Interpersonal Communications for White Girls

I HAVE to try this. I wonder if I could get the bus all to myself with this.

“Just throw him The Face for awhile!”

Now, on the off chance that you’re short of inspiration for The Face, you can click over the jump and read all of today’s most skeeve-inducing gossip links.

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A Love Story for Our Time

Internet Love never works out

Internet Love never works out. Lavalife has a lot to answer for.

Haven’t we all had that experience? The tall, handsome, male charmer online somehow morphs, in between tweeting and meeting, into a stubby, Faces-of-Meth, hermaphroditic, spectrum disorder-having bedwetter. Oh, there may be plenty of fish out there, but YOU try getting one to make conversation over a nice entree.


The Booty Call of Cthulhu

The Booty Call of Cthulhu

Kate Gosselin will settle for just ANYONE.

Anybody need a stiff drink after that? Apparently I need a Bloody Mary:

You Are a Bloody Mary

You’re a fairly serious drinker who’s experimented a lot with different drinks.

You know what you like to drink, but you’re not a snob. You’ll drink anything in a pinch. 

You’re a drunk, but you are a stable drunk. You don’t ever let your drinking get out of control.

You’re the one who keeps everyone levelheaded, even if you’ve had the most to drink.

If you don’t feel like a drink but have been inspired to take quite a different kind of action, here’s the “what kind of toilet user are you” quiz that you didn’t know you were waiting for.

Your Toilet Personality is Social

You’ll go anywhere, anytime, with anyone. In fact, you secretly talk on the phone when you’re in your “office.”

For you, going to the bathroom is no big deal. And you going shouldn’t be for anyone else either. 

You don’t mind public restrooms – in fact, you sort of like the energy they bring to the act.

When you’re on the toilet, you consider yourself a bit of a performance artist.

As always, your mileage may vary. And so via natural progression to the celebrity gossip links for today.
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The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre/Roundup

Did you have a good Valentine’s Day? Was it filled with the company of one who adores you, flowers, choccies, and expensive baubles in tiny velvet boxes? Yes?

Well, fuck you.

Ah, Valentine’s Day: that time of the year when smug couples magically up their smugness by a factor of twenty but somehow, appallingly, you are still not allowed to garrote them with the tawdry pink ribbons from their bouquets. The world is not yet just, as Immanuel Kant could have told us. HE wouldn’t have lorded it over singletons; HE surely wouldn’t have ragged on Jesus for being dateless every damn February 14th.

Which brings me to my point: me. Well, I certainly can’t complain about the company I had for Valentine’s Day (me) and unlike most of those couples, I was never for a moment in any uncertainty whatsoever about whether or not I was getting laid that night.

Which reminds me of the time I was at the drugstore buying, get this, Virgin Springs mineral water, and I realized it was Valentine’s Day.

But that was so long ago now…three years goes by in a heartbeat.

In any case, because Valentine’s Day posts are mega hit bringers in this day and age where you may not care enough to send the very best, but you care just enough to send an e-card, here is a roundup of the very very bestest commemorative Valentine’s Day thingies I saw on the internet yesterday.

Read ’em and weep.


A ten tentacle salute to love!

A ten tentacle salute to love!

Because the thing about stock Valentine’s Day cards is: not enough tentacles. Hat tip to MistressCowfish

I DID get a Valentine of sorts in the comments on Gawker:

TWO headlines and one picture (headline chopped off) is all the new format allows me to see in the sidebar. TWO headlines. How the fuck is anyone supposed to read Gawker that way??? Don’t you know how many people you lose with every forced click??? You lose eighty percent.

Jesus Christ, when even raincoaster is driven to a) comment elsewhere b) refer to herself in the third person, you know you’ve alienated people.

I still like the look of it. I just cannot use it. BRING BACK THE ENDLESS SCROLL FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

Wow, nice to see a familiar face (since there are fewer and fewer here). Have you realized that Denton, based on his published remarks and leaks, is actually trying to reduce comments?

Five days in, and the absence of most of the critical social intranetworking tools (hearting, messaging, and comment notification) speaks volumes.

This post (“Welcome to the New Gawker”) has been removed from the front page of this new newspaper. And I hear the death rattle of the former, enjoyable brouhaha that we knew as commenting.

I can’t comment at all now. Doubt this will go through. Every time I try to go to I get redirected to and FUCK THAT WITH A CHAINSAW.

I love the clean look. I just cannot use this shit. Also, I appear to be banned again, as all my comments get “Post failed” notifications. Reducing comments? If he’d banned me last year, he would have cut back on them 50%~!

You don’t appear to have be banned. In fact, your screen name in your reply to which I am replying still bears your star. I think that the coding problems are still around and might account for your difficulty with posting a comment.

I know we weren’t especially close, but it seems like only yesterday we were connecting effortlessly every month or so. I recall a story about your meeting William Gibson, I think, but it would be so difficult now to go back through the comments and find it. It’s so odd to have lost so many connections so quickly.

I still come back here from time to time, I think because Gawker played a big part in my life for a while. I haven’t read any articles because it’s such a different approach visually and maybe editorially. If I want serious content, I am going to go to a major newspaper site like or unplug and read something pressed onto paper.

PS Gawker has really gotten you worked up–I’ve never seen you scream in caps before. You’re gorgeous when you’re angry.

I’m going to count this as a Valentine whether you like it or not.

If I had known this was a date, I would have washed off the trail dust and brushed my hair with a frying pan. Maybe you’re earthy, though, and okay with it all.

Here, love, I took my Bowie knife and carved a slice of Logan bread into the shape of a heart just for you.

