Category Archives: Books

Operation Global Media Domination: Gay Pirates kick Bloggers Ass

Posted on by

TIAThe raincoaster blog is quite proud and, in fact, almost insufferable about the fact that we have cracked the top 350,000 blogs in Technorati. If you've done better than that, we don't want to hear about it. No, really. We get all weepy and snappish when we hear about that sort of thing unless it's accompanied by a heartfelt "and let me teach you exactly how I did that" email.

PeterPan, I'm talking to you.

And while it's nice to be promoted so my stat counter starts at 30, rather than zero, there's a brief yet heart-stopping period every day when I appear to have negative readers. And we all know my readers are as positive little bundles of human sunshine as it is possible to be, right? Totally, bitches!

In a search term roundup this week, it is quite clear that Gay Pirates kick the ass of all blog-related posts. There are the classic greatest hits: mango porno, Narnia porn, and octopus sewing patterns. And curling. Lotsa curling.

Eagles are good, too. Raptors apparently rank high in the blogosphere; I can see that, you know. Winging through the sky, falling upon their prey like a thunderbolt, soaring in regal isolation, making Technorati their bitch.

COLOSSAL…shrimp

Posted on by

No, seriously!

Colossal Crustacean

News comes, via Sploid, that a biologist in Columbia has purchased the world's most incredibly ginormous, huge, lumbering, colossiod, towering…

shrimp.

Says the biologist:

"This is the biggest species ever known here or even in literature! The big difference, which could also be harmful for us, is that this species is a predator and it could end native species!"

Nearly the size of a man's foot, this incredible monster was finally landed, after an unnamed and (no doubt) unnameable struggle, by innocent Columbian fishermen, momentarily ignorant of the cosmic shudders sent echoing to the very depths of the abyss where the blind idiot god Azathoth bubbles and blasphemes at the center of the universe for eternity, by their bumbling, oblivious capture of this, the very Fungi of Yuggoth.

Or black tiger prawn.

You say kebab, I say ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.

Narnia Rap Battle: The Roundup

Posted on by

You’ve read the books, you’ve seen the movie, Narnia Lucy and Tumnusyou’ve heard the stories. You’re probably still hoping, somewhere in your heart of hearts, that Susan is saving herself for you.

But you have no fucking idea about the Narnia Rap Battle.

Behold:

See, once upon a time about three months ago

SNL started something. SNL! Yeah, I know!

But this thing, it went viral; all the kids were emailing.

It was outta control, yeah this thing was just wailing!

Narnia Lion the Witch and the WardrobeNBC drones found out, shut it down like a flash.

Way too late: got on YouTube, we all started to thrash.

There was LA, and Muncie, two young dudes from Chi-town.

Ain’t no point, NBC, in this “Hey, shut ’em down!”

Now Cambridge steps up; Oxford isn’t around.

C.S. Lewis, poor dead guy, spinning down in the ground.

It’s a Narnia rap, what we all want to play.

Don’t get all literal: allegory? No way.

Take a Narnia word, take a Narnia sound,

Give it harsh attitude, then you kick it around,

And that’s all it takes, just a matter of class

and if that’s not enough I’ll kick you in the ass.

Tea, motherfuckerfucker! Tea, motherfucker!

Narnia Kids Train Station

The original, Lazy Sunday, as interpreted legally and protected by Right to Satirize legislation by two eleven-year-old Chicagoans:

The West Coast response, Lazy Monday:

The Midwestern entry, Lazy Muncie. Can’t beat a dance at the Elk’s Lodge:

And finally, the UK Narnia Rap. I dunno what’s up with Oxford, but Cambridge stole a march on them, and on their home turf at that! How mortifying!

Lawsuit of the Day: Elder Gods vs Microsoft

Posted on by

Welcome Squid Overlords!This was apparently filed over ten years ago, but you know how long these things take. The lawyers for the big guys always try to drag out lawsuits to bankrupt the little guy. Microsoft, the little guys. Wrap your head around that if you can.

And, no doubt, the Big Guys have tried and tried to drag it out and will continue to do so until Microsoft, crushed by the opposition's relentless attack, capitulates. The plaintiffs in this case have an additional advantage:

They are immortal.

To:  Microsoft Lawyers, Inc. 
From:  Azathoth, Nyarlathotep and Hastur, Elder Attorneys.

Sirs:

Our agents among the mortal herd have brought to Our attention your recent product entitled Windows '95.  Therefore We now give you statutory notice of intent of proceedings to be taken against Microsoft by the Many-Angled Ones.

With this suit We will show that Windows '95, and to a lesser extent all of the Microsoft range of products, infringe upon the recognised "look-and-feel" of the Elder Gods, for the following reasons:

o Windows '95 is a crawling abomination from the darkest pits of Hell;

o No man can be in it's presence for too long without being driven into gibbering insanity;

o A cult who worship it exist in secret amongst the mortal herd;

o Those who associate with it for too long develop common physical characteristics, to wit:  pale, clammy skin, bulging eyes, generally unkempt physical appearance, tendency towards nocturnal living, change in diet to that which normal men do not eat (in your case tacos, burgers and Jolt Coke; in Ours, human flesh, Fungi of Yuggoth and the blood of Alien Gods);

o Mysterious tomes that purport to explain this phenomenon are reputed to exist; they are bound in an unnatural substance and only available
at a terrible cost to the user.

o The Microsoft range of products seek to utterly dominate the world, and force all who dwell there to live in eternal damnation.

As you can see, Our case is very strong, especially when you consider that most judges prefer not to have chittering things with tentacles for faces scoop out their brains and eat them.

We hope that you will consider these points carefully and settle out of court, since it is not Our intention to have your senior partners spend
the rest of their mercifully short lives under heavy sedation in a maximum security psychiatric hospital.  After all, it was the Lords of the Outer Planes who gave humanity lawyers in the first place.

Respectfully yours,

pp.  J.  Arthur Hastur, LL.B., B.C.L, B.D

From: surfbaud at NO-SPAM dot waverider dot co dot uk (Dave Hemming)
This is original from me. It was originally an answer I wrote for the Internet Oracle – I've reworked it as a standalone.

Some Jokes Just Never Get Old

Posted on by

Particularly if you can't make head or tail of them. If you get this, please comment for the benefit of those of us who only got A's on our algebra exams. I mean, I get the arc, I get the punchline, it's the syntax that sort of throws me. Like when you're travelling and your only words in the language are "restaurant" "washroom" and "police" and yet you still end up safe and sound and fed and where you meant to go in the first place. Yeah, like that.

Giving it an Allegory tag anyway, what the hell and for the sake of Operation Global Media Domination (I believe this is the only blog on WordPress with an Allegory tag; they're sure to jump on the bandwagon once Narnia goes to DVD though).

                a = b
              a^2 = ab
          a^2-b^2 = ab-b^2
       (a+b)(a-b) = b(a-b)
              a+b = b
               2b = b
                2 = 1

                x = (Pi+3)/2
               2x = Pi+3
         2x(Pi-3) = (Pi+3)(Pi-3)
          2Pix-6x = Pi^2-9
             9-6x = Pi^2-2Pix
         9-6x+x^2 = Pi^2-2Pix+x^2
          (3-x)^2 = (Pi-x)^2
              3-x = Pi-x
               Pi = 3   

               -1 = -1
             -1/1 = -1/1
             -1/1 = 1/-1
       sqrt(-1/1) = sqrt(1/-1)
              i/1 = 1/i
                i = 1/i
            i * i = 1
               -1 = 1