zombie hamsters, the whores of Lisle street, the Lord of the Flies, and global warming

Zombie HamsterIt’s a long story.

First of all, the zombie hamsters were created by rigging up surplus military material to nuke them back to life after they were frozen solid by the Mad Scientists of Mill Hill.

No, I am not making this up.

Second of all, the scientist in charge of hamster zombification was James Lovelock, who later originated the Gaia Hypothesis, for which he is alternately vilified and deified by the Global Warming is an Apocalypse/Global Warming is a Hoax crowd, depending on how literal-minded the reader happens to be at that particular moment.

Third, the Gaia Hypothesis itself was named by the man who wrote Lord of the Flies. Which gives one pause, especially if one is a happy hippie kumbaya life-in-harmony type. Maybe the “Red in Tooth and Claw Hypothesis” was taken?

Fourth, to obtain the components for the hamster zombification machine, Lovelock had to delve deeply into the Red Light district of London, an area whose denizens, it is claimed, held no charms for him. That’s our boy! I’m sure those spinster novelists who were responsible for the creation of the archetype of respectable “confirmed bachelor” would be proud of him.

Actually (fifth!), microwaving the hamsters was an improvement over what they were doing before, which was putting heated spoons on their chests until their hearts restarted. Was one of those Mill Hillers a freebaser, perchance?

In any case (sixth!), it’s a long, strange journey from reanimating cryorodents to inventing the Grand Unified Theory of Planet Earth. But once you realize that the central question is: what is life, the flight plan makes more sense.

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All I want for my birthday

In answer to Stiletto‘s inquiry, all I want for my birthday is this:

Well, except for the sock on the jaw. Wouldn’t your life be just intrinsically cooler if everything you said was witty and subtitled, even if it was just in English?

Ah, but who will be my Nicky?

Anyway, that’s what I want, along with dinner at Delilah’s or yeah, maybe Connor Butler (gotta luv a six foot punk rock blond teddybear chef who greets you with “HEY WOW RAINCOASTER’S HERE!!! I mean he actually calls me raincoaster), and a nice bottle of Bombay Sapphire, Plymouth, or the now-discontinued and hence rare Malacca gin from Tanqueray. Oh, and a bottle of Campari and a bottle of Cinzano red vermouth, because those Negronis aren’t gonna make themselves, baby!

That’s what I want.

What I’ll probably get is something more like this:

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in Socialist Canuckistan, gravy beats YOU!

Canadian Flour Well, I knew this about Canadian beer, but never about Canadian flour.

Apparently, our four is so strong it comes with a warning. This brings up several questions:

  • Should pregnant women can our cookies?
  • Should those about to operate heavy machinery dump our dumplings?
  • Should drivers spurn our scones?
  • Should you be 18 or over and able to produce ID before enjoying the sublime pleasure of snarfing our cupcakes?

Or, much as our booze cautions apply largely to American tourists, do these warnings only apply to the British?

The scientific background, from inkycircus:

see the flour milled from wheat grown here in the UK is weak, meaning it is low in the protein gluten… all in all, lots of gluten makes for a good loaf. and the wheat comin’ outta the canadian breadbasket (our prairie provinces of Alberta, Saskatchewan and Manitoba) is STRONG.

Strong like tractor!

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a salute to the troops

Canadian Troops

Instead of racking my brains to come up with a (likely inferior) way of expressing my gratitude to the troops overseas, I think I’ll just suggest you read this eloquent letter from Lorrie Goldstein in the Winnipeg Sun. While reading it, I was thinking of a girl I used to babysit, now a mother of three and on her third tour of duty in Afghanistan. And I was thinking of Trevor Greene, still in St Paul’s Hospital, still working on rebuilding his life after an ambush and an axe to the head.

While you are reading this letter, never for one moment forget that the decision to go overseas, to become involved in wars, peacekeeping actions, and all such deployments, is a decision that is made not by military personnel, but by politicians. Direct your own letters and thoughts accordingly.

Given the recent lacklustre support by Toronto City Council for the men and women now serving our nation in Afghanistan, we dedicate today’s editorial celebrating Canada’s 140th birthday to all members of our military.

Thank you for choosing to serve Canada, whether you were born here or came here from another country.

Thank you for deciding that Canada is worth defending, both at home and abroad.

Thank you for being ready to sacrifice everything, not just a safe, comfortable life here at home with your loved ones, but your very lives, if necessary, to protect us and those who are in need of our protection abroad.

To the families of all who serve in our military, thank you for sharing your precious sons, daughters, husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, grandchildren, relatives and friends with us.

Like you, we pray they will complete their missions and return home safely to you as soon as possible. Like you, we pray for a just and lasting peace.

To those who face the unimaginable grief on this Canada Day, and every Canada Day to come, of missing the presence of a loved one because they died in the service of their country, know that we are thinking of you today.

That we grieve with you. That we pray for you. And that we will remember those you loved, and what they did for us and to help people they didn’t even know, forever.

To their parents, thank you for raising sons and daughters who willingly answered the call of their country.

We will always think of them as the fine young men and women of military bearing, frozen forever in the flower of youth, that we see in the pictures released upon their deaths.

But we know you remember them in a thousand different ways built up over a lifetime of memories — of lazy summer days, at family celebrations and of how they looked on their first day of school, or on the day they graduated.

To the wives, husbands and children of all those who have made the ultimate sacrifice in the service of their country, we cannot imagine the depth of your loss.

But we share your pride in who they were and like you, we celebrate what they did with their lives, because their lives mattered.

And so on this Canada Day, on our nation’s 140th birthday, we remember them, because they represent what Canada is all about at its very best.

Strong, free, honourable, compassionate — and dedicated to the service of others

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Canuckistani: the Canada Day podcast!

Che Conrad

To go with our delightful visual celebration of Canada Day, we present a musical accompaniment, 100% Canadian Content, eh! Stan Rogers singing The Northwest Passage, Bruce Cockburn‘s great lefty protest song If I Had a Rocket Launcher, and Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie performing The War of 1812 (oh, so popular with the Yanks!)

If you want fireworks too, remember: we’re Canada. We’re too poor to have fireworks! Just close your eyes and squash them with the heel of your hand just like Stephen Harper would want you to. Whoa! Special Effects!

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