Category Archives: Movies

Britney loses weight: 180 pounds!

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 the body's back, boys!

Skanks, wiggers, and rednecks everywhere rejoice as today their Vestal “Virgin” Britney Spears, tosses aside Husband #2 as the first step on the long march to eventual penniless and dubiously-titled decrepitude.

Yep, she’s single. TMZ via Gawker has the report. I have only one question:

DOES JUSTIN KNOW?

…citing “irreconcilable differences.” In her petition, Spears asks for both legal and physical custody of the couple’s two children, one-year old Sean Preston and two-month old Jayden James, with Federline getting reasonable visitation rights.

As for money, sources tell TMZ the couple, who married in Oct. 2004, has an iron-clad prenup. Not surprisingly, Spears is waiving her right to spousal support. She’s also asking the judge to make each party pay their own attorney’s fees.

Spears gives the date of separation as yesterday, the same day she flaunted her incredible revamped physique during a surprise appearance on David Letterman‘s show.

Boys, you know what it takes: nice arms, a collection of tats, a pretty face, the ability to wear clothes large enough to fit an entire family of nomads inside, and proof of fertility. Deafness is a plus, or at least one of god’s small mercies in this case.

Good luck and god speed.

Oh, and the news about the sex tape is here.

“saw this and thought of you”

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My friends send me the sweetest little notes. The packages they’re attached to, however…

Presenting the Mad Scientist Laughing Contest, from Helsinki, Finland, proud home to one of the highest rates of Seasonal Affective Disorder in the world. Here, we can see the tragic consequences.

Walken to dial down the weird

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Walken plays pool just like you, and when he's done he makes gold records!It’ll be a blow to his longtime fans, but cinematic icon and soul-blackened master of the bizarre Christopher Walken is to take on the most challenging role of his career.

In a complete reversal of his normal role-seeking priorities, Walken has chosen a character who, despite an outward appearance of berserk, orgiastic hedonism, actually possesses the soul of a retired bee-keeper in the Cotswolds.

Christopher Walken is to play Ozzy Ozbourne. Defamer has the rest:

Motley Crue lead singer Vince Neil told ABC News Radio in an exclusive interview that the 63-year-old Oscar-winning actor will make a cameo appearance as Osbourne in “The Dirt,” a movie based on the band’s controversial 2001 autobiography…

…other stars are going to appear in the film as rock stars, including Val Kilmer as David Lee Roth.

Both of those men are going to have to dial the weird RIGHT DOWN in order to play these rock gods. And, I imagine, they’ll be blowing off a lot of pent-up steam with the extras later.

Play safe, boys! Rough play with airborne blood particles must only take place in a properly tarped zone…

Operation Global Media Domination: ATTENTION READERS!!!

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Michael J. Fox, foxWhichever one of you came here through a search for “why michael j. fox pleasures his fans,” you need to talk to me, baby.

What did you hear, when did you hear it, who has he pleasured, and, most importantly, how is he?

< tastelessness > some of us have been looking for a way to combine the perfect man and the perfect vibrator for a very long time < / endtastelessness >

Brian Atene, meet Denny Blazin Hazen, the Average Homeboy

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Brian Atene, 20, Aug 16, 1963

Brian Atene, 20, Aug 16, 1963 and then they broke the mold

A brief refresher before we begin.

You all remember Brian Atene, bad audition posterboy and internet laughingstock for the video he made to convince Stanley Kubrick (CUE-brick) to give him the lead in Full Metal Jacket. Naturally, in a smarmy culture where everyone’s a comedian, it wasn’t long before someone made a series of viciously amusing Brian Atene: the Chubby Years videos to bring us up to speed on our hero.

What separates Brian Atene from David Hasselhoff? One thing, ladies and gentlemen: staying power. If David Hasselhoff were an internet laughingstock, you can bet your sweet bippy that it would be David Hasselhoff and nobody else who would make the mocking “where are they now” video, and he’d be up until the wee hours, uploading that puppy to YouTube and, for all I know, favoriting it under eight hundred different usernames.

Brian Atene is no David Hasselhoff.

But Denny Blazin Hazen is.

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present Denny Blaze, circa 1986. Don’t laugh: you wore those ridiculous pants too, didn’t you?

It’s okay. Breathe. Breathe. Nobody’s going to make you mousse your mullet if you don’t want to. Just relax.

Now see what Denny Blaze has done in response to that video’s 546,401 views, 326 comments, and 1083 times favorited.

He’s owned it.

I am now solidly on Team Average Homeboy! Bonus points that he’s kept in shape, too. Looks better than generational icon and sex scandaliste Rob Lowe, who’s starting to get that Keef look around the eyes, and for good reason from what I hear.