Yes, I'll take the drumstick
Those soft-headed Chihuahua defenders may, in fact, have a point. We now present shocking video proof that the hideous, deformed, shivering naked mole rat clone dog impersonating aliens are in fact subjected to unimaginably cruel torture and pushed beyond the breaking point, prior to being released from the hatcheries upon an unsuspecting and unprepared public.
Turn the sound up and click to watch IF YOU DARE!
You think Chihuahuas are vicious? You think they’re yappy? You think they’re neurotic? You haven’t met their owners.
Our latest flamewar comes to us from Gawker, where it grew from a post about the nutbag hoarder who dropped off 43 of the little fanged mutants at the Victoria SPCA.
See, here’s where I think deportation is a great idea. I would round up every fucking rat dog in san diego and demand to see their papers. Those without valid visas would be put in a dump truck and poured off a bridge 1′ south of the midline of the rio grande. Any that swam north would be shot for trying to re-immigrate.
I love dogs, but hate rats. And I’ve never yet seen any evidence that Chiuahuas belong in the former category. Reply
@m4ximusprim3: You don’t love dogs. Reply
m4ximusprim3 promoted this comment
@m4ximusprim3: If you want to come off as tactless and juvenile there are 3 things to make fun of: a person’s name; their accent; their dog. I’m sure you’re a rugged, woodsy outdoor type with a pair of all-American retrievers you hunt with regularly. We’re not all so manly, or have something to compensate for, so please try to be more understanding. Also, the last I knew, they allow chihuahuas at Westminster, and I’d say the AKC is a better arbiter of what is and isn’t a dog than you. Replym4ximusprim3 promoted this comment@bunzah_steele: Taxonomy and practicality are separate issues. Tomatoes and squashes are technically fruits, but you won’t find them in any fruit salads. Chihuahuas are technically dogs, but they don’t perform any of the activities normally associated with dogs, besides possibly barking.
I’m not saying you can’t love them, I’m saying they’re closer to trembly mole creatures than any practical definition of a dog. And if I had my way, they’d get cleared the hell out of san diego, where they’re ubiquitous as purse dogs and generally quite annoying. Reply
@bunzah_steele: And I’m against hunting on principle. If you want to take down a deer, you should have to fight it with a knife so the deer has a chance. Reply@m4ximusprim3: The purpose of chihuahuas is to be companion animals – particularly in the city, a task at which they excel. In that respect I’d say they are eminently practical. It’s not like they’re some breed developed 400 years ago in Scotland to hunt something now extinct that people continue breeding so they can parade it around to enhance their self image. How many people own mastiffs or sheepdogs that live the same life as any pampered sissy chihuahua? Incidentally, I’ve only been mocked with the tired “rat” putdown twice while walking my dogs, but this is New York and there are plenty of small dogs here because it makes sense to have a small dog in a small apartment. If San Diego is so terribly overrun, maybe YOU should get the hell out. Something to consider. Reply@m4ximusprim3: You want to know something that will probably make you go batshit crazy and have a fit in which you writhe around, froth at the mouth and bite the furniture? Yes? Well, many many small dogs are actually bred in Mexico and smuggled over the border and sold either on the street or in so-called “pet shops”. Happy now? Reply@m4ximusprim3: I’m a dog handler, and work with a number of different breeds of dogs. And chihuahuas are definitely dogs. I’ve seen them swim, hunt (butterflies), wrestle, play fetch, and do tricks. Like many small dogs they crave human companionship and attention somewhat more than large dogs. They are not particularly like rats, which my tiny poodle enjoys killing. Reply@m4ximusprim3: hey if I had MY was San Diego would get cleared out of Cali. Good thing we don’t always get what we want! Reply@m4ximusprim3: Max, you know what, if you got a little dog to take care of, say someone you know and like asked you to take care of their tiny dog just for a week, a weird thing would happen, you’d start to like this dog and find out the endearing qualities, and you’d see small dogs in a whole new way, and the reason I can tell this is because you defended bambi so you have a soft heart after all. Hahaha. Reply@m4ximusprim3: I never used the term “fucking,” advocated killing or used right wing anti-immigrant language in anything I wrote right out of the gate. So I think you win the vehemence award (a sash of rotting sardines). Your post was nasty, offensive and not funny. Practically everything mean you wrote was before I posted a word. So don’t blame it on me. OK, troll fed. Good night! Reply@m4ximusprim3: They’re doing more or less the same thing with humans.
But Chihuahua people are “fragile,” so behold the hate you get for saying this.
