Happy? Valentine’s Day

If they wanted us to be truly happy, wouldn’t it be OUR day instead of this Valendude’s? Think about it.

Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean it’s NOT a conspiracy.

The Stormtrooper of Love

The Stormtrooper of Love

Not sure what to get That Special Someone on This Special Day? If he’s anything like this guy, I recommend the newly-released Kalashnikov 5. Yes, that’s right: they released the newest AK-47 just in time for Valentine’s Day. How thoughtful of them.

As for me, well, is there any question what I want? And I didn’t get it for Christmas, either.

They simply flock to him

They simply flock to him

Dead Cottingley Fairy discovered

mummified cottingley fairy is mummified, akshuly

mummified cottingley fairy is mummified, akshuly

This time not in Devonshire; this time, it’s a Yorkshire fairy, eeeeh bee goom.

Well, strike me mum! Here’s yet more proof (if any were in fact required, and we are ALL ABOUT PROOF around these parts, as you know) that dead fairies are real. Or. Well. WERE real and are now post-real and in fact mummified, if not petrified, and who knew they had stagefright in the first place, eh?

Answer me that!

Yes, today via Propnomicon comes word that back in the dark days of January another former fairy has come to light from the collection of a prominent also-formerly-alive American archaeologist. Here is the update, via the El Dodo Albino news organization:

Octavius Zedock was a prominent cryptozoologist belonging to the Theosophical Society in New York who dedicated his life to the study of creatures whose existence has been denied by science for years.
His research was extensive and in his lifetime collected a large number of specimens not officially classified, and that for years have been kept by the Company. Today, the silence was broken and the specimens come to light for the first time … is time to learn, it’s time to discover the truth behind the myths.
The specimen collected in the city of Cottingley , England in the 20’s, shows the reality of the existence of fairies. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was right, there was something magical in the forests of that place…

There is more, but I can’t read Spanish anymore than I can read Elvish (somewhat less, thanks to a miss-spent youth, actually) so you’ll have to Babelfish it yourselves.

The emergence of this long-lost mummy raises interesting questions about the cultural heritage of the UK, particularly in the age of the EU. Can the country prevent its fairies from slipping away to foreign shores in the company of shifty Yanks in khakis? Only time, at about ₤300 an hour, can tell.

This forms the latest in our ongoing scientific investigation of the very real, and very hushed-up, phenomenon of dead fairies. If you have or are a dead fairy, or even a live one, you are encouraged to contact the editor of this blog via the comments section here or on the original Mummified Fairy post, where you will have lots of company. About 2200 iterations of company, in fact.

The Invention of Dubstep

Dwight is right. Dubstep sucks.

Dwight is right. Dubstep sucks.

Well, now we know who to blame: Fun Fun, an Italian disco act of major attitude and minor talent. They were, in fact, so bad at disco that they turned it into dubstep, which is the least that it deserves for all what it put us through back in the day. So here, with or without further ado, is Happy Station, the song that started it all. This video has everything 2012 and nothing 1983 except the cropped sweatshirts: zombies, robotic dance moves, surrealism, a Token Black Guy, and shameless camera hogging by that blonde with the side ponies.

via ThingsISawThatILove

Of course, since it’s dubstep, that Happy Station is probably a Numbers Station.

That’s a lotta blow!

Coco-BOOM

Coco-BOOM

Contrary to my expectations, and to my great disappointment, I learned that this is not how Coco Puffs are made. Au contraire, this is the War on Drugs. Who knew coke was so flammable?

The Guardian reports:

Puerto Concordia, Colombia: anti-narcotics police officers blow up a cocaine processing laboratory after seizing it from the Farc
Photograph: Guillermo Legaria/AFP/Getty Images

Bystanders were extremely moved by the pyrotechnic display, if not thrilled.

NO Moar Bear!

I fucking hate shortages!!

New Year’s Resolution for 2012

The Most Perfect Facebook Status Update of All Time

The Most Perfect Facebook Status Update of All Time

NO BAD FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES!!!

If you do that, I shall do this.

Kate Middleton throws shade upon you inexpert Facebook users

Kate Middleton throws shade upon you inexpert Facebook users

announcing: 2bad4FB, a blog for all those status updates that should never be posted to Facebook. Anonymity guaranteed, so put it in the Submit box. As soon as I get that enabled, that is.