Category Archives: U.S.

Jack Bauer has his day in court

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Imagine if you will Jack BauerJack Bauer, the Dark Knight of the Sunny City, Abyss-staring, Monster-becoming, West Point lunatic-inspiring protagonist of the terrist-huntin’ television hit 24…

in court.

Hmmm. Messy.

There’s all the torture. All the dead people. There’s the gratuitous gunplay, quite palpably not followed up with proper paperwork. I’m even pretty sure there’s a bit on YouTube where you can see him change lanes without signalling.

Background from the Globe and Mail:

Justice Antonin Scalia is one of the most powerful judges on the planet.

The job of the veteran U.S. Supreme Court judge is to ensure that the superpower lives up to its Constitution. But in his free time, he is a fan of 24, the popular TV drama where the maverick federal agent Jack Bauer routinely tortures terrorists to save American lives. This much was made clear at a legal conference in Ottawa this week.

Senior judges from North America and Europe were in the midst of a panel discussion about torture and terrorism law, when a Canadian judge’s passing remark – “Thankfully, security agencies in all our countries do not subscribe to the mantra ‘What would Jack Bauer do?‘ ” – got the legal bulldog in Judge Scalia barking.

The conservative jurist stuck up for Agent Bauer, arguing that fictional or not, federal agents require latitude in times of great crisis. “Jack Bauer saved Los Angeles. … He saved hundreds of thousands of lives,” Judge Scalia said. Then, recalling Season 2, where the agent’s rough interrogation tactics saved California from a terrorist nuke, the Supreme Court judge etched a line in the sand.

“Are you going to convict Jack Bauer?” Judge Scalia challenged his fellow judges. “Say that criminal law is against him? ‘You have the right to a jury trial?’ Is any jury going to convict Jack Bauer? I don’t think so.

“So the question is really whether we believe in these absolutes. And ought we believe in these absolutes.”

What happened next was like watching the National Security Judges International All-Star Team set into a high-minded version of a conversation that has raged across countless bars and dinner tables, ever since 24 began broadcasting six seasons ago.

Jack Bauer, played by Canadian Kiefer Sutherland, gets meaner as he lurches from crisis to crisis, acting under few legal constraints. “You are going to tell me what I want to know, it’s just a matter of how much you want it to hurt,” is one of his catchphrases. Every episode poses an implicit question to its viewers: Does the end justify the means if national security is at stake? On 24, the answer is, invariably, yes.

Because God loves karma just as much as any Hindu, Maer Arar‘s lawyer was also present, and presented his own rather pointed, and highly effective argument: against torture, for trying Bauer.

Practially speaking, over three-quarters of the information gathered through torture is found to be inaccurate or plain lies. It isn’t efficient; it does. not. work. But it’s great television.

When I was studying political philosophy, we got the torture-the-terrorist question on our final exam (hey, some things never go out of style), and oh, how I wish I had that paper with me today, because it was the first perfect paper they’d ever seen in that course. My basic point was that you cannot break moral rules for practical reasons, because you have no control over the outcome (like, if he lies to you), no control over anything whatsoever in this world except one thing: your own actions. If what you actually DO is wrong, then you are wrong. And you must stop.

Can Bauer save your life? Not really; he might be able to postpone your death, but you’re going to die anyway, therefore preventing that through means that might or might not work anyway isn’t a realistic objective. If he gets the right information out of the terrorist, does that guarantee him the time or the ability to do anything about it? Of course not. He can’t control time any more than he can assure immortality.

But seriously, I said it way better, with quotations and everything. The only one I can remember is the most embarassing one, the one I used to conclude the paper, the Chris de Burgh one:

Sweet Liberty is in our hands. It’s part of the plan. Or is it a state of mind?

Those absolutes that Scalia dismisses, I remind you, include the Constitution of the United States of America as well as the Bill of Rights, both of which he is sworn not only to obey, but to uphold in his work on the Supreme Court.

Subverting the Constitution is not the job of the Supreme Court; it is, quite obviously, the job of the White House. Is Scalia thinking of tossing his powdered wig into the ’08 Presidential race? He’s clearly got what it takes.

