The Epistle to the Stratforians

dear Stratfor clients, let us know how you really feel?

dear Stratfor clients, let us know how you really feel?

Yes, if you looked closely on Twitter there WAS something more interesting than the Oscars going on tonight. Well, photosynthesis is more interesting, but you know what I mean.

Anonymous and Wikileaks combined forces to leak over five million emails from “private CIA” company Stratfor. Anonymous has gone up against Stratfor before, but by routing the dox through Wikileaks they leverage a chain of media relationships and thus publicity that Anon alone could never reach. Said it before and I will, in fact, say it again: Wikileaks is a PR agency for documents. Wikileaks had a vested interest in this leak because over 4000 of the emails mention Julian Assange or Wikileaks.

Just when everyone thought they had become; a) irrelevant and b) preoccupied, Wikileaks comes out with a fatal stroke that, because of its more than 25 international media partnerships, is as instantly ubiquitous as it is effective.

On Monday February 27th, 2012, WikiLeaks began publishing The Global Intelligence Files, over five million e-mails from the Texas headquartered “global intelligence” company Stratfor. The e-mails date between July 2004 and late December 2011. They reveal the inner workings of a company that fronts as an intelligence publisher, but provides confidential intelligence services to large corporations, such as Bhopal’s Dow Chemical Co., Lockheed Martin, Northrop Grumman, Raytheon and government agencies, including the US Department of Homeland Security, the US Marines and the US Defence Intelligence Agency. The emails show Stratfor’s web of informers, pay-off structure, payment laundering techniques and psychological methods.

Did I say “fatal?” I sure as hell did. Take a gander at this document, a mere two hours old.

From: george.friedman@stratfor.com

To: fred.burton@stratfor.com

Subject: Draft

Date: 2012-02-26 19:02:07

It is with great personal disappointment I have to inform you that I will resign from my position as CEO for Stratfor to immediate effect.

Please rest assured that this decision was not an easy. But in the light of the recent events, especially the release of our company emails by WikiLeaks, I have decided that stepping down is in the best interest of Stratfor and its customer base.

I want to emphasize that this will have no effect on Stratfor’s business or its members and we will continue to provide state-of-the-art intelligence services.

Regarding the latest breach, Stratfor is fully in control of the situation However, while I cannot take any personal responsibility for this incident, I still have to admit that mistakes have been made on our side. To be clear: We certainly do not condone any criminal activities by groups like Anonymous or other hackers. This is theft and we will continue to cooperate with law enforcement to bring those responsible to justice. But we must acknowledge that this incident would not have been possible if Stratfor had implemented stronger data protection mechanisms – which will be the case from now on. Indeed we will immediately move to implement the latest, and most comprehensive, data security measures.

While I played no role in our technical operations, as the company’s CEO I do accept full responsibility thus will resign from my position effective immediately.

Again, my sincerest apologies for this whole unfortunate incident.

Sincerely,
George Friedman

Yes, George Friedman, former CEO of Stratfor, is officially Fried, if not Fired. That’s a neat trick, saying you can’t take any personal responsibility but that you do accept full responsibility; not to mention claiming to be fully in control of a situation where five million of your security company’s “secure” emails, many of them mortifying, have been released.

Mortifying? How about institutionalized bigotry and opportunistic, malevolent greed for starters, not to mention this high-level security company being shown up, repeatedly, on the security front. There are five million more emails to sift through, and a press conference coming up in a few hours. Who knows what lulz may come?

https://twitter.com/#!/wikileaks/status/173887094584901632

Coffee, anyone?

Cthulhu coffee is tentacularly tasty!

Cthulhu coffee is tentacularly tasty!

After the night I’ve had, make mine a decaf.

https://twitter.com/#!/raincoaster/status/171892566931943424

https://twitter.com/#!/AssangeC/status/171921297952092160

https://twitter.com/#!/NOH8ER/status/171901788717449216

https://twitter.com/#!/raincoaster/status/171901969533911040

https://twitter.com/#!/wheeliesmom/status/171941972938997760

On the upside:

https://twitter.com/#!/Lego_KurtCobain/status/171944825854238720

So yeah, validated.

