save Britney’s sex tape!

Britney Spears

In the realm of celebrity myths, some inspire more fervent belief than others. No-one really believes that Michael Jackson was black or human once, for instance. But a great many fans have a passionate interest and zealous, if somewhat sweaty, belief in the existence of the mythical Britney Spears/Kevin Federline sex tape.

A mythical sex tape we have covered before at the ol’ raincoaster blog.

But, good people, there’s more to the story than what we wrote there.

Far more.

Rumours surfaced that the former KFed (now known as Fed-Ex) had a copy of the tape, and was threatening to release it unless bought off with millions of dollars and custody of their two children, Tater Tot and Federletus 2.0.

That’s where you come in.

Yes, fans, the spotless reputation of your idol, Ms. Britney Spears, simple Southern gal, single mom, and salt of the Earth (or at least one of those white powders, of one of the planets, maybe Venus) depends upon you. Play this delightful flash game and catch all the sex tapes Federline can throw before they reach the paparazzi.

Play the Britney Flash game.

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dick will make you slap somebody

And we’re not talking Cheney.

This is public access tv host Alexyss K. Tylor discussing vagina power and penis addiction with her mother.

Seriously, would YOU talk to your mother like that? If I did, my mother would take notes!

Uh, this is really, really NSFW. Duh.

Lessons learned in this episode:
(Read AFTER you watch the video!)

– If the man ain’t comin’, he gonna be goin’ somewhere else, puttin’ his penis in someone else.

– A lot of women will laugh and talk about a man if his penis is small.

– Just because a man is in love with your vagina doesn’t mean he’s in love with you.

– A lot of us get caught up on the dick.

– Dick will make you slap somebody.

– The penis is a heat-seeking missile, like a rocket. Information is encoded in it making it do what it do.

– Men launch their penis up in the vaginal canal. As a woman relaxes and breathes and sits on that penis and rock and move and rotate and find her rhythm and go up and down and back and forth and around in a circle, she starts getting her groove back.

– When the parts of penis hit them vagina walls, harmonizing and making them sing, a woman feels like she’s in church jumping and shouting.

– Dick’ll make you lose control.

Well, he will if you ask him nicely. And then you can slap him; he likes it that way.

But seriously, what kinda church does this woman go to? I think I saw an Emmanuelle movie like that once…

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Scottish falsetto sock puppets vs darleks

Before you start hatin’ on my amazing-like spelling powers, click to view. Otherwise both I and the Scottish falsetto sock puppets will make fun of you. And the Doctor will be very disappointed in you as well.

And nobody wants that to happen, do they?

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Saint Steve

Saint Steve! Crikey! 

Indeed, he was a saint among men.

Who says there are no modern heroes? If any man deserves immortalization in stained glass, it’s Steve Irwin, who wouldn’t have kicked Chuck Norris‘s ass, although he could have and done a nature special on the wild Chuck Norris at the same time: he’d have brought Chuck Norris to tears with some lip-trembling tale of the time an orangutan gave him her baby to hold, and then Chuck would have written Australia Zoo a big fat check.

You know it and I know it and Chuck Norris knows it.

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Regis Raw

The Reej lays it down righteously, slammin’ celebs and keepin’ it real, yo, with a little help from DCLugi.

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