Category Archives: Weird

World’s Least-Cute Octopus Found

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Remember when we brought you the world’s cutest octopus all the way from the frozen waters of Eastern Canada? Isn’t the little fella just adorbz?

World's Cutest Octopus, Octo-Newf

Well, now we’ve gone and found you his (literal) polar opposite: an Antipodean octopus so unstoppably noxious that that its poisonous venom flows at will even at sub-zero temperatures.

world's scariest octopus Pareledone aequipapillae

According to Wired (hey, when did they get on the Cthulhu beat? I WILL NOT BE MUSCLED OUT, YOU CARPETBAGGERS!!!):

“Antarctic octopus venom works at temperatures that would stop other venoms in their tracks,” said biochemist Bryan Fry of the University of Melbourne, who led the expedition…

The venoms are being studied as potential sources of pain-killers, Fry said, because they work on the nervous system. So far, analysis of the venom has revealed two toxins that are new to science.

Ah, but not to us Comparative Folklore majors, eh?

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Minimum Wage Employee of the Year: This Dude

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spinning dog

Spin Dawg was one of the best scratchers we'd ever heard

I had no idea this was even a thing, let alone a steady job with a national competition. Ladies and gentlemen, Little Caesars Sign Spinning:

This is what I do on a daily bases trying to earn money for college.

I hope he made enough to go to the college of his choice, and I hope the young lad managed to take some English classes while he was there.

You can see more of these poor, desperate, whirling dervishes at Buzzfeed.

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Your Rainbow-Coloured, Sixties-Themed Unicorn Chaser

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that's how Lucky Charms gets its magical deliciousness

With an intro like that, what can this fabulous, magical Unicorn Chaser possibly be? Well, when looking for a unicorn chaser there are few key elements any savvy consumer should check for:

  • Unicorns. Obv.
  • Rainbows
  • The Funny. Always needs to have The Funny
  • Cute, unthreatening guys
  • music, particularly poppy, vaguely druggy Sixties music
  • velour. Lots and lots of velour. Bell bottoms and pukka shell necklaces if you got ’em. Flower headbands are bonus points, particularly on the guys. What? I’M SERIOUS!

What does this add up to? That’s right: MONKEES!

Consequently, when I ran across the following on YouTube, I knew I had to have it. Not only are the Monkees themselves absolutely made all of the things above except possibly unicorns (I’ve never placed them in a pentagram and spoken the Words of Command, so I just don’t know) but this video is a satire, one of the Literal Video versions in which the subtitles and redubbed vocals (hey, that’s a pretty good Davy, but the chorus can’t carry a tune in a lolrus bukkit) simply narrate what is actually going on in the video. The greatest of these, of course, is the Bonnie Tyler “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” itself a high water mark of musical geniositosnouss. While this much simpler video does not reach those heights, depths, or whatevers, it’s still fun and cute and hey, I still dance better than Davy ever did, so GO ME, right?

Amirite?

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Octo-Newf, world’s cutest Newfie

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OctoNewf, world's cutest Newfie!

That is an as-yet-unnamed-but-obviously-world’s-cutest variety of octopus that’s been found by a new expedition to the dark depths off Newfoundland. I suggest “Octo-Newf” as it is both geographically specific and way cute. As we’ve mentioned before, cute is critical in our contemporary media climate. You’ve gotta have a gimmick if you hope to knock Boat Smashing Whale off the evening news.

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Tupac 4 Tu-wrists

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marriedtothesea.com

Does your town have these? Ranks of failed artists lining the sidewalks of tourist strolls, charcoal at the ready and surrounded by slightly-off portraits of Tupac Shakur, Marilyn Monroe, Al Pacino in Scarface (why? whyyyyy???) and various other celebrities who are either dead or career dead and thus unlikely to sue.

We certainly do. At least the guys who line the sidewalks on the DTES are offering practical things like old DVDs, sweaters, candle holders, shoes, and psychoactive substances. The guys on Robson Street can’t say that!

What possesses the hapless (at least, they look hapless; I’ve rarely seen any hap at all evident anywhere on their persons) tourist to pick up one of these carbon-based travesties? The thought that surely there can be no more personal souvenir of Vancouver than a hand-drawn caricature of Roseanne Barr? Maybe they take one look at Tony Soprano there and say “if this guy can do that, I know he’ll do justice to THIS face?” And it’s not as if Tupac ever really broke into the Vancouver market in the first place.

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