Category Archives: Humour

rant o’ the day: engrish angst

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InsaneI love the “Next Blog” button on WordPress.com. I read the most interesting things that way. Today, after a far-too-long spell of nothing but missionary blog after mommy blog after missionary blog after mommy blog after real estate spammer, I came across the following, and let me tell you, it was refreshing.

In fact, it was so refreshing, let me tell you again.

It was refreshing.

There, I said it.

Well, it was.

I mean, how many “Gosh, Joe-Bob Junior is six months old today! I can hardly believe it, but it was his four month check up sixty days ago and I guess Susan’s mom says that makes it six months and Susan’s mom’s really smart. I hope I raise my youngsters like Susan’s mom. Susan turned out really cool. Not like me, lol, my mother would look at me and say “Your a mess” well i am, and i mean to lose this baby weight i WILL but it all takes time and meanwhile I am a BIG BEAUTIFUL WOMAN not some stick figure like those girls on the tee vee that Big Joe-Bob watches all the time,” can you really read without wanting to put your fist through the cathode ray tube and saw through your carotid artery with the shards of glass?

Not too many.

And along came this:

I want talk singlis and bad engrish today.

I grow so many fats. Now I like pig so fat like that. EEEEEEE. Last time I smile can see cheekbones, now see what? FATS. I go jogging jus now and I cannot run at all lor. My legs like make of metal like that.

Now I wan to slim down! ON DIET! But also mus exercise lor.

Anywayssxzxz, I sood be in GENTING NOW. But I in SINGAPORE!!! I HATE O’S AND PRELIMS!!!!!!!! dRiViNg mE cRaZyYyYy!!!!!!!

Yes, apparently they are.

But still, think about it. One of the things everyone slobbers all over Hemingway for is his unique use of language. And, really, it’s the only thing going for Dickens besides the broad appeal of mawkishness. This blog entry is, I suggest, as different from the run of the mill English you read as Runyon or Shakespeare, and possibly even Spencer.

And far more amusing.

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Cthulhugami

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I hate it when BoingBoing is on something before I am. Once! Once in six months! Time for some affirmations.

My self-esteem is intact. I am worthy. I have the respect of the Cthulummunity and the admiration of my peers. Yes, I do.

And I’m not defensive, either.

Bloody hell. Here, several days late, is the brazilliant, step by step photodocumentation of the creation of the immortal Origami Cthulhu!

Sometimes I think the most merciful thing in the world is the inability of human fingers to call into being the greatest of the Great Old Ones. We live in an origami-versions-of-Elder-Gods-free world, and it is not meant that we should fold.

Cthulhu origami

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Star Trek and the Red Jersey of Death: the math

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lolredshirts

At last a twisted genius has applied some higher math skillz to the age-old question of just how deadly is the red Starfleet uniform?

Answer: pretty damn deadly.

Probability of a red-shirt casualty= 53%
14% of fights ended in a fatality (with a 72% chance the fatality wore a red shirt)
Probability of a red-shirt “incident” when Kirk has a “conquest” = 12%

Which leads to some truly fascinating conclusions:

As the data shows, Captain Kirk “making contact” with alien women has an impact on the crew’s survival. The red-shirt death rate is higher when a fight breaks out than when Kirk meets a woman and a fight breaks out. Yet the analysis shows that meeting Kirk meeting women only happens in 30% of the missions.

Conclusion:
We can reliably improve the survivability of the red-shirted crewmen by only exploring peaceful, female-only planets (android and alien females included).

I particularly love the Powerpoint presentation. Surely, surely, those wizened old Admirals would enjoy the slides as well, for getting in those needed snoozes. Yes, the whole intricate and elegant article on the morbid red shirt is really a stalking horse, to distract you from the fact that, like it or not, you’re reading a comparative analysis of bar graphs vs Powerpoint vs pie charts. It’s as if the anonymous Fellini of the flipchart from Ross Perot‘s campaign finally busted a nerdish nut and this is the offspring.

May he live long and, yes, prosper.

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Cthulhu Ctholouring Book

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Cthulhu monsters by mail

Awwwwwwww, isn’t He adorable? So Cthute! Hat-tip to Cobwebs for this one.

Monster by Mail is as bizarre a fundraiser as I’ve ever seen, and as you know, we’re all about the bizarre and somewhat about the raising of funds here (didja notice the Paypal button? Support Operation Global Media Domination Now! Currently the status of OGMD is Global Media Slightly Annoyed, and that simply won’t do!) so here we are, posting about it.

It’s a natural, really. The birth of a baby brings great joy to the family and, not infrequently, thoughts of grim death, particularly at three in the morning when you’ve got a big meeting at eight and the sprog has been trying out for the Olympic Yodelling team for the past four hours.

And it is a fact universally acknowledged that a young, artsie, American couple in possession of a new baby must be in want of a bit of spare cash.

So Monster by Mail was born.

Summer is Here! And you know what that means: BRAAAINS! This round of Monster By Mail is a good-old fashioned standby: Zombies. Here’s how it works. You give me a name for your Zombie and I’ll draw it. You’ll get the original art in the mail within a few days. For an extra ten spot, I’ll make a video of the creation of your monster. And for the best value, choose the Mondo Monster Package* which gets you art, video and a “See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Eat Brains” Zombie T-shirt with your order. (See it right here.) (And yes, I can do cartoonish zombie portraits if you ask nicely and provide a decent photo.) So what are you waiting for? Grab a blunt object and let’s start killing… er, drawing some zombies!

And now, the colouring book! Why didn’t I think of this for my birthday? Colouring in a Cthulhu colouring book has got to be the best way I can think of to prevent creeps from talking to you on the bus!



Zombie Letters from e-zombie.com

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US National Sandwich Month: what’s your dream sandwich?

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Sandwich art

Go on, you know how to use the Comments section!

UPI, in a healthy-eating initiative, has spread the word that August is National Sandwich Month in the US, if not in the land of the Sandwich‘s birth. And indeed, the sandwich is an invention to be celebrated: you’ll note there is no such thing as “National Carpal Tunnel Syndrome Month” or “National Misogyny Month”.

With or without mayonnaise, seafood- or meat-based, buttered or margarined or dry, the sandwich is truly one of the highest achievements of the culinary arts and should be rightly honoured in its course.

As with anything that lays as close to the human heart as the sandwich, we all have our own preferences and prejudices. We all have our unique tastes. And I invite you to contribute yours, twofold, in the comments section.

I’ll go first:

1) Clooney, raincoaster, Rickman.

2) Croissant, avocado, shrimp, mayo, sprouts.

Yeah, bit of a comedown, so to speak. But a girl has to keep her strength up somehow!

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