I knew I was doing something wrong.
See, this is why you shouldn’t mess with Canadians. Because not only did we popularize the concept of brutality in team sports (there’s no “I” in “ICU!” Oh, wait…Canadians say “I” will put “U” in intensive care, “C?”) but our motivational speakers don’t natter on about lathering your positive vibes over the pectorals of the Universe or scattering the rose petals of your dreams on the cosmic winds. They just straight-out tell you what to do when you feel like shit.
Canucks do not mess around. If we’d had momo during the War of 1812, our Foreign Minister and his biker chick would be enduring CSIS‘s interrogations from their private quarters in the White House.
Or is that “The Dilemma of Zetality?” Something like that, for sure.
Yes, here via SondraKiStanUSA and AgentBedhead comes the solution for the heartbreaking loneliness that is the sad fate of millions of loveless basement-dwelling males.
The girls are real. The relationship is not. When your time is up you can break up with her for whatever reason you decide, and she’ll write you a final letter begging you to take her back. Our service is easy-to-use, lots of fun, and discreet. The privacy of our customers and Imaginary Girlfriends is always protected.
And check out some of the profiles:
Jennifer
read more
Age 20
From London, England
“Our long-distance relationship will seem completely believable… the fact that it isn’t real will be our little secret! ”Imaginary Girlfriend Service:
Personalized Letters
So much cheaper than the real thing! And you never have to leave Mom’s basement. Unlike an icky old RealDoll, there’s never any suspicious-looking packaging involved, nor any sticky surfaces to clean!
Except the underside of the desk, of course.
Oh, wait! They’re hiring! I think I sense an opportunity!
Writers wanted:
5PM Interactive and ImaginaryGirlfriends.com are seeking creative, fun-loving women to join us! If you’re over 18, love to write and welcome the opportunity to earn extra cash, consider joining our site as an Imaginary Girlfriend. ..
We’re looking for someone who can provide an authentic long-distance girlfriend experience with a minimum of actual interaction. [awesome; this is exactly what I always look for in a relationship!] … Of course no actual romantic relationships are involved and you will never be encouraged to be a real life girlfriend in any situation.
Seriously, this sounds like TOTALLY MY THING. I’ve been a real girlfriend, and frankly there are roles in this world which suit me better, if you must know. Like accountant.
If you turn your nose up at the very idea of a virtual girlfriend, think for a moment what happens when one of these prime specimens lumbers out of his subterranian den in search of a mate.
How a Nerd Picks Up a Girl (or if I’m any judge, how he fails to do so) from Coffee&Biscuits is a list of pickup lines going around Facebook. Now you know why I’m not Facebookish.
Some samples:
and the probably WordPress-specific:
Is this the greatest infomercial teaser of all time? Yes; yes, it may well be.
His name is takeittothebank and his game is putting the “ass” in “class.”
Have you ever wondered how the other half lives? Wonder no more. It lives like ME. Every morning I eat caviar even though I do not like caviar!!! Would I do this if I were not RICH!?!?! The fillings in my teeth are gold. Are the fillings in your teeth gold!?!? They are not. The caviar I do not want for breakfast I feed to my cat. What does your cat eat!?!? Cat food?!?! I pity your cat. Mine is the world you live in when you are RICH!!! CARS!!! WOMEN!!! STATUES!!! CAVIAR!!! Perhaps you are beginning to understand. If so, I welcome you. HELLO!!! Now let me ask you this: Do you know the pleasure of owning a tie made of genuine SILK!!! I do!!! Now let me ask you this: would I call myself “THE BANK” if I did not have lots of money? I would not. That would be ridiculous!!! But I am not ridiculous. I am RICH!!! I will ask you one last time: DO YOU DOUBT I AM RICH!?!?!
This is like Donald Trump‘s long-lost Desi twin.
From the whoreanus outfit and grooming to the chubby, inert harem, to the amateur porn-worthy direction, not to mention the maniacal, self-deluded laugh, this could well be the greatest, most inspirational infomercial of all time, greater than the great Aleksey Vayner’s Impossible Is Nothing, even if it ISN’T an infomercial. It appears to be a YouTube channel. I wonder why he hasn’t signed on in a year…must be out being rich somewhere, right? Monte Carlo? Goa? Paris? Dubai?
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
raincoaster 