Then how do you explain Joan Rivers?

Botox Babe

I think Joan Rivers must simply have had all the skin on her face removed and replaced with a lifelike latex substitute; that’s the only thing that accounts for the fact she can still pull any kind of an expression at all. When she relaxes, though, she does look like one of those aliens from Communion.

In one of the many, many millions of magazines I have lying around the house lies one article which puts Botox in its proper context. Just as Dominick Dunne put crime into a moral context (which is really the primary context in which those events take place) so this article, which I cannot find, by a woman whose name I cannot recall, looked at cosmetic surgery in a fundamentally meaningful, humanistic context. I do not know why this article is, as far as I can tell, alone in the world. I do not know why no-one else has examined the social and cultural impact of Botox. But I do know, it asked some very important questions.

First among those is:

What will become of a society in which women are unable to express negative emotion?

Do you remember when you were a child, and you’d watch your mother for clues as to what was going on and whether or not it was a problem? What if those clues never came? What if all you had to depend on were her words?

Botox is censorship of the body. You think you’re only banning the bad words, but like an over-aggressive spamfilter that won’t let you open the Breast Cancer Charity fundraising site, it cuts you off from things you may not realize are both negative and positive. How’d you like to discover that too late?

I can’t even imagine being a fortysomething man trying to date age-appropriate, financially secure women; there would be no clues at all in her face if you happened to say something that struck a nerve. You would never know when to back off. You would never see the vulnerability. You would, to a meaningful extent, be cut off from an important part of that woman’s basic humanity.

As would be all other people.

And what must it do to them?

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Robot Vampire vs the Four Hopping Ninjas of the Apocalypse

Hoo, baby, you don’t want to go up against the Four Hopping Ninjas of the Apocalypse! These fearsome, kangarooian warriors put even the terrible Lo Pan of Big Trouble in Little China to shame. The last time I saw these guys I was leaving the Shebeen late one night and caught the briefest glimpse before they started hopping in a circle around me, faster and faster. Soon, everything was spinning.

And then the pink elephants began to dance

An awesome scene featuring some top class fight choreography and special effects. Witness the titanic struggle of Man-Machine versus not one, not two, not even three but four evil hopping vampires!

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The Tom Cruise Scientology Constipation Video

YOU don’t know constipation cures! Tom Cruise DOES!

“I have canceled that in my area.”

That is my future t-shirt slogan.

Best. Scientology. Mashup. Evar.

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When Worlds Collide: The Pot Vending Machine

Medical Marijuana growers get into the stashIn a post sure to incite frantic giggling and mild sweating all over the blogosphere, Thrillist (via Defamer)has announced that the State of California now offers medical marijuana in vending machines available at four locations, 24 hours a day.

They open for business on Monday, will be closed by Tuesday to extract the bodies of overly-eager clients from underneath their crushing bulk.

After cinching up your doctor’s consultation, hit an AVM location to get your prescription approved, fingerprint taken, and a prepaid credit card loaded with your profile: dosage (3.5 or 7 grams, up to 1oz a week) and strain preference (choice of five, including OG Cush and Granddaddy Purple, the mildly hallucinogenic forebear to Prince). Then day or night, all you do is hit a machine and walk away with enough vacuum-sealed, plastic-encapsulated cheeba to adequately treat your illness, and guarantee your car never smells like new leather again.

No, they don’t carry the Root Beer strain.

No word on whether they carry Doritos.

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quiz: are you a hippie?

Another smart quiz. It’s uncanny how accurate these can be! Prepare to be amazed!


You are a Hippie


You are a total hippie. While you may not wear birks or smell of incense, you have the soul of a hippie.

You don’t trust authority, and you do as you please. You’re willing to take a stand, even when what you believe isn’t popular.You like to experiment with ideas, lifestyles, and different subcultures.

You always gravitate toward what’s radical and subversive. Normal, mainstream culture doesn’t really resonate with you.