First things first: who knew the frozen tundra was absofuckingloutely roasting in the summertime? I guess 24 hours of sunlight and no clouds, ever, will do that to you.
The remedy? BOOZE POPS! I’m wondering what kind of rum I can get at the liquor store to mix into these, because the freezer I’ve got can turn a bottle of lukewarm coke into a coke slurpee in about 15 minutes.
Yeah, okay. Maybe just that one guy dance, and everybody else watch him. And here I thought hipsters couldn’t move in those skinny pants! The fact that he performs this (and you really have to give it more than 30 seconds) in what looks like the setting for the world’s seediest amateur porn only makes the whole thing more fabulous.
Now that we’ve set the mood, the guests have started to arrive. The occasion, in case you’re wondering: a joint party (no puns, I hate smelly, dull people who mumble nonstop about pizza) for the birthdays of Julian Assange and myself. And look: everyone’s sitting down to dinner.
Happy Birthday, Mister President of Wikileaks
Who else was there? Oh, all the top celebrities. And what did they talk about? Each other, of course. And if you click over the jump to the celebrity gossip roundup, you’ll be able to read the whole thing.
I guess you could say that’s looking on the bright side. Turning riots into art is a very 21st Century response.
Speaking of art, here is Lani Russworm’s amazing shot of the smoke rising from Downtown. It gives you some perspective on what this riot is doing to our city, and what kind of city it is.
Vancouver tonight. And how was YOUR evening?
I dunno if you’ve been following sports tonight, but I can’t say as it brings me much joy to be in Vangroover tonight: neither because of the loss nor because of the dumbass riots. Yes, we have Ed Hardy-wearing douchebags here, too.
Vancouver Fuck Calm
So, if you could use a Unicorn Chaser too, here are a lovely roundup of brain-soothing landscapes. Let your imagination pick one and drift away, possibly with the aid of a stiff cocktail or eight.
Manége de l'Hotel de Ville, Paris 1er, France by Gaston Bastini
Sure, t could be considered childish, and you’re just going round in circles, but the view is fabulous and the company charming and decorative.
Or if you’d like to opt out of adulthood altogether, there’s always this perennial favorite:
I only want a one way ticket
A one-way ticket will be just fine, thank you.
Treehouse of the Elder Gods
I think this is where Julian Assange and I will live once he’s paroled. If these cedars are rockin’, don’t come knockin’.
And finally, I’ll let you in on my retirement plans. Screw Florida!
Goodbye, Cruel World! Hello New, Improved World!
It’s true: I’d dump Assange in a Cair Paravel minute if Caspian would give me the time of day.
Sigh. There, feel better? Good. Now let’s read some trivia celebrity gossip links and forget all about those nasty, nasty uni-ball-having, hockey-not-playing rioting protoplasms.
What’s that they say about not frightening the horses? Now that we’ve set the mood, here is a lovely little video of Batman’s sexiest costars, including everyone from Eartha Kitt to Tallulah Bankhead. Okay, they’re really one soul in two bodies. How about everyone from Zsa Zsa Gabor to Jill St. John…oh, okay, same deelio. Lemme try again.
Well fuckit, just skip ahead to 1:29 to witness Batman having a Brady Fetish Moment.
Doesn’t that just turn your crank?
Batman gets his bat trunks in a twist
As if that weren’t enough, check out this Euro-fabulous (or is that Brazilian-fabulous) Bat Dance, 100% Prince-free!
and the sequel
But wait: there’s more! Yes, it’s Hump Day, and that means gossip links! And since this roundup took me two and a half hours, you’d better believe you’re only getting one post per blog today! Click over the jump for the extra-elaborate and extra-profane celebrity gossip for the day.