We don’t know who wrote this, but I stole it from Dr. Mike: here are 50 things not to do at Hogwarts. Or rather, here are just the ones I like the very most bestest:

50 Things NOT to do at Hogwarts

1. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are “covered in bees”.

2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

4. “I’ve heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood’s name” is not a challenge.

5. I am not allowed to attempt to breed a liger.

6. I will not go to class skyclad.

7.The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball. [ed. note: Goddammit! Now I need to line up another date!]

10. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. “Polishing my wand” in the common room is not.

11. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

14. I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today’s project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.

17. Seamus Finnegan is not “after me Lucky Charms”.

21. It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that “Once you go Black, you never go back.”

24. I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as “Kitchen Stadium”.

28. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.

37. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.

38. I am not a Pinball Wizard.

47. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.

48. I will not greet Professor McGonagall with “What’s new, pussycat?”

Go read the rest!

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