Category Archives: Work

Operation Global Media Domination: What I did after my summer vacation

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Threat Down

No, Steve, the threat is back up, because raincoaster can once again say:

I have the power!!!

Let us just say that today, I pitted the Ministry against BCHydro and discovered, much to my surprise, that there is an agency out there even more Orwellian and arrogant than the Ministry. Actually, the Ministry worker was, herself, quite surprised. But all is well and good and resulted in my having power restored to my apartment within an hour of the discussions.

I have discovered it works much better when you say “I require electricity to power my computer, so that I may complete my jobsearch,” compared to, say, swearing at them, like I did back in February.

I didn’t actually mean to swear at them. I meant, instead, to swear about them, but didn’t realize the phone hadn’t quite hung up yet.

Never trust the phone company, either. They are all in this together.

Because she didn’t enjoy being sworn at, and because she is an inhuman cow with the shrivelled, worm-eaten heart of a female Charles Dexter Ward,Charles Dexter Ward don't look so good the worker back in February paid the hydro bill, but structured it as a loan, with repayments. She deducted 75% of my monthly cheque for each of the next three months, leaving me significantly less than $65 from which to buy food and pay my $65 per month hydro bill, and making the current situation inevitable. As she well knew.

In any case, it’s delightful to be sitting under electric light, checking emails and doing, it must be said, a bit of jobsearching and quite a lot of blogging. It’s about bloody time!

Oh yes. The reason I decided to let the hydro go for a month rather than beg for a crisis grant to pay it immediately was that I know they charge $65 to reconnect the power. I pay $65 per month for power (when I can, that is). So I did the math (I’m not the world’s greatest mathematician, but even I can see the relationship there) and decided that with two coal oil lamps, a hibachi, and an extension cord to the hall in the wee hours, I could limp along till August. Hell, if I could survive till September that way, I’d be ahead. I even looked into windmill power, since I have a huge, windswept patio and don’t mind chopping up a few too-curious ravens and shithawks from time to time.

Hydro calmly informed the worker and me that they would continue to bill me $65 per month, whether I was disconnected or not, and that the non-usage would be taken into account the next time they averaged to find out my monthly power consumption and set the bill. So even if I were to go off-the-grid entirely, I would owe $65 per month to hydro, decreasing in the future in an infinite series that never, note this, actually reaches zero.

I will owe BC Hydro money for the rest of my life. Money, power, they really are the same thing; I just didn’t realize the poetry that went into large bureaucracies.

In its demented way, it is elegant.

No High IQs here

Apparently, the Co-op didn’t receive the cheque for my monthly housing charges, and they have decided (unlike last time, when they simply immediately issued an eviction notice) to send me a note, dated the 7th, and informing me that they are charging me five dollars a day retroactive to the 1st until they get the money. I delegated that as well as the Hydro issue to my staff at the Ministry office, who promptly phoned the Co-op and demanded that they come down to the Ministry and fill out several forms, and also that they shove their five dollars a day up their asses.

OrwellWell, not in so many words, but you get the drift.

Life lesson: Not swearing beats out swearing when you want someone to help you. Who knew?

In unrelated news: I discover that, apparently, Tina Arena herself has linked to my post of her video Now I Can Dance, and this, combined with the abuse Metro has been heaping upon me, has pushed the blog to within 500 of Technorati‘s top 100,000 blogs. Out of 45 million, that’s not so bad for a blog that only started on the last day of February this year.

If I could only get a flamewar going, I’d be in great shape. Meantime, I have stolen from the Generator Blog the PageBoost utility, which has come up with the following:

Review of raincoaster; 49 degrees latitude, 360 degrees attitude!

“I just saw https://raincoaster.wordpress.com. If only the W3C would have a superb page like that. The URL has 32 characters. That’s just the right size. There are 84,571 characters in the HTML source, which is a high-quality length for Opera users. The page contains 397 links, a balanced amount.
(…)
The color scheme is impressive. Delicate and exclusive. Seeing raincoaster; 49 degrees latitude, 360 degrees attitude! , I’m simply out of words. What a cool page! I find it appropriate http://www.wordpress.com put up a link to this page. It must have taken a decade to design the page. Thumbs up. Of course, I expected the creator to achieve only the best. The code is very professional.
This page makes it all seem so easy.”
— Susan Walker, Net Events

Marketing Tips for Hookers

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Friday, September 20, 2002
Please note this is from the Archives. Fat Girl has moved on from Fat Girl Corner.