Awwww. Are we sure this isn’t Gawker Dating?


Welcome to the Satellite of Love
Welcome to the Satellite of Love

Geek Valentine’s cards! A whole gallery of Time Lordian and Han-shot-firstian goodness.

A little love song from Tom Lehrer: I Hold Your Hand in Mine, Love:

via HellSquidInternational

Valentines for those who have stopped pretending, from MyConfinedSpace:

The confined space is between my ears

The confined space is between my ears

Valentines for Hopeless Realists (I’d actually send these)


I am ALL OVER the baseball one

I am ALL OVER the baseball one

The social media fallout of an iconic romantic moment: This chick is SO not getting a backstage pass.


I never would have gone out with that mope in the first place

I never would have gone out with that mope in the first place

Sissydude Valentines! I think this brand has a lot of potential.


Isn't that cute, he sent his valentine to a pony. I think???

Isn't that cute, he sent his valentine to a pony. I think???

A Valentine from Godzilla:


Does anything say Post-Modern Japan like Haiku and Godzilla?

Does anything say Love In Post-Modern Japan like Haiku and Godzilla?

When you think of passionate romantic attachment, who do you think of? That’s right:

Noam Chomsky.


Alone Noam Moar!

Alone Noam Moar!

Something for cat ladies:


and your Morrissey albums. There's that too.

and your Morrissey albums. There's that too.

The New York City department of Health just launched an iPhone app that shows you where you can get free condoms:


Now THAT is servicey!

Now THAT is servicey!

This Valentine is…touching.


From your lips to ... never mind, don't think about that part

The Human Centipede Valentine: From your lips to ... never mind, don't think about that part

For the bookish, there are NPR Valentines:

This Valentine was brought to you by National Public Radio, and by listeners like you

This Valentine was brought to you by National Public Radio, and by listeners like you

The New Yorker brings you a selection of dirty pictures with intellectual pretensions, so it’s okay to look if it’s by Ellen Unwerth, etc. Here’s Nan Goldin’s image, perfect for the one who plays Nancy Spungen to your Sid Vicious.


Be My ... collateral damage

Be My ... collateral damage

A roundup of the most uncomfortable screen kisses of all time (and yeah, they even got Howard the Duck in there):

Ben Kling does nifty series of dictator valentines, including the least flexible dictator ever, HAL:




via NegevRockCity

The linear-thinking National Post presents a flow chart of how to buy flowers for Valentine’s Day:


If you need this, you shouldn't be having sex in the first place. You might reproduce

If you need this, you shouldn't be having sex in the first place. You might reproduce

Salon brings us Valentine Candy Hearts of the Stars.


Or it would have been, if he had exact change

Or it would have been, if he had exact change

Here’s to Valentine’s Day!


Bottom's Up!

Bottom's Up!

If all of this has you bummed out and feeling hopeless, HAVE I GOT AN OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU!!!

If you’ve read this far in a Valentine’s Day post posted the day AFTER Valentine’s Day, I know one thing: You, my friend, have a deep and abiding interest in romantic pursuits, or at least cheap sex. Wouldn’t you like to support a cause that combines them both, plus patriotism? Sure you would.

What’s this about? Take a heart and turn it upside down, and that’ll give you a clue:

That's right, BEAVER!!!

That's right, BEAVER!!!


I heard on Vancouver is Awesome‘s 100.5 The Peak segment this weekend that a campaign is underway to save Beaver Lake that would see an investment of $100,000 for dredging and restoration by the Vancouver Park Board. Without these efforts, the Stanley Park Ecology Society says the lake could dry up within the next decade or two.

Come on, people. We KNOW you love the beaver!

Research paper of the day: snot otter sperm

le otter du snot

snot that important, really

So apparently the Snot Otter, aka Hellbender aka Devil Dog is endangered. “Very little reproduction has taken place in recent years.” Well, looking at one, I can believe it; he’s totally let himself go. Get that salamander to a gym, give him a good skin care routine and equip him with a few dance moves and next stop: PlentyOfFish!

This was an addendum to a research post about hipsters linked to by Gawker, but thank god for once I read right to the bottom. It is possibly the most interesting research notation I’ve read since the Journal of Irreproducible Results posted the Psychology of the Necronaut.

From Miller-McCune Magazine:

“Dr. Agnew and Dr. Carleton’s expertise and equipment were invaluable in helping us validate and document the results of our initial cryopreservation trials with the hellbender semen.” — Sally Nofs of the Nashville Zoo, on efforts to develop conservation techniques to sample and freeze sperm from the last surviving hellbender salamanders — the largest kind in North America — which are also affectionately known as “snot otters” or “devil dogs.” Note: We made none of this up.

I believe you.

Zombie Sex Guide: a public service announcement

Today’s safe sex warning comes to us from Zombieland, just in time for Halloween. While you’re out there shopping for your Slutty Zombie/Playa Zombie costume, remember not to make it too realistic. You don’t want anyone avoiding you because of any of the following zombie-specific sex challenges:

  • crotch rot
  • S&M without the sting
  • insertion without the option of exertion (dropped limb syndrome)
  • or the truly terrifying consequences of necronautical oral sex:
That totally blows, guys
Zombie blow jobs suck.

Oral sex can be challenging for zombies, especially if you’re in a state of advanced decay or have taken a lot of physical damage. The repetitive sucking and mouth movement can overtax the jaw joint and cause permanent dislocation of the mandible. In addition, your partner’s genitalia may have degenerated to the point of being unrecognizable. And if you thought the smell was bad before…