Category Archives: Blogging

duelling manifestos: Michelle Malkin vs John BigBooté

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As longtime raincoaster fans know, we luv us a good manifesto. Indeed, there’s no feeling so dear to our shrivelled little cardio-unit as snuggling into bed with a lovely fresh, hard-covered and blood-spattered cri de coeur from some doomed, long-dead revolutionary.

Naturally, when we stumbled across this masterwork from the Amazing Invisible Blog of Alan Smithee, we were floored. John BigBooté, after bursting onto the geopolitical scene with the immortal “Monkeyboy Rant,” had vanished, seemingly into thin air (or at least the Ninth Dimension). We recognized this manifesto from another world for what it is: a work of genius. We were so intoxicated by the fumes of glory arising therefrom that it took a little while and a blog comment from the author before we realized it was a response to yet another manifesto from famous Filipino American Anchor Baby Michelle Malkin.

So there was one to love and one to hate. The yin and the yang. The sweet and the sour. The peanut butter and the chocolate. The sinigang and the balut.

Dear Muslim Terrorist Plotter/Planner/Funder/Enabler/Apologist,

You do not know me. But I am on the lookout for you. You are my enemy. And I am yours.

I am John Doe.

I am traveling on your plane. I am riding on your train. I am at your bus stop. I am on your street. I am in your subway car. I am on your lift.

I am your neighbor. I am your customer. I am your classmate. I am your boss.

I am John Doe.

vs

Dear Monkeyboy/Black ‘Lectroid/Hong Kong Cavalier/Kolodny Brother/Radar Blazer/Yakov Smirnoff,

If you don’t know me by now, you’ll never ever ever know me. Oooooo-oooo-ooooo. I’m on a hunt I’m after you. I’m hungry like the wolf. You are my everything.

I am rubber. And you are glue.

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s to be mistaken for somebody else.

I Am John BigBoote.

I am traveling to Planet 10. I am riding in the troop transport. I am in the pod ship. It’s a very bad design.

I’m driving in my car.  I turn on the radio.  Here in my car.  I feel safest of all.

I am your neighbor.  I am your customer.  I am a rock.  I am an island.  History is made at night. Character is what you are in the dark.

I Am John BigBoote.

Michelle Malkin. Is he holding a herring just off-camera?Bigboote. John BigbooteWell, which would you rather take to bed, eh?!

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momma’s got a brand new blog!

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Alert the media: They’ll be thrilled.

If the Friday the 13th movies were filmed in Canada! 

Okay, so maybe it wasn’t a great idea to launch this blog on Friday the 13th.

We shall not let that stop us! Blogroll/ignore at will! We shall be running through rain relentlessly, regardless!

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MC Nuts vs the Shat: rapping the classics, old skool

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I love that the YouTube post for the following says, with a boundless and entirely irrational optimism, “See http://www.utalkmarketing.com for more like this,” almost as if you’d want to. The shrivelled and crusty cockles of one’s heart are bewarméd at their boyish enthusiasm and entirely unjustifiable pride in product. You GO, girlfriends!

How not to rap the classics: with a cheap squirrel costume, rancid moves, a transparent mercenaric desperation to appeal to “yoof,” and an intrusive fake “street” accent, eg the Lake Country‘s tourism campaign’s would-be-viral video of Wordsworth‘s great Romantic poem, “I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud“.  

Contagious? Like ebola, baby! This thing has infected hard drives all over the world and, in fact, any laptop laid on a table that’s had an electronic device that has played this within the last thirty days is 80% likely to have its circuits liquified, spewing silicon in horrific gushes from every oriface.

Now, watch how it should be done, by that master of subtlety, The Shat!

Honestly, when William. Fucking. Shatner. pulls this off better than you, it’s time to turn in your Norton Anthology.

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Fame, Glory, Sex and Money through Blogging: what it takes to beat the squirrel babies

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Jedi Squirrels unite! 

Fame. Glory. Sex. Money. You want it all. You want it now.

And you want to get it by blogging.

I hear you, baby. I know how you feel. I’m one of you.