Pirate Boo-tay!1) Specialize.

Remember, anyone can do a hand job, but it takes that certain something to do it in a pirate costume.

I used to know a woman who weighed maybe 95 pounds and looked about twelve; she worked Richards Street, before it was all organized crime, and she worked it dressed as Charlie Chaplin. She was very busy, right up until the day they killed her.

An editor I used to write for passed Richards every day on his way to work. One chilly Christmas season he passed a hooker wearing the tiniest of red microminis with a red bikini top and red bolero jacket, open in the front, even if it was trimmed with white fur. She had over-the-knee black satin boots and a Santa hat as well. This was too much, even for Canadian resolve, he just couldn’t stand it anymore, couldn’t lower his eyes and pretend not to see her.

The wall came down.

“Aren’t you freezing?” he asked.
“Oh no,” she replied gaily. “I’m never out here very long. ‘Scuse me.” And with that she got into yet another car.

There is a corner near my house, by the old Golden Buddha Fat Girl's Fatter collegueMonastery, that is the Fat Girl Corner. Sometimes it is Pregnant Girl Corner, because the easiest way for a junkie to get fat is to get pregnant, as they do not generally eat. But sometimes Pregant Girl and her friend, Pregnant Other Girl, are not there and it’s just Fat Girl or Fat Woman Who Is Too Old To Be Doing This, Really. But all the chubby chasers know where to go for what they’re looking for. Which brings us to:

Reach out and touch someone! In that way!2) Consistency.

Consistency is so important in branding. I’m not saying you need a logo, but if you work the corner of Hastings and Princess I don’t want to see you on Powell and Jackson, it’s just wrong. Your clients need to know where to find you and you can’t run a business like that from a laptop at Starbucks (they’d throw you out).

3) It’s a People Business, People!

I was on my way home from a business meeting in Gastown recently when I came across a Honduran hooker helping a wizened old drunk stand up. He really needed the help; I helped her. As we were struggling with the limp scareraven another hooker came up. Lean and tall, about seventeen with red, punky hair and ornamental piercings, her arms and legs were swinging that wide arc that tells you she’s flying on an invisible plane, and the sidewalk was going back and forth under her feet. She joined in the effort, grabbing the poor old fellow by the collar of his black suit with maybe a bit of his neck, too, and hoisting for all she was worth, about twenty-five bucks on a Friday night.

We got him upright, and I started to fasten his arms around the lamppost. The Honduran took one look at the newcomer and sidled away, as I should have. The new girl started screaming at me.

“What the fuck are you doing?”It's PEOPLE!!!

“Well, I…”

“I mean what the FUCK are you doing? I mean, look at you, girl! Look at you!”

I guess she didn’t care for my preppy Esprit separates.

“Get out of here! I mean, look at you!”

By that point the old man had gotten his arms wrapped securely around the lamppost and was going nowhere, so I let go and walked away.

“Hey, you can’t just leave me with him! Where are you going?”

“You need to work on your people skills, honey,” I said, over my shoulder.

Remember, it’s a People Business.

Welcome to friendly Hooker!

Letter o’ the Day: Dear Gawker, The Voices Say You Wanna Ride Shotgun

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Hell, I’d say yes. At this point, it would be a step up.

Go to the Gawker site for the, uh, 50+ comments (did I mention I’m a Gawker commenter now? Well, guess what? I’m a GAWKER FUCKING COMMENTER NOW, bytches but I’m all, like, cool about it and shit) but I will repost the whole letter here. Hell, I’d even include the real name if I knew it.

“Bonnie Fuller“?