But I’m telling you, for the next little while I don’t need any god damn more surprises. CHEERS!

have a cup of Cthulhu!

have a cup of Cthulhu!

Post-Valentine’s Day Unicorn Chaser

Geek Online Dating with Julian Assange

Geek Online Dating with Julian Assange; satisfaction guaranteed or your encryption key back!

And how was YOUR Valentine’s Day?

Spokesmodeling: looks like somebody’s found a way to keep Wikileaks flush while fighting court cases around the world! Smart thinking; the marketing of Lay-A-Neckbeard.net is challenging in the extreme, thanks to people’s selfish refusal to be sexually attracted to the physically repulsive. All they need is a little marketing makeover (and diet and exercise, facials, stylists, and grooming tips) and POOF! Instant sex god dating site.

Also related: Penis Puppy! Awww, so cute…and about 30 inches long!

Penis Puppy

Penis Puppy

If you’re not dating, how are you spending your time? If you’re like me, like this:

Tea and hardcovers

Tea and hardcovers

You KNOW you have no secrets on the internet. Oh, PS: You left the webcam on.

Happy? Valentine’s Day

If they wanted us to be truly happy, wouldn’t it be OUR day instead of this Valendude’s? Think about it.

Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean it’s NOT a conspiracy.

The Stormtrooper of Love

The Stormtrooper of Love

Not sure what to get That Special Someone on This Special Day? If he’s anything like this guy, I recommend the newly-released Kalashnikov 5. Yes, that’s right: they released the newest AK-47 just in time for Valentine’s Day. How thoughtful of them.

As for me, well, is there any question what I want? And I didn’t get it for Christmas, either.

They simply flock to him

They simply flock to him

Wikileaks 1: Mainstream Media, um, 1

Whatchoolookinat?

Whatchoolookinat?

It’s a tale told in tweets, a very Twenty-First Century tale, for lo, it is all about recycling, Wikileaks, Russia, Orwellian paranoia, US online surveillance, and the Mainstream Media vs the New Media (remember the New Media? This is it. Are we vindicated or embarrassed?).

In other words, this is what my editors over at the DailyDot.com did NOT decide to run with my latest Wikileaks story, so I’m using it here, so there.

They took out all my wacky Cold War jokes, too, damnation! What’s an article about Russia and the US without a few tasteless Cold War jokes thrown in? Whodathunk a few references here or there to Google’s info-capitalist hegemony would get people in Silicon Valley so touchy?

Our story begins:

https://twitter.com/#!/M_Simonyan/status/162104072445509632

which comes from the head of RT, the network which has just picked up Julian Assange‘s new talk show. I repeat: JULIAN ASSANGE’S NEW TALK SHOW.

and translates thusly:

The AFP has issued a note that Assange goes with us. Are mixed there, I went to a meeting withthe explosive, and about the alpha male, and about YES:) #chistyytresh

to which we can only reply:

This might actually convince me to get cable. I’ll just let Twitter tell the rest of the story.

https://twitter.com/#!/NOH8ER/status/162138852511842306
https://twitter.com/#!/NOH8ER/status/162134312458788865

and from my former boss at True/Slant, now in charge of the front page of the NYT.com,

https://twitter.com/#!/michaelroston/status/162103275703906304
https://twitter.com/#!/raincoaster/status/162104140963647488
https://twitter.com/#!/michaelroston/status/162104489376096256
https://twitter.com/#!/raincoaster/status/162105164927467521
https://twitter.com/#!/raincoaster/status/162105349581701121
https://twitter.com/#!/michaelroston/status/162105860670226432

Well, you KNOW there’s no way I’m taking THAT lying down.

Canuckistani Revolutionary

Canuckistani Revolutionary


https://twitter.com/#!/raincoaster/status/162106606245515264
https://twitter.com/#!/michaelroston/status/162106738085068800
https://twitter.com/#!/raincoaster/status/162107203778641920
https://twitter.com/#!/michaelroston/status/162107524290592768
https://twitter.com/#!/raincoaster/status/162108598825132033
https://twitter.com/#!/NOH8ER/status/162134728504385536
https://twitter.com/#!/NOH8ER/status/162129514149851137