Category Archives: Sex

and they called it puppy love

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Osmonds World!

And they called it puppy love
Oh i guess they’ll never know
how an old fart really feels
and just why I can’t let him go…

Mortifying Confession Alert: I used to steal my little sister’s Donny and Marie albums and listen to them when she was asleep, particularly the really corny tunes. But my parents figured it was probably healthier for me than sneaking out to go drinking, so they didn’t interfere.

What can I say? I had a boring youth, even for a Canadian. In fact, I had a number of boring youths…but that’s a tale for another time.

and they called it GenX love
just because I’m past my teens
tell them all
please tell them it isn’t fair
to take away my only dream

Donny! Osmond! and yes, I had that album. Well, my sister did. Wonder if she ever figured out where it went?Yes, ladies, we can still live the dreams of our youth, particularly if we take our glasses off for that nice, soft focus that makes everyone look just a little bit more like we remember. Donny Osmond is back, and raincoaster’s got him. Or at least, I’ve got this silly flash game, which is the next best thing. Compare and contrast to the Britney Spears Grab the Sex Tape game: Toss Donny a rose from the back row of the concert hall and make him fall in love with you.

Awwwwwwww.

I drive all night
to go see you
these seats are a real pain
I hope and I pray
that maybe someday
I’ll be down (I’ll be down) in the front row
once again

If he snatches your rose, you advance to the next level, which is something like a very euphemistic version of the life path of Pamela DesBarres. Also, if you go up a level he throws you a kiss and sings yet another song of the Seventies, and quite frankly, can you ever have enough of either of those?

someone help me
help me
help me please
will he catch it in his glove?
how can I
oh how can I tell him
to ignore that bitch, Courtney Love

You cannot pass up this opportunity. You cannot fool ol’ raincoaster here: she scored a part-time gig as a surveillance tech for Santa so she sees you when you’re sleeping, she knows when you’re awake, she knows when you’ve been bad or good and she sure as HELL knows you’ve still got that unrequited crush on Donald Clark Osmond, so don’t just sit there, do something about it! Don’t forget the life lessons the Osmond Family taught us: don’t end up like the two in this ancient classic. Seriously, it’s worth slogging through to level eight, just to hear him do Barry Manilow‘s immortal Mandy. Should I mention the current high scorer in this game is named Aaron? You GO girlfriend!

someone help me
help me
help me please
should I lob it up above?
how can he
oh how can he catch this?
this is not a puppy love
(this is not a puppy love)
(this is not a puppy love)
not a puppy love
(this is not a puppy love)

(oooooooh yes it is)

Donnie Osmond Pillowcase, yay! Sweet dreams. Sweeeeeeeet dreams!

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is that a banana slug in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

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pickup line algebra, yo

Here’s a charming roundup of the 30 strangest animal mating habits, courtesy of the generally neato Neatorama. Strangely, World of Warcraft-inspired pickup lines are nowhere to be found; but then, the list is limited to those species who actually do have sex.

You’ve got all the usual suspects here: your bonobos, your banana slugs, the old “exploding bee testicle” thing, but they also have a penis fencing video and a little something about snake orgies that puts some of those Zealia Bishop Yig-Mythos stories into perspective. Charming.

The annual red-garter mating balls are a big tourist attraction in Manitoba—and a source of many tales. One unsuspecting couple built a house on top of an empty snake pit one summer, only to find their property swarmed by thousands of red-sided garters returning to their traditional hibernation den in the fall. The couple quickly relocated their new house.

It is to be noted that a roundup like this often brings the realization that some humans are not all that far from those we call “beasts” if you really give it some thought.

Actually, “court” may be too strong a word: the male … basically follows her around until she gives in and lets him have her!

For those who walk on their hind legs, just a reminder: that is never going to work.

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save Britney’s sex tape!

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Britney Spears

In the realm of celebrity myths, some inspire more fervent belief than others. No-one really believes that Michael Jackson was black or human once, for instance. But a great many fans have a passionate interest and zealous, if somewhat sweaty, belief in the existence of the mythical Britney Spears/Kevin Federline sex tape.

A mythical sex tape we have covered before at the ol’ raincoaster blog.

But, good people, there’s more to the story than what we wrote there.

Far more.

Rumours surfaced that the former KFed (now known as Fed-Ex) had a copy of the tape, and was threatening to release it unless bought off with millions of dollars and custody of their two children, Tater Tot and Federletus 2.0.

That’s where you come in.

Yes, fans, the spotless reputation of your idol, Ms. Britney Spears, simple Southern gal, single mom, and salt of the Earth (or at least one of those white powders, of one of the planets, maybe Venus) depends upon you. Play this delightful flash game and catch all the sex tapes Federline can throw before they reach the paparazzi.

Play the Britney Flash game.

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The New York Media Mafia: keeping my dreams alive

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Alan Rickman, yo! Ya wouldn’t normally a-thunkit, but the New York media establishment (or counterestablishment) whatever, the New York media hegemony (how I love that word), has today played a large part in keeping my most dearest, secretest, sweetest dreams alive, contrary to their traditionally dream-shattering ways.

They told me Alan Rickman is just as charming drunk as he is sober.

And also that he has a bit of a thing for school uniforms.

Alas! I went to a hippie school, and doubt that a Guatemalan poncho, Che tee and cutoffs quite meets the standard.

Nonetheless, I am willing to try.

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dick will make you slap somebody

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And we’re not talking Cheney.

This is public access tv host Alexyss K. Tylor discussing vagina power and penis addiction with her mother.

Seriously, would YOU talk to your mother like that? If I did, my mother would take notes!

Uh, this is really, really NSFW. Duh.

Lessons learned in this episode:
(Read AFTER you watch the video!)

– If the man ain’t comin’, he gonna be goin’ somewhere else, puttin’ his penis in someone else.

– A lot of women will laugh and talk about a man if his penis is small.

– Just because a man is in love with your vagina doesn’t mean he’s in love with you.

– A lot of us get caught up on the dick.

– Dick will make you slap somebody.

– The penis is a heat-seeking missile, like a rocket. Information is encoded in it making it do what it do.

– Men launch their penis up in the vaginal canal. As a woman relaxes and breathes and sits on that penis and rock and move and rotate and find her rhythm and go up and down and back and forth and around in a circle, she starts getting her groove back.

– When the parts of penis hit them vagina walls, harmonizing and making them sing, a woman feels like she’s in church jumping and shouting.

– Dick’ll make you lose control.

Well, he will if you ask him nicely. And then you can slap him; he likes it that way.

But seriously, what kinda church does this woman go to? I think I saw an Emmanuelle movie like that once…

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