today in Histrionic Overreaction News…

The Church Lady... IMPERSONATOR! 

Paging all colonic therapists, we have an emergency.

Woman expresses indignation at quote on Starbucks cup

Printed on the cup was: “Why in moments of crisis do we ask God for strength and help? As cognitive beings, why would we ask something that may well be a figment of our imaginations for guidance? Why not search inside ourselves for the power to overcome? After all, we are strong enough to cause most of the catastrophes we need to endure.”

It is attributed to Bill Schell, a Starbucks customer from London, Ontario, and was included on the cup as part of an effort by the company to collect different viewpoints and spur discussion

Starbucks spokeswoman Sanja Gould said the collection of thoughts and opinions is a “way to promote open, respectful conversation among a wide variety of individuals. ”

But Incanno said her Starbucks days are over.

“I wouldn’t feel right going back,” she said.

Door, ass, you know how it goes. This is the kind of thing that makes me glad I don’t work at Starbucks anymore. Not that I don’t enjoy interacting with the stupid and hysterical; in fact, I adore it. It’s just that … hmmm, how shall I put this???

Once, during my days as an assistant manager, I happened to have a performance review, and the manager of the time happened to be supportive of me and not particularly supportive of the way the company had decided to look for ways to divest itself of employee #202615, and he knew as well as I did that if I didn’t score “Outstanding” on the interpersonal part of the review, regional office would turf me. So he looked me in the eye and said, “I don’t think we need to discuss this part of the review. Given the difference between what you could say and what you do say, I’m giving you ‘Outstanding,’ on interpersonal skills,” and that, as they say, was that.

See, I actually slightly know the woman who had to play “evenhanded company spokesperson” here, and she’s always been very gracious no matter what the circumstances. That crazed, outraged, apparently-constipated-on-at-least-the-spiritual-level customer had better pray to her God that she encounter only such kind and mannerly spokespeople in the future, because if she ever crosses my path I’ll be bringing out the nukes.

Then again, there’s a reason companies don’t make me their spokesperson, the fucktards.

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don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t unpack

SailorsIt seems the US military is running short of personnel…something to do with the fact that they’re running out of people who are okay with the idea of being shot at for no particularly good reason or something. But, frankly, we never thought they’d get this desperate.

Sure, they’re sending soldiers with psychoses and traumatic stress disorder back into the front lines (hey, what’s the worst that could happen?). Sure, they’ve revoked the right of discharged or retired personnel to actually refuse to be re-deployed any time up until and/or including death. They’ve sorta kinda quietly starting redeploying people, even Reservists, up to four or five times. Sure, they’ve been caught on tape lying to would-be recruits about their chances of being sent to Iraq. They’ve been caught on camera coaching recruits how to fill in the answers in selection tests. And yeah, they’re even recruiting in malls full of white people now.

But no-one thought it would come to this.

They’re calling in teh gays.

From the Stars and Stripes:

Under the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, he was quickly discharged from the service.

But now — whether through a clerical oversight or what some claim is an unwritten change in policy to keep more gay servicemembers in the ranks at a time of war — Jason Knight is back on active duty.

Since promoted to petty officer second class, Knight is finishing a scheduled one-year tour in Kuwait with Naval Customs Battalion Bravo. And, already kicked out of the Navy once, he sees no need to hide his sexual orientation.

“I thought it was a joke at first,” he said, remembering the day he received his recall orders. “It was the ultimate kick in the ass. But then I thought, there isn’t much they can do to me they haven’t done the first time.”

It was comments by Marine Gen. Peter Pace, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, that spurred Knight to come out publicly a second time. In defending the military’s policy, Pace called homosexual acts immoral and contrary to military values.

“Though I respect [Pace] as a leader, it made me so mad,” Knight said.

“I spent four years in the Navy, buried fallen servicemembers as part of the Ceremonial Guard, served as a Hebrew Linguist in Navy Intelligence, and received awards for exemplary service,” he wrote in a letter to Stripes. “However, because I was gay, the Navy discharged me and recouped my 13k sign-on bonus. Nine months later, the Navy recalled me to active duty. Did I accept despite everything that happened? Of course I did, and I would do it again. Because I love the Navy and I love my country. And despite Pace’s opinion, my shipmates support me.”

Dear god, what a sailor! If they’d hire a few more of those and let them finish their terms without discharging them, they’da won this bloody thing by now.

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life lessons from the undead

brainsssss...brainsssss....Stephen Hawking.... 

Because hey, Britney Spears is alive and you think she can give you better advice than a gore-clotted zombie revenant, crazed with bloodlust and hungry for brains?

At least zombies like brains.

The ever-servicey Guardian has a lovely article on life lessons we can learn from zombies. (I must include a small ed. note here, to the effect that we at the ol’ raincoaster blog have, it must be admitted, even when we don’t want to, that we deleted the Zombie Blog off the blogroll, although it should be noted that this was after a long time, and with great reluctance, and we only did it because that blog was not so much undead as actually, factually, and for all intents and purposes really…well, is it indelicate to put it this way? Dead)

Man-made viruses are bad things … 

We, as humans, are fragile things

… When the character of Rhodes is spectacularly dissected by zombie hordes in Day Of The Dead, and screams “CHOKE ON ‘EM!” as they tuck into his guts, he is, in a very real sense, acknowledging his own dehumanised position in consumer culture. Yes he is.

The US military ruin it for everyone

…In Day Of The Dead, they are all racist, sexist and insane, with disastrous results. Quite where the inspiration comes from for this bumbling, disaster-prone, incompetent redneck vision of America‘s military might, is a matter for considerable debate.

