A little monologue for your Tuesday. I meant to post this yesterday for alliteration’s sake, but those pesky technical issues got in the way.
Zombies in Plain English
Did you know that zombies come from British Columbia? It’s true. It’s a fact.
It’s a well-known fact that the common-or-garden zombie is an unsophisticated creature, preferring the isolation of the countryside, farms, campsites, and small towns to the cramped confines of large metropolii. As with all species, however, urban encroachment upon their natural habitat has led to increasing pressure on the indigenous zombie population, and to increasing incidents of conflict and contact.
So it was that this past Tuesday a zombie was found wandering the semi-rural streets of Langley, a placid suburb of Greater Vancouver, a Lesser Vancouver if you will.
From the Langley Times:
WEB EXTRA: Dead man wandered from accident scene
By Natasha Jones – Langley Times – June 05, 2008
Christopher Edgar Parmiter, 37, of Surrey has been identified as the man whose body was discovered underneath a tractor-trailer unit on Industrial Avenue on Tuesday morning.
The top salesman for Chrysler in Western Canada, Parmiter may have been dead for several hours before he was found at 7:40 a.m.
According to his brother Mark Babor, Parmiter was involved in a low-speed crash involving just his car, a red 2008 Viper, in the area of Fraser Highway and the 208 Street causeway.
His car sustained only minor damage and, Babor said, an autopsy revealed no physical trauma to Parmiter’s body.
If only he had left a blog behind…we could have had some insight into his motivations. Surely, however, disorientation and brain lust must, as always, have been at the forefront. If you doubt, just realize that in life, he was the kind of man who drove a Viper. Obviously, he’d be in need of brains.
Well, it’s practical. This has to be the cheapest method of governmental family planning assistance of which I’ve ever seen. Truly, this is brilliant.
For those of you who’ve wondered if I ever sleep, of course I do, in the daytime. For those of you who’ve wondered how I’ve managed to survive everything that’s been thrown at me, perhaps this is a clue: I’m immortal.
Today was a lazy day for me, since I pre-posted all my paid blogging stuff for the weekend, so when someone on Gawker asked me about my past as an execution victim, I decided to type it out. Here, for what it’s worth, it is.
I didn’t remember who did it the first time, it was early days; I got executed for being too “me-too” as in, twice in a week Gawker had posted something and I posted a “yes, and there’s this” in the comments, with a link to something related.
It was most enlightening: people who’d been nicey-nicey to me before piled on. Little did they know…
Then I got fished out of the graveyard by a kind intern, came back and posted. Mohney executed me again, citing a rather arbitrary “48-hour rule”.
Then I got fished out of the graveyard again by someone who shall remain nameless.
I got executed at Gawker again for something. Don’t remember what, actually, but probably dropping too many links to my blog.
Not that I would ever do such a thing.
Then Defamer brought commenter executions on and I said it was my goal to be executed by every Gawker site, so they executed me. Then came resurrection again…
Then I posted that getting executed by every site would mean I’d have to actually GO to Kotaku and Gizmodo, so Kotaku and Gizmodo both executed me. Not sure if that counts as once or twice.
Again, I rose on the third day.
I’m relatively sure I got executed on a different Gawker media site as well, but I can’t remember what it was. Ah, well.
If you’ve got ten or fifteen hours to kill, go to that thread and play all the YouTubes: it’s a compilation of the best movie speeches of all time, and it’s over 300 comments now, most of them pretty awesome. Here’s my contribution and for those of you who may be wondering,
YES I AM PMSING!!!!!!
ah, Ken.
Run away with me and we’ll have a hundred little Irish babies who’ll kick Hollywood’s ass.
raincoaster 