ancient fossil shark filmed off Tokyo

Frilled Shark

This female frilled shark, a tattered and battered yet still magnificent and intimidating remnant of an ancient and presumed extinct species, surfaced near Tokyo yesterday. Unfortunately it died within minutes of its capture by workers from the Awashima Marine Park. Over 1.6 meters in length and of apparently advanced age, the shark is presumed to have been driven to the surface from its normal habitat between 600 and 1000 meters down by the mystery illness that ultimately proved fatal.

More information on the frilled shark is available here and here.

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hey, what’re you doing to my house? pic o’ the day

Get away from my house, dude. And while you're at it, get off my lawn!

Dood, do you have any idea how long it took me to collect all those? Rifle stocks don’t grow on trees, ya know! And what’s with all the hunchbacks carrying pitchforks? I thought I told you people to get off my lawn!

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fart-proof panties

Fartypants, yoAlso excellent for birth control, as anyone who sees that you wear these horrific remedial incontinent-Grandma pants will cut (out) like the wind.

The Under-Ease pants have an in-built multi-layered, replaceable filter made of felt, charcoal and fibreglass wool.

Having recently returned from the Valley of the Shadow of Conservatism, I must take a moment to note for posterity that, no matter what the level of fine or otherwise dining one may be enjoying there, the main course is always accompanied by a hearty serving of boiled, frozen broccoli and cauliflower. Always. I believe this to be a subtle yet effective adaptation to the climate; a clever way of ensuring that Ontarians do not freeze in their sleep, as their beds will be cosily heated for hours from the pre-heated gaseous emissions resulting from the breakdown of said side-dish cruciferousness. Cruciferocity. Whatever; it’s nothing to do with Catholicism. There is obviously no market for these pants in Ontario, regardless of the religious demographics.

I’m wondering if, after a certain point of flatulence and resultant inflatuation while wearing these pants, one achieves the ability to fly, Hindenburg-style? I can just see currently-sexagenarian Richard Branson snarfing down some quick Taco Bell and attempting to set a new record for underwear-powered flight. And, of course, if this method of transportation catches on it could revolutionize the car and aerospace industries as well as meaningfully reduce global warming and cause the entire tax system to be re-evaluated. I forsee a boom in the legume and dried turkish apricot markets very soon.

Buy low, sell high.
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six-word stories

Hemingway by StraterThere are an infinite to the power of ten number of games, tricks, memes, generators, and other gizmos to give writers the well-deserved smack on the bottom or the top that they need to be really creative, including Flash Fiction. One of the best Flash Fiction sites is David B. Dale‘s, and fortunately the standard there is high enough to give some feeble hope to us skeptics. Not enough, though, to override my belief that in very few cases do these artificially confining pretences lead to actually great writing. I can think of Ramsay Campbell‘s short story, “Heading Home,” which literally could not have been done in any art form other than writing. It is the least-filmable piece ever committed to mass market paperback. There is also the great Dorothy Parker‘s perfect poem “Two-Volume Novel,”

The sun’s gone dim, and
The moon’s turned black;
For I loved him, and
He didn’t love back.

But this, six-word flash fiction, and perhaps the most restrictive of those challenges, takes inspiration from this great work of Ernest Hemingway‘s

For Sale: Baby shoes, never worn.

How much daring must a human being have to go up against competition like this, or even to exist in the same sphere? Hemingway himself said it was his best work, and he was no slouch in the work or opinion departments, for all his boozing.

This is the roundup that Wired magazine collected from some of the top SciFi writers today(stolen from Wil Wheaton), and I must say that, however neat the idea, this is one sad sack of sentences. While some of them would make a good first line for a conventional novel

Kirby had never eaten toes before.
Kevin Smith

most of them are rather laurel-resty

Don’t marry her. Buy a house.
Stephen R. Donaldson

Hearteningly, a scant handful actually live up to the challenge and do justice to the reputations of the writers. It lights a fire in my soul and the souls of all good readers and writers when we see good or great writers writing this well:

It’s behind you! Hurry before it
Rockne S. O’Bannon

Longed for him. Got him. Shit.
Margaret Atwood

Machine. Unexpectedly, I’d invented a time
Alan Moore

And here, to leave you with our ambiguously depressing thought for the day, is Hemingway’s Nobel Prize acceptance speech, as read at the banquet by the American ambassador to Sweden. At two minutes and ten seconds, it is in its own right Flash Speechifying, but nonetheless eternal for that. If the player doesn’t work for you the text over the jump, and here is a Realplayer version of Hemingway himself reading it; if any of you can convert that horrific medium to an MP3 I would be much obliged.


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God hates a fag, but Andrew Sullivan loves Donnie Davies

The very reverend Mr. Donnie Davies has posted a new video at YouTube in response to all the controversy over his church, Love God’s Way, their CHOPS program for de-gaying people, his band, Evening Service, and their original song The Bible Says whose video was censored by the Tube. (backstory here and once fallen, now arisen video here)

Let’s go to the Tubes for a look at some quotes, shall we?

“…thank you so much, Andrew Sullivan, for getting behind me…
…I’ve lost 120 lbs. I was born with a thyriod disorder, my whole family has it, it’s a genetic disorder, and sometimes I try so hard to control those urges, but I just can’t. I was born this way. But people still want to lampoon me about it and I think that is a terrible, ugly way to live…”

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