Tom Cruise will eat your placenta, bitch!

The Fuggers have done it again. Gawd, I love those bitches. And, since my partner in literary snark also ran off to get married, I feel a spiritual kinship to them.

Now, if only I could write something half as funny as this. Alas, it's probably just the Bombay Sapphire that's holding me back. Yeah, that's it. Tom thinks I need more … vitamins:

Mission Unfuggable III: A Play In Three Acts

ACT ONE: THE SURPRISE ARRIVAL

Tom Cruise sneaks up on PSH to eat his placenta

The Place: The Mission Impossible III junket in Rome.  Unbeknownst to Philip Seymour Hoffman, his placid afternoon of talking to journalists about the role America's been dying to see him in — as the Man Who Beats the Shit Out of Tom Cruise — is about to be interupted by none other than Tom Cruise HIMSELF…

But Tom is not alone. He has brought three things: his weird new bangs, his tight girl jeans, and his total divorce from reality.  He thinks,  "AT LAST! I have arrived to SAVE THIS PRESS JUNKET! I can just sneak up behind Hoffman and SAVE THESE GLIB JOURNALISTS FROM HIS REIGN OF TERROR If I'm very, very quiet, HE'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT HIM. I'M A HERO! AGAIN!"Tom Cruise Psych

I think Act Two is my favorite. Yep, this one is up there with the Lindsay Lohan/Sharon Stone Drunk post from Oscar night.

Obituary: Jane Jacobs

Jane Jacobs

NEW YORK (AP) – Jane Jacobs, an author and The Death and Life of Great American Citiescommunity activist of singular influence whose classic “The Death and Life of Great American Cities'' transformed ideas about urban planning, died Tuesday, her publisher said. She was 89.

Jacobs died at a Toronto hospital, which she entered a few days ago, according to Random House publicist Sally Marvin. The author, who would have turned 90 on May 4, had been in poor health.

A native of Scranton, Pa., Jacobs lived for many years in New York before moving to Toronto in the late 1960s. She and her husband, architect Robert Jacobs Jr., were unhappy that their taxes supported the Vietnam War and moved to Canada. Robert Jacobs died in 1996.

Jacobs, who based her findings on deep, eclectic reading and firsthand observation, challenged assumptions she believed damaged modern cities – that neighborhoods should be isolated from each other, that an empty street was safer than a crowded one, that the car represented progress over the pedestrian.

Her priorities were for integrated, manageable communities, for diversity of people, transportation, architecture and commerce. She also believed that economies need to be self-sustaining and self-renewing, relying on local initiative instead of centralized bureaucracies.

Jacobs received a number of prizes, including a lifetime achievement award in 2000 from the National Building Foundation in Washington, D.C.

You can’t buy publicity like this

Big Bubba

Revenge of the Shit

Revenge of the Sith...Shithead

From The Smoking Gun:

So what kind of guy parades around in the middle of the day with red and black paint on his face a la Darth Maul? The kind who waves a fake gun around outside a school and then escapes on his waiting skateboard.

Hacked. Someone soon to be whacked.

Fine, hack my site. Change my immortal prose; anything you could do would be inferior. It wouldn't bother me, and might be good for a laugh.

But do not take the post below this and change "Stephen Harper" into "Paul Martin" while I am out at dinner.

Not if you value the only testicle you possess.

I will take my born-and-raised-on-military-bases fist and I will put my father's medals in it and I will go proctological and evisceratory on your sad, sorry and pox-ridden ass.

And I will hunt you down and post your name, address, phone number, tween-baiting Myspace site, LavaLife profile, and dick size to this website (it can measure down to electron microscope levels), and then I will go down to the police station and I will hook this up to the cyberstalker of several years ago, and they will hunt you down and they will spay and neuter what's left of you once I'm done, and we will ship it to your mother in eight separate Tupperware containers.

In the meantime, sodium fluoroacetate solution brings weight loss & penis growth. Try it!!

Save me some time, Loserboy.

FYI:

CIA Surrender Manual. Think About It. You'll Love PMITA Prison