I’m about to give you some bad news…

The Fame? That comes fast, as long as you define “fame” as “slightly known, in that they can kindasorta recognize my header but have no idea what I look like way, to people who already read blogs.” This is a smaller group than you currently imagine, and even your late-night entreaties of the retired longshoremen on the rail at your local watering hole are not likely to change it on a measurable scale.

If you want to be famous to politicians’ research staffers, WoW-playing slackers, or sysadmins, however, you’ve got it made.

The Glory? See above, plus your mother will be proud of you once you spend three consecutive holidays explaining to her what blogging is and showing her how to put YOUR blog in HER email signature. Unless you’re a porn blogger, and then we don’t want to know about your relationship with your mother.

The Sex? You mean with other people? What would I know about that? Ask the porn bloggers if you must.

The Money?Ah, the money. Now we come to it; you figured that if you stuck Adsense on your cat blog that you could just sit back and watch the millions roll in, didn’t you? You’ve taken a couple of overpriced SEO seminars and can’t understand why you aren’t able to quit your day job just yet.

In point of fact, there are three ways to earn six figures from blogging.

  1. Be Robert Scoble.
  2. The engtech method
  3. The Manolo method

Of these three, we at the ol’ raincoaster blog favour #3, for lo, we are in truth and in fact not Robert Scoble and yea verily we can hardly understand what engtech says half the time (and could only get a six-figure job if you left out the decimal entirely), so that leaves only one option.

Fortunately, the Magnanimous Manolo has laid out a simple yet superfantastic planenabling you to scale the heights of the six-figure-blogo-strato-sphere. Or, as he puts it, “to beat the squirrel babies.”

You may think, Mr. Arturo G. Bloggerman, that your grand mission is to enlighten the unwashed masses, to whom you declaim the unpleasant truth from your exalted perch at declaimingloudly.blogspot.com. But in the point of fact, if the unwashed masses do not find your loud declamations entertaining they will quickly move down the street to the Cuteoverload to look at the pictures of the squirrel babies.

So, what must you do to compete with the squirrel babies?

Read the rest of the articleto learn the superfantastic surefire secret to six-figure success!
(sorry, been reading a lot of marketing faff lately)

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by request 2

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Coyote on train in Portland. Wow, that is one advanced transit system!The digestive system of a coyote. I’ve no idea why anyone would come to my blog searching for the digestive system of a coyote, but there are worse places to look: I’ve probably got one under one of these piles of laundry…

The digestive systems of all canids are remarkably alike and they all function in the same way. The overall length of the canid digestive tract is short although it remains relative to the size of the dog. This aids in rapid digestion of raw meat. Their simple monogastric stomach is a storage organ capable of holding large amounts of nutrient dense meat and fat. The other function of the stomach is to secrete concentrated solutions of hydrochloric acid, which create the highly acidic environment necessary for initiating digestion of protein in meat and bones as well as destroying pathogenic bacteria that may be ingested.The small intestine is responsible for digestion and for the absorption of nutrients. The carnivore’s gut is extremely efficient at digesting protein and fat, as long as there is little or no carbohydrate (grain-starch) present. Experiments which have measured the amounts of various nutrients eaten and compared these with the amounts passed in canine feces have shown that a healthy animal loses no more than four percent of its fat intake and only a trace of protein. The digestive efficiency of raw meat is 95% and takes place in 2 to 3 hours.The small intestine joins with the large intestine through a small appendage called the cecum. While this has no real purpose in a carnivore, it should be acknowledged as this is a key difference between a carnivore and an herbivore. By the time the food has passed through the animal’s small intestine, the process of digestion and absorption of the nutrients in the food is complete. The large intestine has only one function, which is to extract fluids and form waste material where it is stored in the rectum until it is expelled. The gastrointestinal tract of a carnivore is virtually sterile as most bacteria and other micro-organisms are destroyed by hydrochloric acid in the stomach. Those bacteria that are not eliminated are seldom able to survive the digestive processes. The colon is the exception, as it houses a variety of organisms which form vitamins such as pyridoxine, vitamin B-12, biotin, vitamin K and folic acid.

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