Your family messes you up

No genre has reflected the increasingly obsolescence of the nuclear family unit more gleefully than the zombie movie, which posits that family life will not just mess you up, it will also attempt to eat your spleen too…

Always stay close to a helicopter pilot

No matter what goes down in any given zombie movie, you can be sure of one thing – if you haven’t got a helicopter pilot with you, then you are fubar…in the Zack Snyder remake of Dawn Of The Dead, there is no helicopter pilot anywhere to be found, and where do they all end up? Dead, that’s where. So if you are ever introduced to a helicopter pilot, be nice to them

Women are better in a crisis than men are

This may not be news to our female readers (on your side, sisters!) but zombie flicks are either keenly aware of women’s inherent stoicism, or the blokes who make zombie flicks are just trying to suck up…

Animals can be zombies too

Hmmm. Not quite sure how this one can be applied in modern society, but there are zombie monkeys in the 28 series, zombie alligators in Day Of The Dead, zombie dogs in Resident Evil, zombie spiders in Lucio Fulci’s The Beyond, and in Zombie Creeping Flesh there is actually a zombie kitten. Yes, you read that correctly. So I guess what this teaches us is maybe that keeping pets is cruel. Or something.

In summary, then: stay away from pets and family members, retain a keen awareness of your own mortality and the power of science, and hang out with female non-US military-affiliated helicopter pilots. Valuable lessons, there, for all of us.

Couldn’t have put it better myself. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to drop a friendly note to my old buddy Flygrrl

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the Living Intestine: the Juno Ledge Sea Serpent

We’re talking Sea Monsters, people. So you know we mean business.

Now, everybody knows that Nessie‘s just a big ol’ lump o’ dinosaur, not a serpent at all. And Caddy‘s a figment of some screech-addled sailor’s story-telling impulse. And Ogopogo…well, we do not speak of Ogopogo. The ancient Fossil Shark was a shark, after all, if quite serpentine in spots and from certain angles, especially in candlelight.

But now, at last, we’ve found a genuine Sea Serpent. My shrivelled and blackened heart leaps up

Beneath the surface of our crystal blue waters live a myriad of marine life.

Sometimes we can see them from the air — steely eyed shark congregating by the thousands, graceful stingray, gliding along the shallows.

But go deeper…

You never know what you’ll find. Just ask Jay Garbose.

“This is a first and I’ve traveled and video’ed all over the world.”

Take a look at what he found and listen to the story — it’s no fish tale.

“I was diving on Juno Ledge. That’s about a mile off shore of Juno Beach. At first I thought it was a sea cucumber although no one has ever seen one stretched 7 to 10 feet the way this one was. It’s sort of grey and putty like and very smooth and taffy like in the way it stretches. Some of my friends and I have sort of dubbed it the living intestine.”

And it is just exactly as beautiful as that description would lead one to believe. At first, I thought it was a hoax. Once I saw it moving and had observed its blundering, slow, mindless, horrible writhings, I prayed it was a hoax.

Click to view, if you dare.

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and they called it puppy love

Osmonds World!

And they called it puppy love
Oh i guess they’ll never know
how an old fart really feels
and just why I can’t let him go…

Mortifying Confession Alert: I used to steal my little sister’s Donny and Marie albums and listen to them when she was asleep, particularly the really corny tunes. But my parents figured it was probably healthier for me than sneaking out to go drinking, so they didn’t interfere.

What can I say? I had a boring youth, even for a Canadian. In fact, I had a number of boring youths…but that’s a tale for another time.

and they called it GenX love
just because I’m past my teens
tell them all
please tell them it isn’t fair
to take away my only dream

Donny! Osmond! and yes, I had that album. Well, my sister did. Wonder if she ever figured out where it went?Yes, ladies, we can still live the dreams of our youth, particularly if we take our glasses off for that nice, soft focus that makes everyone look just a little bit more like we remember. Donny Osmond is back, and raincoaster’s got him. Or at least, I’ve got this silly flash game, which is the next best thing. Compare and contrast to the Britney Spears Grab the Sex Tape game: Toss Donny a rose from the back row of the concert hall and make him fall in love with you.

Awwwwwwww.

I drive all night
to go see you
these seats are a real pain
I hope and I pray
that maybe someday
I’ll be down (I’ll be down) in the front row
once again

If he snatches your rose, you advance to the next level, which is something like a very euphemistic version of the life path of Pamela DesBarres. Also, if you go up a level he throws you a kiss and sings yet another song of the Seventies, and quite frankly, can you ever have enough of either of those?

someone help me
help me
help me please
will he catch it in his glove?
how can I
oh how can I tell him
to ignore that bitch, Courtney Love

You cannot pass up this opportunity. You cannot fool ol’ raincoaster here: she scored a part-time gig as a surveillance tech for Santa so she sees you when you’re sleeping, she knows when you’re awake, she knows when you’ve been bad or good and she sure as HELL knows you’ve still got that unrequited crush on Donald Clark Osmond, so don’t just sit there, do something about it! Don’t forget the life lessons the Osmond Family taught us: don’t end up like the two in this ancient classic. Seriously, it’s worth slogging through to level eight, just to hear him do Barry Manilow‘s immortal Mandy. Should I mention the current high scorer in this game is named Aaron? You GO girlfriend!

someone help me
help me
help me please
should I lob it up above?
how can he
oh how can he catch this?
this is not a puppy love
(this is not a puppy love)
(this is not a puppy love)
not a puppy love
(this is not a puppy love)

(oooooooh yes it is)

Donnie Osmond Pillowcase, yay! Sweet dreams. Sweeeeeeeet dreams!

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