weirdness roundup: also-rans

weird al mona lisaHere’s a brief taste of weirdnesses I cruised or missed which didn’t make it into the ol’ raincoaster blog, for one reason or another. If it’s Santa-related or Squid-related, you can assume the reason it didn’t get into the blog has to do with the fact that I copied it to the hard drive at home before the cable went out and haven’t been back to get it. Otherwise, it’s the kinda thing where I looked at it and said Nah, we’ve had too many Darth Vader Sticks Up a Drive Through stories recently, and I just skipped it.

He-Man Sings Four Non-Blondes. The reason I didn’t post this is simply that I figured everyone on Earth had seen it, but I found out today that’s not true. So here it is. Break out the rainbow legwarmers and glow sticks and put on your dancin’ shoes!

An Aussie roundup of world-wide weirdness, all of which escaped the blog except the Brazillian who blowed himself up.

I’d a used this one if I’d seen it in time:

In Cologne, a plastic surgeon cheated out of payment by two women using fake names gave “wanted” pictures of their enlarged breasts to police.

I’ll BET they were wanted!

Rich people getting ripped off on luxury items. You see these from time to time and every time I think: This is news? This is justice, baby!

The best of Dear Prudence. I’ve read it. There IS no best. Dear Prudence, please shut the fuck up.

Predictions, particularly by people who were wrong in the past, and who start their prediction stories by listing instances of them screwing up last year. What hurts most when I read these is realizing he was paid just as much for “I was wrong when I said Britney and K-Fed would have a girl” as “And today the the weird eyeSudan was invaded by Ethiopia…”

Public opinion polls, particularly contradictory ones. If I wanted to know what the common people thought, I’d go to the bloody beer store and I’d ask them.

Praise be to Fark, which is a year-round source of insanity upon which I have come to rely. And some day I’ll even figure out how to register there. Maybe.

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sex lives of the Great Old Ones

Saturday Night Undead!

Seriously, if this is how they choose to do it with one another, is it any wonder that gods generally prefer to do it to humans? At least they can’t fight back!

Forget Zeus and all that bestiality schtick, and never mind that eggnog is the ectoplasmic emanation that really got the Virgin Mary pregnant. This is what happens when they go at it one-on-one, hidden by the numinous dark in the depths of the sea. Cthulhu ain’t no Valentino, that’s for sure.

“The male giant squid has to use a puny 15-gram brain to coordinate 150 kilograms of weight, 10 metres of length and a 1.5-metre-long penis,” he says. “He physically plunges this penis into the female’s arms, which are rather unfortunately right next to her beak. Because he is coordinating so much with so little, I think occasionally bits get chewed off when they inadvertently get too close to the beak.”

Oh, but you know he likes it rough! Still, an excellent lesson in how NOT to ask for oral sex. Guys, are you taking notes? I really don’t want to have to go through this again. Which reminds me, what is Bill Clinton doing these days?

Oh! My virgin eye! (Psst, wanna t-shirt of this? Click on it!)

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save time: New Year’s resolution generator

Eisenstadt, no longer hotlinked. Ooops, sorry. Blaming it on the Aussie sparkling white...Personally, I can’t really be bothered to make my own New Year’s resolutions. Maybe I have too much free-floating guilt that’s just waiting to team up with something more specific to get past my defences or something, but I’m not taking the chance. I’m using this New Year’s Resolution Generator from the Generator Blog to come up with a few quick, painless things. Apparently I am to stop kissing strangers and start watching less tv. Since I don’t kiss strangers (or even, mostly, anyone at all, sigh) or even have cable or use the rabbit ears, this looks to be far easier than setting one’s own goals. Highly recommended!

New Year’s Resolution Generator

Here is what I resolve for the coming year!

I will stop kissing strangers right now

Care to make another resolution?

I want to start something
I want to stop something

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The Darwin Awards for 2006

Charles Darwin, yo!These are the most popular nominations, by public vote, for the year’s best examples of removing yourself from a grateful gene pool by sheer force of your own innate (or learned) stupidity. Interestingly, the overwhelming winner is contentious enough that they are considering removing the category altogether; it seems that there are quite a lot of people who believe strongly that pounding on RPGs with a sledgehammer or rolling an unexploded bomb downhill is not stupid behavior if the alternative is poverty. In these cases, however, the alternative was a life in poverty, which is surely the smart choice under these or, indeed, any circumstances.

Seriously, people, economic imperatives only override physical ones when the intellect fails; this is why they are called the Darwin Awards. You can’t provide for your family if you blowed yourself up real good; species who favour food which is poisonous to them tend to die out. Simple.

Donald Trump or Stephen Harper, feel free to disagree and to take your disagreement to the nearest RPG or bomb on the top of a hill.

Stories Ranked by Vote

Hammer of Doom 8.0 (2421 votes)

Stubbed Out 7.8 (1838 votes)

Star Wars 7.8 (1664 votes)

High on Life 7.7 (1423 votes)

Score For Goliath 7.3 (2150 votes)

Copper Kite 7.3 (1006 votes)

Faithful Flotation 7.2 (1804 votes)

Technical Difficulties 5.9 (46 votes)

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quiz: how deadly of a sinner are you?

This has got to be broken. No way is this me, and I’m all in a prideful wrath about it, yew betcha. Just look at me wrathing! Wrath, wrath, wrath! Boy, I don’t think I’ve ever been this wrathy, I’m telling you! And I intend to do something about it, too, just as soon as I get motivated. Any day now. Why should they have all the glory of writing a test when it doesn’t even give me accurate results, eh? I should tell all their readers, and give them the link to MY blog!

Greed: Very Low

 

Gluttony: Low

 

Wrath: Medium

 

Sloth: Very Low

 

Envy: Medium

 

Lust: Medium

 

Pride: Medium

 

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

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