Chihuahuas are horrible, virtually untrainable, dumb knicknacks with teeth and bad tempers. They are pets for people who don’t actually like, you know, PETS. Reply
@m4ximusprim3: “Trembly mole creature.” Exactly! Reply@raincoaster: I think you’ve gotten to the heart of the issue- it’s really the Chihuahua people I hate, not their hairless, yapping charges.
Also, how on earth have I not hearted you before? We agree on virtually everything.
Rectified! Reply
@m4ximusprim3: Sorry, but I have to comment.
I have a 2 year old long-haired chihuahua named Charlie. Not only does he barely ever bark, he is a loyal, fun, clean DOG. I go on 15km runs all the time and he always keeps up. He’s not some little purse dog who yaps at everyone.
So to generalize like that is very insulting. Reply
@raincoaster: Love at last! At least something good came of this. Replyraincoaster promoted this comment@bunzah_steele: It’s great that you’re not defensive and high-strung. Because that would only reinforce what I’d said. Reply@raincoaster: And it’s refreshing that you’re not brutal, nasty, contemptuous and thin-skinned. Anybody can see from your posts in this thread that your humor is a marvel of droll subtlety. Reply@m4ximusprim3: wow, I have no idea what kind of cats you see. Reply@bunzah_steele: What, you didn’t know all of that already? Don’t you have teh googlez where you live? Reply@raincoaster: Oh right. You’re FAMOUS. I have to read your book. Reply@raincoaster: Oh, and drowning in cash, by the looks of your site. Reply@raincoaster: I swear I hit the damn pencil 24 times in 2 browsers and everything I could think of to cancel that mean one. I’m really sorry. Reply@bunzah_steele: No worries. If I couldn’t take a hit now and again I’d get off the internet.
Besides, if I’m famous for anything, it’s my impecuniousness! Reply
@raincoaster: Seriously, that video was the perfect humorous kiss-off and I hail your wit and timing. Reply@bunzah_steele: Thanks. See? What did I say? GROUP HUG! Reply@bunzah_steele: I assume you know about this site:
The Tomb of the Chihuahua Pharaohs Reply
@raincoaster: Yes, a friend sent it to me long ago. It’s pretty normal compared The Chihuahua Kingdom, which no longer exists. That was a site run by a husband & wife who had like 20 dogs living in individual plush cuevas, arranged like a subdivision. While they came off as very knowledgeable and responsible dog owners, the site was set up around a medieval castle theme, with sections like the Court of Learning and a Bridge of Remembrance. They had pretty good dog-rearing info nonetheless and this was back when I had my first chi. Then one day there was a message to the effect of “My wife, having assumed the identity of Steve on the site, has assumed it in real life. We are seeking immediate counseling and will be back when she is normal.” Which apparently never happened. So you’re right, chihuahua owners can be a fragile bunch, something I demonstrated myself. I’m still thoroughly abashed at my own ankle-biting with you, I guess it’s true that dog owners eventually start behaving like their pets! Of course, I’m all yours if you let me lick the paté knife. Reply@bunzah_steele: Oh my. That’s a wonderful story: I live for that sort of thing.
I had a border collie. Not sure what that says about me, except that I couldn’t take her near the playground because she would bite at the ankles of the kids in an attempt to herd them up the slide.
No worries. Getting into these kinds of spats is more or less what the comments section here is FOR, and nobody as equal-opportunity offensive as me goes long without getting up somebody’s nostrils.
Bear none.
I mean Bar None, which is a nice bar in Yaletown and surprisingly unsnooty, although that’s probably just because it’s too dark to see if they should snub you and also because I know the right people. But the bar is not what I mean, unless you’re speaking with a broad Eastern accent, in which case yes, it is.
I mean this:
I don't remember reading this part in the Cthulhu Mythos
That is a BC Black Bear totally pwning a servant of Great Cthulhu. These bears are normally peaceful creatures, doglike, even timid:
They enjoy nothing better than playing on the trampoline, relaxing in a hammock, or enjoying a pic-a-nik basket with pals.
The workers couldn't wait for their turn at the Bouncy Castle!
but when they are protecting their territory, hunting for food, or taking care of those they consider family, they can be ruthless. The so-called Red Devil Squid in the top picture must surely have gotten too close to one of the cubs, or possibly attempted to make off with the bear’s particular crop of salmon.
Now, from deepest, darkest Christina Lake, British Columbia comes word of a new kind of bear.
Not that kind.
This kind.
They'll pry the machete from my cold dead paws
It seems a local farmer had developed a close relationship with some 13 neighborhood black bears, to the extent of feeding them, handling them, taming them, and really, everything that can still be mentioned on the evening news short of folding, spindling, and mutilating them. The bears, in turn, acted as guardians for the farm, which was a farm which required guardianship, what with it growing 2300 plants of the finest BC Bud, a crop worth enough loonies and toonies to keep the bears in dog food and the farmer in Gucci for many a year.
