- China Gets Real
stolen from Valleywag where, surprisingly, it was not posted by Comrade Jackson
Category Archives: Work
the Blogosphere works in mysterious ways
Operation Global Media Domination
Indeed, no sooner had I cried to the heavens with wailing and the rending of garments (well, they were slightly torn already, but surely that counts? Like, God wouldn’t be picky about placement in linear time, would he? Ya think a deity doesn’t have better things to do than fart around with continuity details? Puh-leez!) about the loss of my paid gig than the clouds parted (probably accompanied by the Red Sea, but I can’t tell from here…anybody got Google Earth?) the angels sang (NIN’s Year Zero
It’s a scary, only-virtually hedonistic place in there, Gizmodo: the kind of Xanadu that a Zeta Male imagines is heaven…imagines from the comfort of a Barcalounger in his mom’s basement. IE his mom’s basement, but with more stuff!
Anyway, I lost a job and, true to form, I whined. I mean, if I hadn’t whined you’d have had grounds to send in a missing person’s report, as I’d obviously have been abducted and replaced with some sort of replicant. Some pray, I whine. What can I say? The payout rate is better when I do it my way.
Fun blogging to re-commence in 24 minus n hours!
Which reminds me: for some reason I thought there was an underwear hook on this post…if it re-occurs to me, I’ll make an underwear-related post to explain. Gawd knows what it was, only it had something to do with doctors and Amy Winehouse.
the terrible, no good, shitty, completely fucked-up day
It was a beautiful Sunday. Not a drop of rain, just enough sun to burn off the moisture from the Seawall, leaving it perfect for skating. A slight sea breeze, keeping it cool enough to be enjoyable and Chinatown fresh enough not to attract too damn many screaming shithawks. My chores were done, my work was done, and I was free.
I checked my email.
Suddenly, it was no longer a perfect Sunday. It was a deeply, irrevocably flawed Sunday.
It was the Sunday on which I found out that the contract which makes up 40% of my income had vanished, Poof, into thin air. The company just stopped paying their bills, it seems. The company for whom I’m subcontracting is going to pay me for my work to this point, but not beyond, so suddenly I find myself with a considerable amount of free time and a considerable hole looming in my bank account.
Naturally, I self-medicated in an entirely irrational fashion. I figure if the universe can be irrational to me, I can be irrational right back. I went on what someone on a budget as tight as mine would call a bender: I went to the Ovaltine for a house burger and diet Coke, $7, then I took myself down to the A&N boutique where I bought two new, lacy bras for $4.98 apiece and three summer tees at 3 for $9.99, and then I went for a long walk down Robson where I saw many, many shoes I now cannot afford and even walked right past the 40% off sale at the Gap without so much as going in or even pining much, and then I went to Dix and bought myself an IPA and a Red Truck Ale and a very nice man heard me out and bought me a conciliatory Red Truck as well, although believe me, when I’m on a vegan diet it doesn’t take much to get me quite entertainingly loopy and I was, and then we talked about El Alamein and Monte Cassino and Ypres and many similarly cheerful topics dating from before we were both born.
And then I came home, thought about working out, thought ah, fuckit tonight because, really, how often can anyone, even me, have a day like this, and decided to work my aggro out watching V for Vendetta yet again. If I’m still aggro-acious in a few hours, I’ll suck down a coffee and go out for a run.
Anybody need a blogger?
Good Ideas vs Bad Ideas
Good Idea: rollerblading down to the office to pay your dues to the Federation of BC Writers for which you are the new Lower Mainland rep. Gets your dues paid and your workout done at the same time, plus bonus tanning time you don’t have to feel guilty about because you were, hello? productive.
Bad Idea: having two honey lagers at White Spot before attempting to rollerblade home.
Nuff said.
The Solution for the Zeta Male Dilemma
Or is that “The Dilemma of Zetality?” Something like that, for sure.
Yes, here via SondraKiStanUSA and AgentBedhead comes the solution for the heartbreaking loneliness that is the sad fate of millions of loveless basement-dwelling males.
The girls are real. The relationship is not. When your time is up you can break up with her for whatever reason you decide, and she’ll write you a final letter begging you to take her back. Our service is easy-to-use, lots of fun, and discreet. The privacy of our customers and Imaginary Girlfriends is always protected.
And check out some of the profiles:
Jennifer
read more
Age 20
From London, England
“Our long-distance relationship will seem completely believable… the fact that it isn’t real will be our little secret! ”Imaginary Girlfriend Service:
Personalized Letters
So much cheaper than the real thing! And you never have to leave Mom’s basement. Unlike an icky old RealDoll, there’s never any suspicious-looking packaging involved, nor any sticky surfaces to clean!
Except the underside of the desk, of course.
Oh, wait! They’re hiring! I think I sense an opportunity!
Writers wanted:
5PM Interactive and ImaginaryGirlfriends.com are seeking creative, fun-loving women to join us! If you’re over 18, love to write and welcome the opportunity to earn extra cash, consider joining our site as an Imaginary Girlfriend. ..
We’re looking for someone who can provide an authentic long-distance girlfriend experience with a minimum of actual interaction. [awesome; this is exactly what I always look for in a relationship!] … Of course no actual romantic relationships are involved and you will never be encouraged to be a real life girlfriend in any situation.
Seriously, this sounds like TOTALLY MY THING. I’ve been a real girlfriend, and frankly there are roles in this world which suit me better, if you must know. Like accountant.
If you turn your nose up at the very idea of a virtual girlfriend, think for a moment what happens when one of these prime specimens lumbers out of his subterranian den in search of a mate.
How a Nerd Picks Up a Girl (or if I’m any judge, how he fails to do so) from Coffee&Biscuits is a list of pickup lines going around Facebook. Now you know why I’m not Facebookish.
Some samples:
- How about I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU?
- Nice set of floppies!
- The volume of a generalized cylinder has been known for thousands of years, but you won’t know the volume of mine until tonight.
and the probably WordPress-specific:
- You had me at “Hello World”
raincoaster 