Kurt Cobain welcomes the Herald of Death
Somebody get me Wikileaks…this story is too big to be contained.
We have consistently attempted to warn an oblivious world to the danger posed by those fanged and clawed trembly naked mole rats known as Chihuahuas, and has it listened?
The hell it has.
Well, folks, congratulations. It’s Too Late:
THEY have a cavalry.
and THEY have reinforcements.
You have been warned.
Enter the doors of perception
Let me tell you a story. A story of hippies. Of social workers. Of hockey equipment.
And yes, of mushrooms.
It happened this way: in fact, this is the very way it happened or if it isn’t somebody was lying to me when they told me this story and since I heard it from the social worker, not the hippie, I’m inclined to go out on a limb and believe her.
Besides, the life of a social worker is generally much more interesting around these parts than most people would think.
So my friend, Carinthia (of whom we have blogged previously in this very blog) was working as a social worker on the Mount Currie reservation near Pemberton, BC. This was a very long time ago, you understand. The internal combustion engine had been invented, but I’m not sure that sex or the internet had.
Hippies had. Been invented; they hadn’t been on the internet or, to my knowledge, had sex yet, because you know how hippies are: they talk a good game, but they smell so bad nobody will go near them. No, I have this on good authority and whoever told them that you could cover up BO with patchouli has a great deal for which to answer, you bet your sweet bippy you goddam hippie.
So…
One day my friend Carinthia is in a bar which is not saying much if you know Carinthia and although you may have been reading this blog a very long time I’m not sure that you’ve ever been properly introduced. Because I’m reasonably sure she doesn’t read it which can you blame her? Particularly at times like this, eh?
And next to her is this hippie. Mister Hippie and she fall into conversation, as one does, for indeed it’s one of the very things people go to bars for because they can get the booze at the liquor store if that’s all they want.
And way cheaper it is, too.
And Mister Hippie (or it might have been Master Hippie, not that they have a hierarchy really, I mean I really have no idea if he was over 18 or wore long pants or, indeed, any at all because they’re kind of relaxed about that sort of thing in BC especially in the vicinity of hot tubs, although I believe this particular amenity was absent from that bar but hoo boy would it ever up the friendliness to sit and stew in a big seething cauldron of People Soup while a friendly barkeep brings you drinks and excuse me, I think I sense a business opportunity and besides, where was I?) asked what she did, and Carinthia said she ran the children’s programs at the community centre.
Which is how we spell it in Canada, because we just gotta be that way.
And she, all polite-like, asks him what he does, although being a hippie is apparently very time-consuming and most of them, in fact, never do anything else besides being hippies, but this one does. He reaches into his pocket (no, that’s not what he does for a living, except in a very large sense, and you’ll see if you keep reading) and pulls out…
a mushroom.
Mushrooms by Kats Elixir
One of THOSE mushrooms.
And he needs to explain to her just what THOSE mushrooms are. He drives up from California, buying mushrooms all the way, and when his van (yes, a VW van, naturellement) is full he drives across to Chicago and New York and sells them there. Then he starts the circle all over again, and this is how he makes his living: as a traveling mushroom salesman.
How entrepreneurial.
But not as entrepreneurial as Carinthia, for she instantly asks, “and is that a good living?” and apparently yes, it is a very good living indeed, particular as, being a hippie, he doesn’t have expenses such as shampoo or razors or soap, and patchouli is really very cheap if you buy it in bulk. And she picks up the mushroom and asks how much he pays for mushrooms like this.
And it is apparently a very, very interesting number, for Carinthia asks him if she can keep it as a souvenir and if he’ll be in the bar again tomorrow night, buying, and the answers to all of the above are Yes and off she goes.
Cut to the next day at the community centre, and open on an extreme closeup of Carinthia addressing the assembled children of the tribe. Pull back until we can see that in each of her hands is a big green garbage bag.
“Do you see this mushroom, kids? Look very carefully. Now I want you to fill these bags with mushrooms exactly like this. Not any other kind, just this kind. Do you think you can do that for me?”
And of course they could, and that is how they got all new baseball and hockey equipment for the community centre.
Selah.
