if it smells like a fish, eat it

I stole that from a Republican, and if all Republicans thought that way I’d be nicer to them.

It’s a fish roundup for Good Friday here on the ol’ raincoaster blog; my Catholic ancestors must be recrudescent this weekend (is some chippy Brit going to get up my nose about using big words again? I love that: fresh prey).

the toothsome tiger fish 

The fearsome, toothy Tiger fish from the Congo; why would the Congo have tiger fish if Africa has no tigers? Eh? Can you answer me that?

Thai Catfish

This Thai Mekong catfish at 2.7 meters long (9 feet, give or take) may be the biggest freshwater fish ever caught. Gallery of giant Thai catfish photos here, array of giant Thai catfish breaded filets TBA.

Just a side note: the fish was alive when caught, and was injected with fertility drugs so it could be used in a breeding program. Whatever was in the drugs, it died that day, and uh, well, uh, one doesn’t want to make pointed remarks about the intelligence or lack thereof of Thai people, but they ate it. That same day.

Alaskan rockfish

This Alaskan Rockfish is estimated between 90 and 120 years old, which would put its birth back in the pre-Information-or-Otherwise-Superhighway days, indeed, back before horseless carriages. It, too, has ended up as fish sticks. Bon appetit!

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worst date ever

from the Archive. This won me a nice little book prize from Two Dollar Radio, which is frankly the only glory this Vancouverite has ever gotten out of the Manhattan literary establishment, aside from the glories of Gawker commenter status.

Bad dateI should have known it was going to be a long night when he asked me if I minded going out “after rush hour, when the bus fare goes down.”

He was tall. He was handsome. He was fit. He was educated, intelligent, in law school.

He was in love with Rebecca.

How do I know this? He told me. At length.

In the restaurant, he insisted on ordering a particular dessert wine with the main course. Bewildered, I wondered if it was some new foodie fad. No, he said, it was because it was called “Sweet Rebecca,” and that was his ex-girlfriend’s name.

She dropped him. She was cruel, and sweet, and had hair like golden silk, or so I was informed. When not explaining how perfect she had been, he spent many a long, silent moment staring into the glass and murmuring “Sweet Rebecca.”

At one point he pulled out a ten-dollar bill and showed me the family resemblance to John A. MacDonald, to which I could only reply, “Yes, one of Canada’s truly great alcoholics.” It was a little too late to impress me by then. And he’d drunk most of the wine, although I could have used a Martini or four, myself.

On the way home, he borrowed bus fare; I never intended to see him again, however decorative he may have been, but at a dollar seventy-five to get rid of him it was a steal. On the long, no, endless ride home, he had one more golden memory for me. Halfway home, he slowly removed his ski gloves and proceeded, methodically, to pick his nose.

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Keith Richards: oh no he DIDN’T!

Keith Richards was pretty...forty years ago 

No, really, he didn’t.

Despite remarks made in an interview with NME, Keith Richards did not mix his father’s cremated remains with coke and snort it.

So that is one thing on Earth that Keith Richards hasn’t tried. The clock is ticking, though, and besides, if I had those two unnaturally scrawny brats of his I wouldn’t want to give them any ideas.

The Keef is immortal!

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Alanis Morissette’s Humps

The searingly emo, devastatingly ironic, Alanis Morissette version of the Black Eyed Peas’ mindless tune “My Humps.” They really nailed the look and sound, didn’t they? Via Gawker, lyrics over the jump.

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the green meanies: a scientific investigation

blue-green meanieSo for the past four days I’ve been on a rather extreme form of diet; yes me, who never goes on diets. And, in the world of diets, faddy or otherwise, it would be hard to find one more extreme than this one. You see, I am not allowed to eat food on this diet.

Let me repeat that: I am not allowed to eat food on this diet.

There is a very good reason the word “Diet” derives from the root word “Die.”

Click onward if you dare and read the entire 2007-word, heart-rending, or at least angina-producing, saga.

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