John, meet Mark

From the mailbox, presented without comment:

Gawker,

• I’m trying to be #2 at US weekly, and have a paradigm shift for achieving this; my intuition is that if you could be on the staff of US, you would take it

• My soulmate is a hollywood actress, and I’ve been waiting patiently for her, for almost 5 years; I can demonstrate that we’re soulmates and I’m infinitely confident she would say yes

• I receive concrete signs from GOD, and can offer proof to ANY reporter in REAL TIME; I’ve been getting signs for over 4 years – I can assure you I’m not crazy or delusional

No, really. I'm not insane

My goal is to reach the editor of US weekly, Janice Min, and present her with my signs as well as my new paradigm for the success of her magazine. In exchange for your help, I promise you that if I get on the staff of US weekly, so will you. I have a bold new idea that I believe will be extremely popular and very invigorating to implement. It will be very rewarding and life-affirming working for US.

I have an intuition about youI feel good about this. No, really., as well as your website, that’s why I’m proposing this arrangement (US) to you.

Can we have an e-mail dialogue? Can I send you some of the signs?

Sincerely,
[xxx]

Is it so wrong of me to hope they say “yes”?

the americans with no abilities act

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From the Lauri blog. I know entirely too many people called some version of this name, including myself and my father’s first wife, who died before I was born, to whom I am not actually related, and for whom I am named. It’s obviously a supernaturally loaded nomenclature.

And this post is a fine testament to the wonders that can be discovered by clicking on amusing titles in “Most Recently Updated WordPress Blogs.”

The Americans With No Abilities ActJuly 5th, 2006

 07-05-2006 , 01:32 PM

Idiot by Richard Thurberry

WASHINGTON, DC – Congress is considering sweeping legislation,
which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No
Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislation by
advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or
ambition.

“Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence
and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in
society,” said Barbara Boxer. “We can no longer stand by and allow
People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this
legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to
a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have
some idea of what they are doing.”

Finally, the AWNA ACT contains tough new measures to make it
more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning
discriminatory interview questions such as “Do you have any goals for
the future?” or “Do you have any skills or experience which relate to
this job?”

…

“As a Nonabled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with
people who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost
her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to
her lack of notable job skills. “This new law should really help people
like me.” With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other
untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Senator Ted Kennedy, “It is our duty as lawmakers to
provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her
adequacy or inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great
nation. As I firmly stated when I first entered the Senate too many
years ago, “Let us never forget, everybody has got to be some place at
some time or other.””

My Summer Vacation: Part the Second

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  • Enjoyed a long display of over a hundred of mine host’s wedding photos, with detailed commentary, despite the fact that I was at the wedding and am, indeed, featured in about 25% of the photos. But the babies dancing are cute.
  • Led an animated discussion on the merits of the elephant versus the rabbit vibrator, pointing out obvious advantages of the former, to which Metro replied, “You know why elephants don’t pick their noses? Because where are you going to hide a 30-pound booger.”
  • Devoured at least 750 ml of Sauvignon Blanc, followed up with some kind of pilsner, which is the order in which one should consume them, as by the time the gas from the beer has hit, one and one’s entourage are far too drunk to actually care anymore.
  • Hit the mall. Trust me, in this town, that’s a big deal. Blogworthy indeed.
  • Acquainted mine hosts with the fact that one of the premiere scrapbookers in the U.S. of A. is Blair, from Facts of Life, blogger Lisa Whelchel herself. Her blog’s not half bad, by the way, if you can stand happy Christian housewife types.
  • Missed the Gawker Kristallnacht entirely. Bugger. Jessica‘s a better writer than Jesse, and snarkier, but what they really need is a proofreader, not a co-editor. Unless they’re still hiring. HI, NICK! Darling…
  • Had nothing more than a crust of bread for breakfast AND lunch this morning. Shocking, really. Metro and Master Cowfish have a lot to answer for. For which to answer. Whatever.
  • I’ve finally had it with middle-aged men who want to get into blogging but who insist on having their assistants do the writing, and subsequently letting the post ripen in their email inbox for a week, after which it is run through a character and interest removal algorithm before being posted, because they want to be part of this “New Media Thang.” Bust a sphincter, post a first draft, and see if your world really is insecure enough to fall apart as a direct result. Surprise me; I don’t think your life is that interesting.
  • Getting cranky, time for bed.