And don’t you forget it.

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good reasons to adopt a puppy #238: Free Viagra for Life!

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Ingrid the Viagra Hound

The life of the dog, that is. Ingrid isn’t your average pound pitbull; she’s got a critical circulatory disability which means she needs to be on Viagra for the rest of her life. She’s small, and only four, so figure on a lifespan in excess of twelve years here. And, apparently, only the $10 per pill Viagra will do: no generic Cialis for this chowhound.

WNBC has the full deets:

“We were really worried she wouldn’t make it,” Stein said during a phone interview with WNBC.com. “There was such a turnaround after or week or so of the Viagra; she just became a new dog. She perked up and was lively, just like any other dog.”

The Adoption Center is now seeking Viagra donations from people in the area to keep Ingrid alive. Stein said the shelter cannot afford to continually pay $10 for each Viagra pill.

“If 200 people could send us just one pill, that would be good for seven months,” Stein said.

Stein said that when Ingrid is adopted, the shelter will provide a lifetime supply of Viagra to the owner.

Seriously, this is some bestiality nut’s dream pet. Can’t wait for the upcoming news reports of what happened the first time the pit bull wasn’t in the mood.

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Albania strikes again…at George W. Bush

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Remember Albanians? We’ve had Albanians around here before (scroll down to the 110 comments on this post for a blast of old Albania). We know what they’re like.

And now, apparently, so does the Decider: watch at about 54 seconds in and see the expensive timepiece on Bush‘s wrist. Then see a friendly Albanian hand wrap right around that wristwatch and see that same Deciderish wrist at minute 1:04, now a watch-free zone.

Nothing says “Borat Doesn’t Live Here” like a stunt even Borat wouldn’t pull.

Also, please do NOT miss the self-congratulatory text from Albania on the YouTube page. A sample:

10th June 2007
A historic date for all Albanians

President Bush is given a hero’s welcome in Albania. This is the first visit ever of a serving president of USA to visit Albania and will be remembered long time, even though it only lasted eight hours.

Albania is the only country where no one has seen any protests against USA or the President. Some even say the Albanians are the most proamerican people on the planet. This is not a hoax. This is a real deal and there is a reason for it.

Why Albanians love Americans? Simply because americans are a freedom loving people and they showed this love in practice many times in the history of Albanians (and other small nations) by defending the Albania’s right to exists as a state despite the appetite of many world powers and neighboring countries to carve and erase the country from the map. e.g. USA’s President Wilson in 1919, at the Paris Peace Conference, was a crucial voice that saved Albania from being ceased as a state…

p.p.s. Bush dropped his watch, time 00:54!
As you may notice in the video, Bush’s wrist watch dropped at some point, but it has been confirmed by media (VizionPlus TV) that it was found by the bodyguards who handed it over to Lady Bush later on. And you will see in many other videos Bush wearing his watch again while entering Air Force One during departure as he waives back to us. If he had a spare watch, most likely it would have been inside the airplane, therefore, there is no doubt that Bush got his original watch back and everything was accidental. So, don’t worry, be happy, time is still ticking on and everything is in Bush’s hands! Kosovo will be Independent soon, think of 4th July 2007 as the day of happening, where we can celebrate together with Americans, The Independence Day.

Of course, the Times and the Guardian are both reporting that the watch was indeed stolen, but hey, if VizionPlus TV says it was lost, then you can bet your bottom lekë it was lost!

Or can you? Check out this theft-corroborating video from Dutch tv, taken at a different angle. If I’m not wrong, you can actually see the thief flourish it in the air before vanishing into the crowd in time-honored thiefly fashion. The plot, if not the welcome, thickens.

Update: The White House says Bush simply put the watch in his pocket, which would be a nifty trick more suited to someone of the flamboyance of David Blaine or at least Siegfried, if not Roy, given that both his hands were in full view at the time and neither ventured anywhere near his pocketses. And where did that guy on the Dutch video suddenly get that watch? Was Bush just passing them out or something?

Snow also said the crowd was “euphoric because we helped make them free….if there was a problem, the Secret Service would have dealt with it. Trust me.”

