At last, irrefutable proof that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is, in fact, real. Here is a photo from the United States Air Force, and if you don’t like it you can bitch to Rumsfeld. or BoingBoing, that’s where I saw it.
(It also makes a nice replacement for the FSM image that Photobucket took down. Apparently there was one too many noodly appendages in the pic)
Now 25% more motherfucking!
Via Defamer.
Yes, today Snakes on a Plane opened, to predictably mixed reviews, and to celebrate this turning point in cinematic history, an apparent basement-dwelling nerdicon has chosen to commemorate this by creating Snakes on a Paper Plane.
It’s got a full-sized pattern so you can print out snakes in glorious colour, plus all the instructions on folding said paper plane, for those kids who actually paid attention in class instead of learning this or making necklaces out of staples like everybody else.
Seriously, how can you not???
It’s been worshipped, parodied, analyzed and merchandised months before its release, and now the B-movie turned Internet phenomenon “Snakes on a Plane” is finally here. Will it live up to the anticipation? Who knows, but with all the genuinely scary news about flying lately, we’re looking forward to some good, cheesy thrills. To celebrate, we’re giving you your own plane — complete with snakes. Unleash your inner Samuel L. Jackson and enjoy.
— Sarah Lindner
for when they die, we get their stuff.
Yes, Sploid, one of my favorite sites, is no more. Axed. Deep-sixed. Ah, well, I can’t say it any better than they did.
Just like YouTube, Lebanon, Joe Lieberman, newspaper circulation and airline travel, Sploid is being demolished.
It is a great victory for bullshit peddlers everywhere … if they had any idea Sploid existed.
Shut down, laid off, on the nickel, run out of town, shown the door, eighty-sixed, suicided, under heavy manners, finaled by the fuzz, down in the hole, out of the groove, sadder than a map, under the Hoover blankets, taking a bank holiday, riding the rails to Hungry Town, brought down and fought down.
Winners write the history books, but anybody can write the blog post. So get right up close to your computer screen and we’ll tell you a little story…
And so they do, at length, but who cares? More interesting to me is their secret file of Weekend Filler How-To’s, as apparently Denton didn’t want them to play with real news on the weekend, as they might break it. So here’s their secrets to handy-dandy filler, secrets which I intend to carry to my grave.
After posting them here, of course.
This magical world
Sploid wasn’t just a 24-7 news operation — it was a painstakingly engineered information factory.
While free from the dull tyranny of “Headline News” or “whatever’s on the front page of the New York Times,” Sploid editors nonetheless followed careful instructions formulated by senior editors.
Say it was a Saturday, and nothing was happening in the world except bombs in the Middle East and world leaders dying or lapsing into comas, and maybe the planet was getting hotter or whatever. On those “slow news days,” and even on some exciting days, the editors had to rely on a detailed technical manual with exact instructions for filling the “news hole.”
Following the Sploid Topic List requirements resulted in the following wonders from this magical world we share:
Animal adventures
* Violent deer
* Cat-eating raccoons
* Insidious marmots
* Puppy bombs
* Fainting goats
* Disgraced goats
* Worthless panda bears
* Christmas-ruining possums
* Headless roosters
* Monkey copsNation of …
* Foreclosures
* Gangsters
* Murderers
* Retards
* Teenage crack whores
* WitchesHoboes
* Killed for a beer
* Secretly practicing law
* Rioting
* Talking on cell phones
* Acting righteously
* Roughed up by high schoolers
* Killed by elderly sociopaths
* Suing librariesJesus
* Not screwed by Judas
* Appearing in a plate of manicotti
* Appearing in asparagus
* Coming out
* Being blond
* Lacking health insurance
* Probably died hanging upside down like a batNASA
* Kills the Ivory Billed Woodpecker
* Launches a non-exploding shuttle
* Enlists the aid of robot lemurs
* Valiantly battles an army of roadkill
* Hits a run of even worse luck than usual
* Bans dangerous foreign 5-year-oldsOther topics of constant concern included robots, monkeys, occult killings, X-rays of humans revealing foreign (and frequently disturbing) objects lodged within, Nazis, dismemberments, frightening conspiracies featuring the Knights Templar and/or Dick Cheney, dumb and/or evil cops, UFOs and the many problems faced by America’s obese citizenry.
