Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you this amazing Hinterland’s Who’s Who guide to Barbaro messageboard fans. It’s from the Philadelphia Weekly, who should immediately give D-Mac a raise, and gotten at via Bridlepath.

Oh, I know what you’re thinking: but raincoaster, I’m not a horsefan; but raincoaster, I don’t care about horse fans; I don’t want to learn about online animal adoration forums; I came here for beaver shots. But read on, O Skeptical Reader, read on!  Remember always that God makes us become what it is that we profess to despise, for lo, he is a twisty bastard, yeh.

As a taxonomy of fandom archetypes, this is near-perfect. Here we have all of the typical pathologies, their sordid lumps lurking barely disguised under the thin cover of a My Little Pony Barbaro Special Edition quilt. Oh, the clowns wear their happy and their sad faces with scarlet grins and glitter-drawn teardrops and many, many animated gifs, but still they hobble a well-beaten track and lunge in circles, spinning slowly in the soundless depths of cyberspace.

Behold fandom revealed.

Pray for us. Poor Tom’s a-cold!

• Anthropomorphic Barbaroites: These posters believe in a Barbaro that can not only read letters on an Internet messageboard, but also that he can read them from beyond the grave. Also called Mr. Edsters, these posters usually write up extended letters addressed directly to Barbaro, thanking him for everything he taught them and telling him to stay strong.

Example:

Dear Barbaro:There are so many tears flowing today from all of your FOB’s. We have to remember that even though we are sad, you are free from pain, beautiful and perfect as you should be. There are no more casts, bandages, or special shoes. God and Dr R have finally healed you completely.

I watched the news conference about you today. Everyone (Mom, Dad and Dr R) were so sad when they talked about saying Good Bye to you today. We’re all so glad they had some time to say their special goodbyes. You know they love you very much.

Your FOB’s and BarbaroManiacs are also sad today. But, you taught us all how to live life to the fullest (enjoy treats and special friends) and face adversity head on. We won’t let you down. When we can pick ourselves up tomorrow or the next day, we will join together to further track safety and end horse slaughter in honor of your name and undying spirit.

• People With The Last Name Barbaro: These people have the last name Barbaro. They may also fall into other categories.

Example (this person is also a Poet Laureate):

Do not stand at my grave and weep;I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn’s rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there, I did not die.
I am BARBARO…
Be Free Brave Colt…Be Free…
Native American Prayer

Posted by: Laurie A. Barbaro at January 29, 2007 10:50 PM

• Long Timers, First Timers: These are people who claim to have been visiting the Barbaro messageboard since he was injured in the Preakness in May, but are just posting now, after his death. They are pejoratively called Unbelievers by some, since they did not register their love of Barbaro on the site until after he was dead…

• Blarbaro Blovers: These are black people that like Barbaro. (And here is the referent.)…

• Children of Barbaro: These people believe Barbaro was put here on this earth “for a reason.” Some go even far enough to say he’s a prophet from Jesus himself, or he is a human being — or an “old soul” — reincarnated in a horse’s body. There has been little talk of Barbaro rising on the third day, but wait until tomorrow.

Example:

I do think that on some level Barbaro did know, in his animal way, what he was about. I think he is an old soul who came here for a reason to help other animals especially horses. He did his job and now he’s off to other matters. An evolved soul in a horse’s body. We responded to that, we “got” it, that this wasn’t just a horse. We joined him in his mission, now he’s gone and we can carry it through to finality.

Here is an excerpt of Fare Thee Well by Indigo Girls:
[Snip. You can thank me later. —ed.]

• People Who Write Fan Fiction About Barbaro’s Death: There’s only one person in this group, but she deserves her own entry. Harriette Brillianthawk, from Lexington, wrote fan fiction about Barbaro’s death.

[ed. note: snipped to spare you. Seriously, you owe me]

• Barbaro Himself: One person, Cheryl Jones, writes in the voice of Barbaro. Many posters are very happy with her writing as Barbaro. Jones assumes that although the horse has acquired a human brain and the ability to think and talk, his lack of opposable thumbs make it rather hard for him to type. He also doesn’t have spellcheck.

Example (this elicited several responses saying it made people cry):

hay its me im in hevvin now its beyoooooooooootiful i can seee yuo lissen for me ill see yuo agin love eech uthur be nise to eech uthur save horsssesss say prayers thankyew for lovin me so muchlove bArbaro

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