever” implied. We’re about one variant away from the military just rounding people up at Arrivals and bussing them to quarantine camps in decomissioned prisons.

Trudeau “Pushes responsibility to local police” which I’ll say is “provinces” and he’s basically saying it’s not his problem, it’s them not doing their jobs.

Completely different kind of question about taxing web giants like Google, Amazon, etc. like taxing Netflix “in order to be fair to Canadian streaming services” and so on. Trudeau says Canada will bring its policies into line with those of other nations.

And now he’s out, mark your “Brown shoes with blue or grey suit” square. *shudders*

Marieke Walsh is still so, so grateful the people here to answer questions from the press are answering questions from the press. I dunno, maybe she’s just excessively polite? How Canadian. She asks Dr. Tam for specific advice: does she agree with NACI that you should avoid AZ and get mRNA instead? And Tam says get the first shot you’re offered, they’re all approved and safer than getting Covid-19.

Random: I think it’s hilarious the way everyone on this panel is drinking from a travel mug although none of us have gone anywhere in a whole year. It looks like Dominic LeBlanc is gonna give us the “Important panelist does not speak once” square. And Dr. Njoo gives us the “Donc” square, which I thought we weren’t going to get this time.

I forgot to say you can also mark your “Have faith in the system” and “AstraZeneca” and “Neoliberalism” squares.

Mike LeCouteur asks about vaccine mixing, which Dr Njoo had taken in French earlier. Which, mark your “answer is not translated” square. Dr. Tam says it’s very enouraging and they’ll wait for the information. She says all the vaccines in Canada are targeting the spike protein, so it’s possible vaccine mixing is more effective than vaccine purity.

Dr. Tam needs better lighting, because this makes her look like she’s from the Orion system. And we’re all done, and indeed Minister LeBlanc got to sit there for an hour and a half without uttering a single word, so mark that square. That sad, sad square.

can we get this woman better lighting?

Meanwhile, everywhere under Neoliberalism/Late Stage Capitalism, employers are so, so close to realizing why they call it a labour “market.”

One thought on “The Fool’s Gold Covid Briefing Bingo

  1. Reblogged this on #OpCovid19 and commented:

    The Canadian Federal Covid-19 Briefing for Tuesday, May 4, touching on vaccine mixing, AstraZeneca thrombocytopenia, travel restriction flouters, rodeo clowns, and more.

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