All I want for my birthday

In answer to Stiletto‘s inquiry, all I want for my birthday is this:

Well, except for the sock on the jaw. Wouldn’t your life be just intrinsically cooler if everything you said was witty and subtitled, even if it was just in English?

Ah, but who will be my Nicky?

Anyway, that’s what I want, along with dinner at Delilah’s or yeah, maybe Connor Butler (gotta luv a six foot punk rock blond teddybear chef who greets you with “HEY WOW RAINCOASTER’S HERE!!! I mean he actually calls me raincoaster), and a nice bottle of Bombay Sapphire, Plymouth, or the now-discontinued and hence rare Malacca gin from Tanqueray. Oh, and a bottle of Campari and a bottle of Cinzano red vermouth, because those Negronis aren’t gonna make themselves, baby!

That’s what I want.

What I’ll probably get is something more like this:

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Harry Potter, Marilyn Monroe, and Chewbacca: when wookiees attack!

Chewbacca

What we have here, ladies and gentlemen, is a repeat offender.

Chewbacca, a Wookiee listing his occupation as “co-pilot,” is the prime suspect in a sexual assault on the blonde bombshell Marilyn Monroe which took place during the long-awaited and star-studded premiere of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix at the illustrious Kodak Theatre.

CBS has the deets:

Chewbacca … sexually assaulted … Marilyn Monroe … in front of the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood in June. The wookie then evaded arrest, police said.

According to an officer with the LAPD, Chewbacca allegedly took the platinum-coiffed actress’s hand and placed it on his private parts as the characters performed for tips from tourists…

Hey, now that I think of it, just exactly what was he trying to perform, and how much will tourists pay to see that?

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quiz: what kind of backstabber are you?

Why, I don’t know what this quiz writer could have been thinking! Click on the demented quiz button to take it yourself. This is incredibly inaccurate!

And hey, have I mentioned you’re looking great lately? Have you lost weight, changed your hair? Whatever you’re doing, it’s working.

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lolgoth #18: Trent versus the record companies

Stole this one from lolnin, with which there is much crossover on the LolGoth project, as you can imagine. Worry not, LolGothFans (both of you), I shall get cracking on a new series and post my long-delayed Henry LOLins as soon as I get a decent image program installed on this laptop. MS Paint? I wouldn’t paint a barn with that piece of crap!

ninvisible record executive

Now, with added backstory!

Trent:

It’s a very odd time to be a musician on a major label, because there’s so much resentment towards the record industry that it’s hard to position yourself in a place with the fans where you don’t look like a greedy asshole…I know people have it and I know it’s on everybody’s iPods, but the climate is such that people don’t buy it because it’s easier to steal it.

You’re a bit of a computer geek. You must have been there, too?

Oh, I understand that — I steal music too, I’m not gonna say I don’t. But it’s tough not to resent people for doing it when you’re the guy making the music, that would like to reap a benefit from that. On the other hand, you got record labels that are doing everything they can to piss people off and rip them off. I created a little issue down here because the first thing I did when I got to Sydney is I walk into HMV, the week the record’s out, and I see it on the rack with a bunch of other releases. And every release I see: $21.99, $22.99, $24.99. And ours doesn’t have a sticker on it. I look close and ‘Oh, it’s $34.99’. So I walk over to see our live DVD Beside You in Time, and I see that it’s also priced six, seven, eight dollars more than every other disc on there. And I can’t figure out why that would be.

Did you have a word to anyone?

Well, in Brisbane I end up meeting and greeting some record label people, who are pleasant enough, and one of them is a sales guy, so I say “Why is this the case?” He goes “Because your packaging is a lot more expensive”. I know how much the packaging costs — it costs me, not them, it costs me 83 cents more to have a CD with the colour-changing ink on it. I’m taking the hit on that, not them. So I said “Well, it doesn’t cost $10 more”. “Ah, well, you’re right, it doesn’t. Basically it’s because we know you’ve got a core audience that’s gonna buy whatever we put out, so we can charge more for that. It’s the pop stuff we have to discount to get people to buy it. True fans will pay whatever”. And I just said “That’s the most insulting thing I’ve heard. I’ve garnered a core audience that you feel it’s OK to rip off? F— you’. That’s also why you don’t see any label people here, ‘cos I said ‘F— you people. Stay out of my f—ing show. If you wanna come, pay the ticket like anyone else. F— you guys”. They’re thieves. I don’t blame people for stealing music if this is the kind of s— that they pull off.

Where does that extra $10 on your album go?

That money’s not going into my pocket, I can promise you that. It’s just these guys who have f—ed themselves out of a job essentially, that now take it out on ripping off the public. I’ve got a battle where I’m trying to put out quality material that matters and I’ve got fans that feel it’s their right to steal it and I’ve got a company that’s so bureaucratic and clumsy and ignorant and behind the times they don’t know what to do, so they rip the people off.

Given all that, do you have any idea how to approach the release of your next album?

I’ve have one record left that I owe a major label, then I will never be seen in a situation like this again. If I could do what I want right now, I would put out my next album, you could download it from my site at as high a bit-rate as you want, pay $4 through PayPal. Come see the show and buy a T-shirt if you like it. I would put out a nicely packaged merchandise piece, if you want to own a physical thing. And it would come out the day that it’s done in the studio, not this “Let’s wait three months” bulls—.

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the face of cheese

In the annals (yes, there are two N’s in that, even if you’re discussing celebritybuttplugs.com) of celebrity endorsements, there are many cautionary tales. Think “Babe for Baco’s!” Think “Michael Jackson for Match.com.” We may be looking at the latest victim of bad synergy.
Say hello to the face of stinky cheese:

Cat Deely

That’s Cat Deeley. Don’t worry if you’ve never heard of her: she’s a British celebrity. Nobody expects you to have heard of her. Well, at least she WILL be the face of cheese, if the Stilton Perfume people have their way.

Yes, I said Stilton Perfume.

Nigel White, of the SCA, brushed off suggestions that it might not be the most alluring of scents.

“Blue Stilton cheese has a very distinctive, mellow aroma and our perfumier was able to capture the key essence of that scent and recreate it in what is an unusual but highly wearable perfume,” he said.

“While we don’t have quite as generous a budget as some of her other endorsements, we would love Miss Deeley to be the face of Eau de Stilton and look forward to hearing what she thinks of the scent.”

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