I couldn’t be more excited. Not only has Mattel taken the Bratz by the headlights and launched the extra-superglamorous MAC Barbie (read her Vanity Fair interview if you’ve got five minutes and some brain cells to kill), but now they’re micro-marketing, with niche Barbies catering to every geographical demographic in the Lower Mainland. With their inevitable Eastward move, I can hardly wait to see what Hogtown Barbie looks like.

My friend Cassandra passed the following along to me but I have no idea who wrote it, so if you know the source please pass that along and I’ll credit them.

‘Yaletown Barbie’

This princess Barbie is sold only at the Yaletown Choices Market.

She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a designer kitchen.

Available with or without tummy tuck and face-lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

‘Coquitlam Barbie’

The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching gym outfit.

She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation.

Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

‘East Van Barbie ‘

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit.

This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills)

…unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.

‘West Van Barbie’

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2.

Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership.

Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper.

You won’t be able to afford any of them.

‘Chilliwack Barbie’

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder.

She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set.

She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she is drunk.

Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

‘Loft Barbie’

This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends.

Percocet prescription available as well as warehouse conversion condo.

‘Maple Ridge Barbie’

This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Butler Barbie’s house.

Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top.

Also available with a mobile home.

‘Kitsilano Barbie’

This doll is made of actual tofu.

She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks.

She prefers that you call her Willow.

She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Point Breeze Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

‘Surrey Barbie’

This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll.

Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass.

Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

‘Whistler Barbie’

She’s perfect in every way.

We don’t know where Ken is.

Ken is always out a-‘huntin’.

‘West End Barbie/Ken’

This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on body parts.

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::