Jackie Rogers Jr, the world's biggest celebrity
This is truly shocking. While it’s no secret that Wikileaks founder Julian Assange has always had a bit of the showman about him, who could have imagined that he came by it genetically. The below video provides, we believe, conclusive proof that the incomparable Jackie Rogers Jr. is, in fact, Julian Assange’s biological father. Watch and see for yourself the stunning resemblance:
Now, compare that white-hot fabulousness with the diva moves on display in the famous Julian vs John Travolta Dance-Off video below:
I think we can consider the matter settled, no?
And in related fabulousness news, click over the jump for today’s celebrity gossip links.
In Case of Raptor
We all know the Rapture is coming. And we pretty much all know we, ourselves, are not going to be beamed straight to Heaven by Saint Scotty’s magical transporter, so it behooves those of us who will be Left Behind (shades of grade school!) to prepare as best we might for life in a post-apocalyptic, zombie paradise.
But just in case it doesn’t happen, I’m doing what a Facebook friend suggested, and leaving empty shoes filled with glitter outside all the gay bars I can find, just to confuse the Christians.
In case of Rip Taylor
Here’s a very servicey video from our friend FrontierFormerEditor on practical ways to prepare for the looting which will inevitably ensue. Get your shopping carts in good working order now, people!
and if that doesn’t cover all your bases, here is a small roundup of Top Rapture Tweets. Yes, I expect this to trend BIG over the next two days. Apologies I can’t grab the Tweetshots, but Tweetshots appears to have been Raptured already.
In case of rupture
And here are zombie invasion survival tips from the Center for Disease Control. Boy, the government looks after everything, don’t they?
The rise of zombies in pop culture has given credence to the idea that a zombie apocalypse could happen. In such a scenario zombies would take over entire countries, roaming city streets eating anything living that got in their way. The proliferation of this idea has led many people to wonder “How do I prepare for a zombie apocalypse?”
Well, we’re here to answer that question for you, and hopefully share a few tips about preparing for real emergencies too!
So what do you need to do before zombies…or hurricanes or pandemics for example, actually happen? First of all, you should have an emergency kit in your house. This includes things like water, food, and other supplies to get you through the first couple of days before you can locate a zombie-free refugee camp (or in the event of a natural disaster, it will buy you some time until you are able to make your way to an evacuation shelter or utility lines are restored). Below are a few items you should include in your kit, for a full list visit the CDC Emergency page.
- Water (1 gallon per person per day)
- Food (stock up on non-perishable items that you eat regularly)
- Medications (this includes prescription and non-prescription meds)
- Tools and Supplies (utility knife, duct tape, battery powered radio, etc.)
- Sanitation and Hygiene (household bleach, soap, towels, etc.)
- Clothing and Bedding (a change of clothes for each family member and blankets)
- Important documents (copies of your driver’s license, passport, and birth certificate to name a few)
- First Aid supplies (although you’re a goner if a zombie bites you, you can use these supplies to treat basic cuts and lacerations that you might get during a tornado or hurricane)
That is what I call Taking Care of Your People! Remember, it’s time to get that granny cart and the acetylene torch all tuned up. Only 48 Earthly hours left!
No, I’m serious. Heavy Metal Mashups make an excellent Unicorn Chaser, particularly when mashed with Bollywood music. Click Play and trust me.
Iron Maiden vs Dhoom2
There, have your feet stopped moving? Aren’t you happy now? Grateful to me? You damn well should be, you ingrates. Here I am chained to a laptop in the accursed, barren land of Vangroover…
Vangroover, people. Yeah, this is the view
yeah, forget I said that. Anyway…I’ve got a lovely roundup of Unicorn Chasers for you today, including not just one but TWO, count ’em, TWO musical interludes. Here we present a Mexican Mariachi band (there is another kind of mariachi band?) performing that old Pink Floyd classic, The Wall.
Awww. And as if that weren’t enough, here’s the now-famous Boob Flash at tonight’s Canucks game. I seriously think the Green Men may be out of a job.
Contrary to the title, the boobs are not actually flashbulbs
And to make your Wednesday complete, we have yes, another roundup of celebrity gossip links! Oh! My! God! Can you freaking STAND it?!?!
raincoaster 