And they called it puppy love
Oh i guess they’ll never know
how an old fart really feels
and just why I can’t let him go…

Mortifying Confession Alert: I used to steal my little sister’s Donny and Marie albums and listen to them when she was asleep, particularly the really corny tunes. But my parents figured it was probably healthier for me than sneaking out to go drinking, so they didn’t interfere.

What can I say? I had a boring youth, even for a Canadian. In fact, I had a number of boring youths…but that’s a tale for another time.

and they called it GenX love
just because I’m past my teens
tell them all
please tell them it isn’t fair
to take away my only dream

Yes, ladies, we can still live the dreams of our youth, particularly if we take our glasses off for that nice, soft focus that makes everyone look just a little bit more like we remember. Donny Osmond is back, and raincoaster’s got him. Or at least, I’ve got this silly flash game, which is the next best thing. Compare and contrast to the Britney Spears Grab the Sex Tape game: Toss Donny a rose from the back row of the concert hall and make him fall in love with you.

Awwwwwwww.

I drive all night
to go see you
these seats are a real pain
I hope and I pray
that maybe someday
I’ll be down (I’ll be down) in the front row
once again

If he snatches your rose, you advance to the next level, which is something like a very euphemistic version of the life path of Pamela DesBarres. Also, if you go up a level he throws you a kiss and sings yet another song of the Seventies, and quite frankly, can you ever have enough of either of those?

someone help me
help me
help me please
will he catch it in his glove?
how can I
oh how can I tell him
to ignore that bitch, Courtney Love

You cannot pass up this opportunity. You cannot fool ol’ raincoaster here: she scored a part-time gig as a surveillance tech for Santa so she sees you when you’re sleeping, she knows when you’re awake, she knows when you’ve been bad or good and she sure as HELL knows you’ve still got that unrequited crush on Donald Clark Osmond, so don’t just sit there, do something about it! Don’t forget the life lessons the Osmond Family taught us: don’t end up like the two in this ancient classic. Seriously, it’s worth slogging through to level eight, just to hear him do Barry Manilow‘s immortal Mandy. Should I mention the current high scorer in this game is named Aaron? You GO girlfriend!

someone help me
help me
help me please
should I lob it up above?
how can he
oh how can he catch this?
this is not a puppy love
(this is not a puppy love)
(this is not a puppy love)
not a puppy love
(this is not a puppy love)

(oooooooh yes it is)

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