We hope you continue to enjoy these timeless tales from our most delightful planet.
Sara K. Smith was Sploid’s bureau chief in Austin and is a novelist, which means she has to get a job now.
From the Squid blog
Well by now we might all be getting tired of the barbeque. It’s been a long, hot summer and it is a fact universally acknowledged that a young person possessed of some nice, red steaks and a barbeque must be in want of a pitcher of Sangria and some friends bringing salad.
I wish I knew more people like that; I’m gifted with salads.
In any case, there comes a point in any activity, even barbequeing delicious foodstuffs, where boredom sets in. People start playing with the controls. Reversing the polarity. Putting sparklers in the coals. Anything to make it different. That heat-up period’s somehow not the anticipation-filled pause that it was back in June; it’s become the unendurably tedious waiting period before you can actually cook some goddam food, goddammit, the very reason we invented indoor stoves in the first place.
We present the following leisuretime activity, highly recommended for fending off bbq boredom, if also highly recommended for pissing off the person who has to clean up after you.
via BlogBling, ladies and gentlemen, CHEESE RACING!
WARNING!! Cheese racing can be dangerous – the makers of this website CAN NOT be held responsible for any accidents or injuries that may occur. Practice safe cheese racing by following these simple guide lines.
- Do NOT attempt ‘indoor cheese racing’. This is strictly an outdoor sport. (This includes tents!)
- Be sure to ingest large quantities of alcohol and/or other chemical relaxant before (and during) play. This will relax the body and nervous system, thus minimising the pain of any injury and enabling you to play on.
Having said that, the sport does have an impressive safety record with zero fatalities so far…
Q: What do you think happens when you throw a slice of processed cheese (without removing the plastic wrapping) onto a lit barbeque?
The plastic melts giving off highly toxic fumes and you are left with a pretty grim cheese/plastic mess welded on to your BBQ, right?
WRONG!
Unbelievably what actually happens, as discovered by the pioneers and inventors of the sport way back in 1997 (read their account of that historic night on a campsite in Osmington here), is that the plastic pouch does not melt – even when the cheese inside eventually boils! Even more incredibly, as the cheese melts and the strange chemicals found in processed cheese turn to gas – the plastic pouch inflates until eventually all four corners lift off the BBQ and the pouch is fully inflated! Now under this pressure you might think that the pouch would eventually burst – but no – most of the time the seal remains intact!
Quite why processed cheese manufacturers choose to use such industrial strength, heat proof plastic to encase their products is something of a mystery – as is why NASA don’t use this material instead of those expensive heat proof tiles on the space shuttle? Such important questions no doubt occurred to the first observers of this phenomenon on that night in Osmington, but that didn’t stop them from coming up with a brilliantly simple sport based on it.
The official CRASS rules of cheese racing
All players must place their cheese on the BBQ at the same time.
Cheeses must not overlap.
After the initial throwing of the cheese onto the barbecue (the “cast”), one poke of the slice (the “poke”) is permitted in cases of accidental overlap when the offending cheeses must be repositioned as quickly as possible. No further touching of the cheese is permitted.
No blowing/fanning the flames under your cheese.
The winning cheese is defined as the one whose reaches a fully inflated stage first. Fully inflated means that all four corners have raised off the BBQ and the plastic is taut (distinctive “stretch” marks which appear on the sides of the parcel). This state must maintainable (i.e. it does not count if the bag is pulsing up and down due to springing a leak).
Note that springing a leak does not automatically mean you have lost – it is possible for the hole to become sealed with melted cheese and the bag to fully inflate anyway – such is the excitement of cheese racing – it’s not over till it’s over!
In the event of a draw. The tied cheese owners will race again.
Deliberate breaking of any of these rules will result in your cheese being disqualified and removed from the BBQ.
Okay, so when I use the “Singles” tag here I’m just being a smartass. Sue me.
raincoaster 