if Canada ruled the world

If Canada ruled the world

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my secret love, my secret shame

The chartIf this gets out, I’ll never be able to show my avatar around the British Empire again.

I have a secret crush, a secret shame. A secret so horrifying, so soul-shrinking, that even one as shameless as me can barely put it into pixels.

I have a crush on…no, I can’t say it.

It’s not his beliefs, should rarefied science ever detect any. It’s not his thoughts, which seem to be quite clever, if misguided and destructive. It’s not his actions, for which the record speaks for itself.

And god knows it’s not for his unearthly beauty.

I’m off to self-medicate with nonfiction and Mount Gay Rum. Wish me luck.

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worst date ever

from the Archive. This won me a nice little book prize from Two Dollar Radio, which is frankly the only glory this Vancouverite has ever gotten out of the Manhattan literary establishment, aside from the glories of Gawker commenter status.

Bad dateI should have known it was going to be a long night when he asked me if I minded going out “after rush hour, when the bus fare goes down.”

He was tall. He was handsome. He was fit. He was educated, intelligent, in law school.

He was in love with Rebecca.

How do I know this? He told me. At length.

In the restaurant, he insisted on ordering a particular dessert wine with the main course. Bewildered, I wondered if it was some new foodie fad. No, he said, it was because it was called “Sweet Rebecca,” and that was his ex-girlfriend’s name.

She dropped him. She was cruel, and sweet, and had hair like golden silk, or so I was informed. When not explaining how perfect she had been, he spent many a long, silent moment staring into the glass and murmuring “Sweet Rebecca.”

At one point he pulled out a ten-dollar bill and showed me the family resemblance to John A. MacDonald, to which I could only reply, “Yes, one of Canada’s truly great alcoholics.” It was a little too late to impress me by then. And he’d drunk most of the wine, although I could have used a Martini or four, myself.

On the way home, he borrowed bus fare; I never intended to see him again, however decorative he may have been, but at a dollar seventy-five to get rid of him it was a steal. On the long, no, endless ride home, he had one more golden memory for me. Halfway home, he slowly removed his ski gloves and proceeded, methodically, to pick his nose.

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the secret to Sparta’s success

Pride, baby, Pride (in the name of love)! via Defamer.

At first I thought so straight
I was horrified
Kept thinking I could never love
that way, or flaunt my Pride
But I spent so many fights
thinking how Persia done us wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to get it on
You got my back
You share my space
I just woke up to find you dead
and Persians all over the place
I should have killed that damn Xerxes
I would have had him on his knees
If I had thought for just one second
he’d be robbing me of thee!

Gloria Gaynor lyrics over the hjump.

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the green meanies: a scientific investigation

blue-green meanieSo for the past four days I’ve been on a rather extreme form of diet; yes me, who never goes on diets. And, in the world of diets, faddy or otherwise, it would be hard to find one more extreme than this one. You see, I am not allowed to eat food on this diet.

Let me repeat that: I am not allowed to eat food on this diet.

There is a very good reason the word “Diet” derives from the root word “Die.”

Click onward if you dare and read the entire 2007-word, heart-rending, or at least angina-producing, saga.

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