Category Archives: Operation Global Media Domination

Just what it sounds like. My quest to conquer the global media and take over the world. Maybe I can get my library fines cancelled…what can I say? It’s a last-ditch effort.

Operation Global Media Domination: Learn by Example

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MySpaceIt was a very smart boy who said "Learn from the mistakes of others, for you will never live long enough to make them all yourself."

With these words of immortal wisdom in mind, we present the following, from Got Detroit? a metroblog of the finest quality.

How to Conquer the World Using Only an Internet Connection and Myspace

It may either be a lack of quality sleep, or my inherent celebrity fixation, but either way, I’m going to scream it out loud: Myspace is neat! I don’t even want to tell you how many celebrity friends we have. But I will. Let’s see. There’s Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Ashley Simpson (they come in a set), most of the Detroit Pistons, J.J. of Good Times, Anakin Skywalker, Paris Hilton (all four of them), the entire nation of Israel – Not everyone in Israel, but the nation itself – and I can’t be positive, but at some point I’m pretty sure Tommy Lee’s Penis was our friend (don’t ask). That is, until the Super Bowl, when he promptly had his ass handed to him by Eminem (also our friend).

But, we’ve been thinking lately that something may be missing. That we’re missing the “big picture” on this Myspace thing. Then, wham!, it hit us. The old axiom: It’s all about who you know. And if it’s all about who you know, then it’s gotta be all about the power thing(1). Right? And if we’re going to be doing any real quality world domination any time soon, we figured it might be time to step it up a notch and get after some real heavy hitting trendsetters. Ones that can provide us a little of that allusive “it” factor, glad-handing and some of that ye ole’ flesh pressing we so desperatly need. And Myspace is just ripe with all sorts of these freewheelin, fun-lovin’ attention whores. Who knew Myspace was so trendy and politically/commerically connected?

After much debate we narrowed down our list of must have “friends” we require in order to survive in this looming New New World Order (get a pencil):

  • Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Sure, he’s a douchebag, but whad’ya gonna do?)
  • The Republic of China (If they haven’t already made everything you own, you can bet your ass they soon will)
  • Illegal Immigrants (they’re probably online right now!)
  • Al Gore (Naw. We just wanted to fuck with him a little bit. And besides, he hasn’t logged on in awhile)
  • Gawker (knows how to find all the top notch celeb’s. And sports a pretty impressive collection of the ladies.)
  • Michelle Malkin (We get the feeling she may not be interested)
  • Future Ruler of the World, Suri Cruise (who surprisingly has only one friend, and is really a 50 year old male from Corona Del Mar.)Of course, we tried to nab Rupert Murdoch, but his Myspace profile was strangely unavailable. I mean, come on! The guy owns Myspace! What better friend to have, eh?So, there is our current – yet fully flexible – list of who we’re actively hunting (aside from the usual smattering of cute girls). Who else, dear readers, should we include in our grand experiment? Have we missed someone? If so, let us know discretely. We’re not here to piss anyone off, ya know.(1) But mostly, really, it’s all about the hooking up

    • Operation Global Media Domination: The Answer

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    TIAI'm incredibly relieved to check stats and see that although we're having our best hit day ever NOT ONE PORN search led people here yesterday. Finally. Instead, it's all about the eagles, the politics, and the smackdown. And curling, naturallement. So, in celebration, I am happily going to answer the one unanswered question among them.

    Yes, Cowichan sweaters are worth the money.

    You have been enlightened. Go placidly amidst the Gore-tex and polar fleece, and remember that corduroy pants make funny noises. As far as possible be on good terms with the MEC sales staff. But tell them straight up their shirts are too dorky, and listen to their recommendations, for they know what's on sale.

    Cowichan Sweater

    Hacked. Someone soon to be whacked.

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    Fine, hack my site. Change my immortal prose; anything you could do would be inferior. It wouldn't bother me, and might be good for a laugh.

    But do not take the post below this and change "Stephen Harper" into "Paul Martin" while I am out at dinner.

    Not if you value the only testicle you possess.

    I will take my born-and-raised-on-military-bases fist and I will put my father's medals in it and I will go proctological and evisceratory on your sad, sorry and pox-ridden ass.

    And I will hunt you down and post your name, address, phone number, tween-baiting Myspace site, LavaLife profile, and dick size to this website (it can measure down to electron microscope levels), and then I will go down to the police station and I will hook this up to the cyberstalker of several years ago, and they will hunt you down and they will spay and neuter what's left of you once I'm done, and we will ship it to your mother in eight separate Tupperware containers.

    In the meantime, sodium fluoroacetate solution brings weight loss & penis growth. Try it!!

    Save me some time, Loserboy.

    FYI:

    CIA Surrender Manual. Think About It. You'll Love PMITA Prison

    Operation Global Media Domination: Politics Day

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    TIAToday, as you may have noticed, was Politics Day at the ol' raincoaster blog. And, surprisingly, I find that the only thing which out-pulls sex and/or curling (curling porn was a top search, btw) is politics. Glad I found something that did. Getting a wee bit tired of the eedjuts coming to this blog via searches for "Mango Porn."

    I am indeed a famewhore of the highest order (the lower orders have to sit on the unshaded side of the temple and stick to beige robes) but even I am not gonna be rooting for more dead Canadian soldiers or pissy, self-serving and moronic Tory policies from the remarkably lifelike Stephen Harper or the remarkably simian George W. Bush. Although I do admit a peculiar fondness for the video of that funny little Chaplin impersonator and that funny Turko-American writer fellow.

    Operation Global Media Domination: Gay Pirates kick Bloggers Ass

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    TIAThe raincoaster blog is quite proud and, in fact, almost insufferable about the fact that we have cracked the top 350,000 blogs in Technorati. If you've done better than that, we don't want to hear about it. No, really. We get all weepy and snappish when we hear about that sort of thing unless it's accompanied by a heartfelt "and let me teach you exactly how I did that" email.

    PeterPan, I'm talking to you.

    And while it's nice to be promoted so my stat counter starts at 30, rather than zero, there's a brief yet heart-stopping period every day when I appear to have negative readers. And we all know my readers are as positive little bundles of human sunshine as it is possible to be, right? Totally, bitches!

    In a search term roundup this week, it is quite clear that Gay Pirates kick the ass of all blog-related posts. There are the classic greatest hits: mango porno, Narnia porn, and octopus sewing patterns. And curling. Lotsa curling.

    Eagles are good, too. Raptors apparently rank high in the blogosphere; I can see that, you know. Winging through the sky, falling upon their prey like a thunderbolt, soaring in regal isolation, making Technorati their bitch.