Amusingly, unless I’m misremembering the name, this farmer would be the selfsame Justin who used to be the assistant manager at one of the billions of Starbucks at which I worked; in this case, the one at Main and 14th. I heard him on the phone once in the back room, saying to person or persons (or ursines) unknown, “No, it’s perfect. Jimmy’s father is overseas for a few years and has to rent out his land. It’s surrounded on four sides by corn farms, and corn is, like, TALL. The neighbors aren’t nosy at all, and the only access is a private dirt road. It’s PERFECT, I’m TELLING YOU!” and then he looked at me funny, as if I was eavesdropping or something, and said, “I’ll call you back.” He quit shortly after that…to become a farmer.
He was a very, very smart boy.
Anyway, not only did this farm eventually get busted, guard bears or no guard bears (they were probably on a pizza and dorito run, if I know stoners) but while the arresting officers were figuring out what to do with the semi-tame bears, BC bear fanciers (more than you’d think, unless you’d been to the Pumpjack on a Friday night) got themselves together to petition for the freedom of the bears, who face the death penalty for … being bears that eat whatever’s put in front of them.
Doesn't he look terrified?
They don’t appear to constitute a terrible threat to the public safety, what with chasing thrown sticks and all:
“They were tame, they just sat around watching. At one point one of the bears climbed onto the hood of a police car, sat there for a bit and then jumped off,” said Royal Canadian Mounted Police sergeant Fred Mansveld.
That said, you apparently don’t come between a bear and his favorite crop.
The strange tale of some B.C. black bears that were caught guarding a marijuana grow-op has gotten stranger, after someone stole the confiscated pot from the RCMP and tried to protect it with a stash of stolen dynamite…
On Thursday, RCMP obtained a search warrant for a nearby property in Greenwood, where they found a stash of about 10 kilograms of marijuana stolen from the lockup, including a small amount from the Christina Lake bust.
The officers also found a grenade, a loaded 12-gauge shotgun, and two loaded rifles.
Of even greater concern to police was the stash of about 19 sticks of dynamite they found rigged with homemade fuses, according to Cpl. Dan Moskaluk.
Well, that IS a matter of great concern. Everybody knows bears are slackers when it comes to safely handling explosives.
The Cthuloid Cabazon Floyd; now it all makes so much sense!
Many warnings have we uttered. Many Cassandra-like cries have we cried to the oblivious masses. Not once, not twice, nay, not even thrice have we attempted to spread the truth about these malevolent, trembling mole-rats. We have shouted from the rooftops and twittered from the back alleys yea unto an thousandtimes, but have ye listened?
The Hell ye have.
we must strike back in the daytime, while they are trapped in purses around the globe
Let me give it to you straight, people: Chihuahuas are not simply evil, snappish, inbred yap machines, they are the spawn of the Great Old Ones themselves, come to Earth to subjugate mankind.
And from the neurasthenic, snappish comments on this Gawker post, they seem largely to have succeeded.
The woman dropped off 33 chihuahuas on Wednesday and nine more on Thursday morning. One of the chihuahuas gave birth to a puppy on Thursday, bringing the total to 43. All but six of the dogs are under the age of two…
and all but two of them needed spaying/neutering, and, in true Cthulhuonic fashion, they were deeply inbred, with all the revolting mental and physical deformities that go with that unspeakable aberration. But, right, I already TOLD you they were Chihuahuas. What’s most alarming is the number of commenters to whom the same descriptors can be applied.
You rarely see Rottweiler people getting pissy about people who don’t like Rotties. When was the last time you saw some undersexed, overmedicated chainsmoker screaming at someone because that person said their Labrador was “not a dog” eh? EH? The Labrador, you see, is a dog, as is the Rottie. As are the mutts at the pound, and the surly curs of Cairo back alleys, but as are not the tiny, fanged demons known as Cthihuahuas. They have obviously infiltrated the minds of the unwary, or the weak, and seized control
Long have we known, but been unable to prove to the doubters (a situation with which this far-ahead-of-its-time-and-incidentally-overhyphenated blog is all-too-familiar). Now, finally, from a remote Antipodean outpost not terribly far from the last reported sighting of The Great Cthulhu comes photo proof:
CthiCthuaCthua KNEEL DOWN AND WORSHIP, BITCHES!!
Please! You’re trying to tell me THAT THING guards the gates of Hell???
Jesus. The world really is a smaller place than it used to be.
raincoaster 