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if you’re wondering what to get me for my birthday…

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Just a suggestion, but pretty much anything from McSweeney’s up to and including Dave Eggers would be most appreciated.

As you may know, it’s been tough going for many independent publishers, McSweeney’s included, since our distributor filed for bankruptcy last December 29. We lost about $130,000 — actual earnings that were simply erased. Due to the intricacies of the settlement, the real hurt didn’t hit right away, but it’s hitting now. Like most small publishers, our business is basically a break-even proposition in the best of times, so there’s really no way to absorb a loss that big.

We are committed to getting through and past this difficult time, and we’re hoping you, the readers who have from the start made McSweeney’s possible, will help us.

Over the next week or so, we’ll be holding an inventory sell-off and rare-item auction, which we hope will make a dent in the losses we sustained. A few years ago, the indispensible comics publisher Fantagraphics, in similarly dire straits, held a similar sale, and it helped them greatly. We’re hoping to do the same.

So if you’ve had your eye on anything we’ve produced, now would be a great time to take the plunge. For the next week or so, subscriptions are $5 off, new books are 30 percent off, and all backlist is 50 percent off. Please check out the store and enjoy the astounding savings, while knowing every purchase will help dig us out of a big hole.

Many of our contributors have stepped up and given us original artwork and limited editions to auction off. We’ve got original artwork from Chris Ware, Marcel Dzama, David Byrne, and Tony Millionaire; a limited-edition music mix from Nick Hornby; rare early issues of the quarterly, direct from Sean Wilsey’s closet; and more. We’re even auctioning off Dave Eggers’s painting of George Bush as a double-amputee, from the cover of Issue 14.

This is the bulk of our groundbreaking business-saving plan: to continue to sell the things we’ve made, albeit at a greatly accelerated pace for a brief period of time. We are not business masterminds, but we are optimistic that this will work. If you’ve liked what we’ve done up to now, this is the time to ensure we’ll be able to keep on doing more.

Plenty of excellent presses are in similar straits these days; two top-notch peers of ours, Soft Skull and Counterpoint, were just acquired by Winton, Shoemaker & Co. in the last few weeks. It’s an unsteady time for everybody, and we know we don’t have any special claim to your book-buying budget. We owe all of you a lot for everything you’ve allowed us to do over the last nine years, for all the time and freedom we’ve been given.

Once this calamity is averted, we’ll get back to our bread and butter — the now-legendary Believer music issue is already creeping into mailboxes everywhere; Issue 24 of our quarterly is in the midst of a really pretty silkscreening process; and in July the fourth issue of Wholphin, our DVD magazine, will slip over the border from Canada, bringing with it some very good footage of Maggie Gyllenhaal and a Moroccan drummer who messes up a wedding in an entertaining way. And then a couple of months after that, we’ll publish a debut novel from a writer named Millard Kaufman. This book is exactly the kind of thing McSweeney’s was created to do: The novel came through the mail, without an agent’s imprimatur, and it was written by a first-time novelist. This first-time novelist is ninety years old. It was pulled from the submissions pile and it knocked the socks off of everyone who read it. Millard may well be the best extant epic-comedic writer of his generation, and he stands at equal height with the best of several generations since.

Whatever you can do to help in the coming days, we thank you a thousand times. We’ll keep updating everybody on how this is going over the next few weeks; for now, pick up a few things for yourself, your friends, for Barack Obama. More news soon — thanks for reading.

Yours warmly,
The folks at McSweeney’s

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and now, at the end of days, as the sun sinks, spent, into eternal darkness through sulphurous, striated clouds of irradiated effluence, R’lyeh rises from the abyss, and Nyarlathotep writhes and shrieks in unholy glee at his anchor desk, at last we see the signs clearly

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The man who took this iconic photograph:

Kim Phuc

is also the man who took this iconic photograph:

Paris Hilton

And there you have it; the devolution of civilization, right before our very eyes. As Jezebel says, Paris Hilton is the Kim Phuc of 2007. And Nick Ut is apparently the Cassandra.

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