So apparently the Snot Otter, aka Hellbender aka Devil Dog is endangered. “Very little reproduction has taken place in recent years.” Well, looking at one, I can believe it; he’s totally let himself go. Get that salamander to a gym, give him a good skin care routine and equip him with a few dance moves and next stop: PlentyOfFish!
This was an addendum to a research post about hipsters linked to by Gawker, but thank god for once I read right to the bottom. It is possibly the most interesting research notation I’ve read since the Journal of Irreproducible Results posted the Psychology of the Necronaut.
“Dr. Agnew and Dr. Carleton’s expertise and equipment were invaluable in helping us validate and document the results of our initial cryopreservation trials with the hellbender semen.” — Sally Nofs of the Nashville Zoo, on efforts to develop conservation techniques to sample and freeze sperm from the last surviving hellbender salamanders — the largest kind in North America — which are also affectionately known as “snot otters” or “devil dogs.” Note: We made none of this up.
Paul the Octopus had his troubles with the paparazzi
Oh, Paul, we hardly knew ye. Let’s toast the Great One‘s memory with an Octopus’s Garden (otherwise known as an un-dry 3:1 Gin Martini with an Octopus and Olive garnish) and join in a rousing chorus of “Paul the Octopus.”
Before the World Cup, Paul’s powers were already known in Germany because he had correctly predicted four out of Germany’s five matches in the 2008 European Championship. But his clean sheet this year has made him immortal.
He helped to make the World Cup memorable. Just like everyone will remember the 2006 tournament in Germany for Zinedine Zidane’s astounding head butt, and the 1986 one in Mexico for Maradona’s “Hand of God” goal against England, South Africa will forever be associated with an octopus.
If he really was born in 2008, then Paul was nearing the end of his natural life. Octopuses only live three years on average and he was never going to be around for the next European Championship in 2012, let alone the World Cup in Brazil in 2014.But here is some comfort for football fans. “Behind the scenes, a young Paul is already acclimatizing himself, he was meant to be trained by Paul the First in the coming weeks,” aquarium officials said.
Fellow sea creatures will also benefit from his immortality in future. Oberhausen said it plans to donate some of its income from the sale of commercial rights relating to Paul — he adorns a clothes brand and adverts for a supermarket chain, for example — to help finance a rescue station for endangered turtles on the Greek island of Zakynthos.
In related news, file this necronautical cephalopod under “People who have (or had) way better jobs than you.” According to PopBitch, he was getting $80,000 per appearance at the time he died. In fact, he’s got a better job than Lindsay Lohan even though he’s dead: she lost her clothing line, and he’s still got his!
In related to related news, ain’t no way Germans are as smart as Wiartonians; when Wiarton Willie died, Wiarton just hushed it up in best Small Town Shirley Jackson Unspeakable Truth fashion and got themselves a new albino groundhog on the black albino groundhog market. If Germany had gone out and gotten a new octopsychic, very few people on the planet would have known the difference. I’m just sayin’, next time they should hire me as their cephalostrategic consultant.
In related to related to related news, who really thinks that a nine-year-old, healthy, coddled octopus with no prior history of ill-health suddenly kicks the bukkit? Not me, and probably not you either, if you’re a smartie, and I think you are because: look! you’re here! Do I sense the sneaky padding of meerkat paws behind the assassination? Did they test Pulpo Paul for Polonium?
And also because it was followed by two DMs and a Follow from @johncusack, but it’s cool. It’s no big deal. Because I’m not That Creepy Fan. Nope, not me.
Those soft-headed Chihuahua defenders may, in fact, have a point. We now present shocking video proof that the hideous, deformed, shivering naked mole rat clone dog impersonating aliens are in fact subjected to unimaginably cruel torture and pushed beyond the breaking point, prior to being released from the hatcheries upon an unsuspecting and unprepared public.
raincoaster 