Category Archives: Allegory

when chickens go bad

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Rumsfeld and a chickenLongtime fans of the ol’ raincoaster blog will recall the somewhat…epic consequences of a bad oyster. There is, presumably, no need for us to go there again, even from the comforting distance of the far end of a laparoscope. Given the devastating effect that only a small invertebrate can have, a simple act of extrapolation is all that is necessary to comprehend the potential tsunami of destruction that could result, were this principle to be extended to larger, more complex creatures.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that the nightmare is real. The nightmare, my friends, has landed.

In Connecticut.

Authorities in Connecticut are wondering who stuffed a raw roasting chicken with a pipe bomb and left it on a roadside…the Hartford Police Department’s bomb squad came and blew up the chicken.

Chickens, gentle readers, are not born suicide bombers. No indeed; most chickens have not a thought in their heads beyond scratching out a living, or passing the time of day with one another by speculating about the possible effect of gravity on the celestial dome. It is perhaps this philosophical streak which brought the bird above to her ultimate doom; she had no recorded links with either radical Islam or the IRA.

In contrast, some birds give their whole lives selflessly to ensure that human beings the world over do not go hungry. Once they’ve met the stringent criteria for joining the Colonel‘s army, these big-breasted chicks travel the world, serving populations as disparate as those of the Upper East Side and downtown Davao. But, while most famous of poultry devoted to humanity’s welfare, they are not alone.

In news the world has been waiting for since the dawn of medical science, it has just been announced that Peking Duck cures cancer and heart disease!

An extract of red yeast rice, which gives Peking duck its distinctive colour, may cut cancer deaths by two-thirds and heart disease by a third.Red yeast rice has been used in China for thousands of years as a preservative and as a herbal medicine for 1,000 years…
It is the colouring ingredient used widely in Chinese food and is found in pickled tofu, Peking duck and some types of red-coloured Japanese sake. The rice is fermented by adding a red yeast, monascus purpureus, with alcohol before removing the rice gluten.
Used medicinally, it has been known to improve blood circulation and aid digestion.
Sake too? Sake to me!

Zombie Alert in Langley!!!

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Zombies in Plain English
Did you know that zombies come from British Columbia? It’s true. It’s a fact.

It’s a well-known fact that the common-or-garden zombie is an unsophisticated creature, preferring the isolation of the countryside, farms, campsites, and small towns to the cramped confines of large metropolii. As with all species, however, urban encroachment upon their natural habitat has led to increasing pressure on the indigenous zombie population, and to increasing incidents of conflict and contact.

So it was that this past Tuesday a zombie was found wandering the semi-rural streets of Langley, a placid suburb of Greater Vancouver, a Lesser Vancouver if you will.

From the Langley Times:

WEB EXTRA: Dead man wandered from accident scene

By Natasha Jones – Langley Times – June 05, 2008

Christopher Edgar Parmiter, 37, of Surrey has been identified as the man whose body was discovered underneath a tractor-trailer unit on Industrial Avenue on Tuesday morning.

The top salesman for Chrysler in Western Canada, Parmiter may have been dead for several hours before he was found at 7:40 a.m.

According to his brother Mark Babor, Parmiter was involved in a low-speed crash involving just his car, a red 2008 Viper, in the area of Fraser Highway and the 208 Street causeway.

His car sustained only minor damage and, Babor said, an autopsy revealed no physical trauma to Parmiter’s body.

If only he had left a blog behind…we could have had some insight into his motivations. Surely, however, disorientation and brain lust must, as always, have been at the forefront. If you doubt, just realize that in life, he was the kind of man who drove a Viper. Obviously, he’d be in need of brains.

Whatever Works!

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Well, it’s practical. This has to be the cheapest method of governmental family planning assistance of which I’ve ever seen. Truly, this is brilliant.

fail-owned-pwned-pictures

a history of violence

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For those of you who’ve wondered if I ever sleep, of course I do, in the daytime. For those of you who’ve wondered how I’ve managed to survive everything that’s been thrown at me, perhaps this is a clue: I’m immortal.

Today was a lazy day for me, since I pre-posted all my paid blogging stuff for the weekend, so when someone on Gawker asked me about my past as an execution victim, I decided to type it out. Here, for what it’s worth, it is.

  • Image of raincoaster raincoaster at 03:00 AM

    I didn’t remember who did it the first time, it was early days; I got executed for being too “me-too” as in, twice in a week Gawker had posted something and I posted a “yes, and there’s this” in the comments, with a link to something related.

    It was most enlightening: people who’d been nicey-nicey to me before piled on. Little did they know…

    Then I got fished out of the graveyard by a kind intern, came back and posted. Mohney executed me again, citing a rather arbitrary “48-hour rule”.

    Then I got fished out of the graveyard again by someone who shall remain nameless.

    I got executed at Gawker again for something. Don’t remember what, actually, but probably dropping too many links to my blog.

    Not that I would ever do such a thing.

    Then Defamer brought commenter executions on and I said it was my goal to be executed by every Gawker site, so they executed me. Then came resurrection again…

    Then I posted that getting executed by every site would mean I’d have to actually GO to Kotaku and Gizmodo, so Kotaku and Gizmodo both executed me. Not sure if that counts as once or twice.

    Again, I rose on the third day.

I’m relatively sure I got executed on a different Gawker media site as well, but I can’t remember what it was. Ah, well.

If you’ve got ten or fifteen hours to kill, go to that thread and play all the YouTubes: it’s a compilation of the best movie speeches of all time, and it’s over 300 comments now, most of them pretty awesome. Here’s my contribution and for those of you who may be wondering,

YES I AM PMSING!!!!!!

ah, Ken.

Run away with me and we’ll have a hundred little Irish babies who’ll kick Hollywood’s ass.

Potholders for Pulchritude!

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In keeping with today’s tatas theme, here are the hottest potholders around! I bet you can’t wait to get your hands on these babies!

Potholders for Pulchritude

It looks like that oven is cold!

These particular knit tits were knitted out of 100% cotton and apparently modeled after Lindsay Lohan’s, if one is to judge from the colour scheme. Pattern here. All to benefit Breast Cancer Awareness.

As women, most of us are aware that we need to examine our breasts regularly. What better way to remind ourselves more often to do that than to use a dishcloth that blatantly screams, “Feel the Ta-tas!“

Hard to argue with that. Hey, you might even get some kitchen volunteers.

Maybe I should knit some…