Forum Follies: I CAN’T HEER U!

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People sometimes ask me why I spend so much time answering questions in the WordPress.com technical support forums.

For the lulz, people. For the lulz.

  1. I SELL VIVID ICU MEDICAL FICTION.
    I WANT MISSPELLED NAMES OF OTHER MEDICAL SITES TO BE REDIRECTED TO MY SITE.
    HEY, THEY MIGHT BUY MY BOOK.
    HOW DO I DO THIS?
    I OWN DOMAIN MAPPING FOR MY SITE LUNGLORD.COM.
    AS FOR YOUR HELP- MUCH APPRECIATED.
    BUT BE SPECIFIC. ONE TWO THREE FOUR.
    I AM A WRITER NOT COMPUTER CLEVER.

    HELP ME OF WORDPRESS SAGES YOU’RE MY ONLY HOPE.

    LUNGLORD

  2. Please stop posting all in capitals – it’s making my ears hurt.

  3. Aaaaaagh! Stop SHOUTING! No need for the capitals, we’re not all blind as bats.

  4. THEY DONT CALL HIM THE LUNG LORD FOR NOTHING YOU NOW

  5. EH? SPEAK UP! :)

  6. IS YOUR BOOK IN ALL CAPS TOO? IN COMIC SANS?

  7. When someone in cyberspace is TYPING AN ENTIRE SENTENCE OR PARAGRAPH IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS, that person is SHOUTING. It is not proper netiquette to TYPE IN ALL CAPS and it makes whatever you typed very difficult for others to read.

  8. WHAT???

    And you would just have to find out by looking at popular websites. that’s the only way.

  9. thank you al fur the same crticsm- that n my haste I just typed nd ntered wen i should hve throughly and prrecisely proofed mi text furst for errorrrs beford subbmiting. Hooever isn charge canned delete this quession fur my grate offinse to protocol. tank you all for c ing past the superficiality of my hummble errrorr and helping mee. It is guud to know peeepole thgat though they correct u they also go a head and help you two.

  10. It only works as parody if we have reason to believe it’s not your house style.

TG to the IF!

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Friday

So, you know what today is, right?

Today was particularly “Friday” if you know what I mean. Really, you’d think by this time I’d know that if I don’t have time to talk to editors, I should just get off the damn internet, because you can hardly just hang up on them or refuse to answer once they know you’re online. If it means you don’t sleep, that’s what it means.

And if, like me, you didn’t sleep (except during workshops at a conference you paid good money for) then you’ll need this, for energy.

A Jackson 5/Beatles mashup to bring some energy back into your life.

TwitPic of the Day: Enter the Dragon

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Er, so to speak, you understand. So to speak.

BoJo: Enter the Dragon

BoJo: Enter the Dragon

via Azahar

Now that’s a physical specimen to put the fear of god into Ryan Reynolds, eh? How majestic, how magnificent. How much energy went into getting this body in motion? The mind: it boggleth.

Never change, Boris. Never change.

Unboxing FruzsE

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FruzsE at Roflcon

FruzsE at Roflcon

https://twitter.com/#!/FruzsE/status/198636786036117504

It’s a tough job, but somebody’s got to do it.

That somebody is my co-worker (for the second time: the first was at the long-lost and oft-lamented True/Slant. We’re both chicks, so when it got sold to Forbes they let us go, but HEY NO HARD FEELINGS. The layoff notice addressed to “Dear Contributor” was a classy touch, I thought) Fruzsina Eördögh, and she is reporting from deep in the heart of ROFLcon for the DailyDot, along with a full third of the masthead.

I’m not. But it’s fine.

This is what conference journalism looks like from the trenches. If you’ve ever read Hunter S. Thompson I know these scenes will not frighten you, but they will shock you with just how far things have gone since HST was conference-going himself. You. Have. Been. Warned.

And here I am stuck at home. No open bar. No ROFLs. Not even a deflated Whoopie Cushion.

But it’s fine. It’s okay. I’ve still got my poetry.

IAMBIC Pentameter REPRESENT!

IAMBIC Pentameter REPRESENT!

Aquatic Dragon Sighted!

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Aquatic Dragon off the coast of Victoria

Aquatic Dragon off the coast of Victoria

What a day for nature lovers! Classic Rock radio 101 has reported the sighting of a rare Aquatic Dragon off the coast of Victoria, BC! Praise Cthulhu, we thought they had been hunted to extinction, along with their distant cousins, the Pacific Tree Octopus. This amazing creature, nearly 100m from its savagely curved beak to its tippiest tentacle, once blotted out the skies in its annual migrations from the Arctic plateaus to a still-undiscovered location somewhere in the South Pacific. Such were its numbers, and its fierce fighting ability, that it seemed unthinkable the species could ever be threatened.

That was, of course, before the advent of aircraft. Their soft, boneless bodies proved no match for slashing propellers and insatiable jet intakes, and for a generation or more the skies were greasy with carnage. You think you know how calamari was invented? Let me tell you, it was the act of a hardscrabble wartime population desperate for protein of any kind. When the planes flew overhead, housewives would run into the streets with buckets to catch the crudely hacked pieces of Aquatic Dragon that fell in a slimy torrent from the skies.

And soon, all too soon, it was all over.

WWII had done irreparable damage to the breeding population, and it is believed that nuclear tests in the South Pacific may have destroyed their traditional wintering grounds, leaving them with an unsustainable, nomadic, and doomed few survivors. This latest discovery is heartening in the extreme, for this juvenile specimen attests to the atavistic survival of at least two healthy Aquatic Dragons somewhere off the coast of Vancouver Island. My old alma mater, Miskatonic University, is gathering specialists in marine biology and herpetology to undertake an expedition in search of the creatures.

Hey, what could go wrong?