Christmas on Acid, revisited

A Christmas classic which gets heavy airplay around the ol’ raincoaster blog is that beloved oldie, Christmas on Acid by the Vestibules. Not only is the tune catchy and the lyrics accurate (um, from what I hear) but the video is a winter wonderland of the wonky and weird. But don’t take my word for it: check it out for yourself:

You can find the lyrics here.

Indeed, as I said in my old post, the only thing it’s missing is an outtake from Davey & Goliath, and has been reposted here by request (if “Why in God’s name haven’t you re-posted Christmas on Acid yet this year” is a request rather than an admonishment).

And now, may we present for the first time on this website, an authentic, original tale of Christmas Eve on Acid or At Least Giving Every Appearance of Being Under The Influence of Something Hallucinogenicish?

Well, it was the Drive. For those of you who don’t know, the Drive is Commerical Drive, or rather a section of it extending from about Venables to maybe 2nd or at a stretch Broadway, although that really IS stretching it. It has many nifty shops for artsies and hippies old and new, particularly those with a fondness for plants and produce. And yeah, they’re big on altered states there, whether you alter your consciousness by reading Sartre or by ingesting something.

obamas audACIDy of dope

The audACIDy of Dope

So my conclusion that the young man in the following story may have been under the influence of influencers is not without foundation, however shaky, particularly after the fifth eggnog. NEVER let your foundation get into the eggnog ahead of you, or you don’t know where you’ll end up.

Where he and his overcoated companion ended up one snowy Christmas Eve was directly in front of a butcher store window.

Now, the Drive, I should explain, is the old Italian part of town, or used to be before the dirty hippies moved in. Now it’s full of old, stubborn Italians (do I repeat myself?) and dirty old hippies, dirty young hippies and a fair sprinkling of hipsters, who have begun going over the wall of their reservation along Main and infecting the rest of the city, wherever they can buy clove cigarettes and ironic tees.

Now these two? They were none of the above. One was a sturdy-looking, dark-haired (and possibly Italianate)  twentysomething in, as explained above, an overcoat. A really quite snazzy overcoat of camel, though that’s probably just a euphemism for beige, as camels are not known for cold resistance now that I think of it.

The other, our befuddled protagonist, was equally twentysomething, and clad equally in an overcoat, although this was of the navy rather than camel persuasion and now that I think of it, it probably contained no fibres that had ever served in a military capacity at all.

And he was freaked out. Deeply, deeply freaked out. Like, screaming in the street, grabbing his head and running in circles Freaked The Fuck Right Out.

He’d probably have been running in a straight line, away from The Drive and back to Kerrisdale or the West End or whatever strange land from whence he came, but Camel Coat had a hold of his naval elbow and wasn’t letting go, cooing, “it’s okay, it’s okay, it can’t hurt you,” and causing his friend to zoom around in circles like a Jack Russell on speed.

And what Merry Christmas sight had caused a hitherto passing for sober young man to lose it right there on the Drive on a snowy Christmas Eve? Only a simple, homey, Old World holiday tradition, sitting right there in the window of the old-timey Italian butcher shop. Just this: click on if you DARE!

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The Truth about the Great Crustacean War on Humanity

The Great Crustacean War on Humanity: You’d be surprised at how much material has been suppressed. Go ahead, just try and search for anything, give Cthuugle your best shot. You won’t succeed in finding much at all, and that can mean only one thing:

A COVERUP!

First, we have this valuable find: an historical document obviously written from the crustacean perspective.

lobster horror movies

What can it mean?

This, as well, from a book whose deeply sexist title translates as “To Serve Man.”

lobsters cooking up devilry

It’s obvious they’re violent and aggressive.

i can haz world domination?

i can haz werld dominashun?

There is archival footage of at least one series of attacks on human beings:

As if that weren’t enough, Gawker science correspondent Azaria Jagger reports that in the hitherto-thought-mythical Global Warming phenomenon is causing them to mutate, becoming ever larger.

In a warm dystopia many years from now, New York City will be underwater and ginormous mutant crustaceans will roam the globe…

Where will it end? It appears they’ve developed technology to artificially inflate their temperatures and thus accelerate the unnatural and loathesome swelling of their species.

paging gerard de nerval

and even adapted to life on dry land, crawling horribly with twitchings and writhings through the forest canopy, from whence to drop upon unsuspecting passers-by.

Tree Lobsters

Iä, Shub-Niggurath! Hail our crustacean overlords!

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The Global Octopus Metaphor Through History

This building is Octopied

First, there was Goldman Sachs:

The world’s most powerful investment bank is a great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity, relentlessly jamming its blood funnel into anything that smells like money.

According to Matt Taibbi, it’s also a Great American Bubble Machine, but when you’ve won as many awards as Taibbi, the editors don’t insist you stick to one measly metaphor.

But, as Gawker discovered, it’s not really specifically Goldman Sachs that’s the vampire squid: according to the former government of Germany it’s the Jews who are a stabby, stabby, oil-crazed octopus. Behold

the Jewcephalopod:

Jewcephalopod

Very few people actually know that “Jewcephalopod” is the root word for “Jewcy.” It’s true. It’s a FACT.

But this globe-straddling, stabby, oil-crazed, vampire cephalopod is also Standard Oil:

Standard Oil Octopus, Baby!

as well as Big Transit, Big Politics, The System, and (again) Standard Oil.

From this, I believe we can only conclude that, in fact, the Rockefellers are Jewish.

WhiteMan’sBourbon
07:03 PM

Then Hitler showed the drawing to Hirohito, and thus was born tentacle porn.

Dream of the Fisherman's Wife by Warren Holder

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An Eight-Tentacle Salute to Octopi

Octotuba

This dude can take eight requests at a time, and refill your inkwell!

Perhaps we should set him up with this lovely Muslim octopus:

Just Call Me Habibibibibibibibi

and now, a haiku Twitter octopus joke from Chris Twitery:

knock knock knock knock knock

knock knock knock who’s there? Not that

octopus again

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Cthulhu Collects

You think you’ve got it bad NOW? Imagine being audited by the ravening, tentacled mass of malevolent, soul-killing protoplasm which is the Great Cthulhu.

You think he’ll allow those pub crawl receipts? Do ya, punk?

Cthulhu comes to collect

Cthulhu comes to collect

via Pete Quily