Operation Global Media Domination: the Thank God It’s Not Me edition

Total Information Awareness

Scientia est Potentia

As longtime readers of the ol’ raincoaster blog know, occasionally we take a good long look at our stats, indeed, nearly disappearing into our own fundamentals from time to time, most particularly when something has either gone spectacularly well or when it has gone spectacularly badly. We call this Operation Global Media Domination.

As you, gentle reader, are doubtless also aware, recently things have been going spectacularly badly with the exception of the unfortunately shortly-lived Cusack Effect. You may be sure that I am doing all in my power to drag my hits out of the ditch in which Automattic has thrown them (and a long, technical rant on why will doubtless be forthcoming) including appearing on podcasts, speaking at conferences (four this month: FOUR) and pimping out my blog in my linkblogging every chance I get.

It’s paying off slowly, as we’ve gone from about 650 hits a day in May up to 1100, but when Automattic made the link from the global tag pages NoFollow, they basically threw me off a cliff, or at least my hits. My graph:

I die! I DIE!!!

Is it any wonder I'm so fucking CRANKY?????

But there’s something worse than facing that graph: facing THIS graph:

Nick Denton is not a happy man

Nick Denton is not a happy man

Can you guess when the new Gawker redesign was implemented? Can you believe a man as smart as Denton has a cash bet that pageviews are going UP? Can you believe he still doesn’t see the problem?

Can you ever be thankful enough that that’s not you???

Nick Denton BOOM Winning. Just ask him.

Nick Denton BOOM Winning. Just ask him.

Dead Fairy Whoring 101

If you think that title is far-fetched, you should see some of the streetwalkers around here. Oft, and truly, has it been said, Holy Jeebus, that raincoaster can whore it out like nobody’s business! And oft am I questioned on the results thereof. And, truly, answering is good for hits so here we go again! Cat and Bunk, over in the popular Mummified Fairy Remains thread, were wondering:

  1. Posted December 7, 2008 at 8:45 pm | Permalink (Edit)

    I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone whore a post out this much. I am impressed!

  1. Posted December 7, 2008 at 10:25 pm | Permalink (Edit)

    rain– How ’bout an update on the stats for this whored out post? Maybe a screenshot of the graph? I’m willing to interpret it for Metro.

Those were actually comments number 1297 and 1298, respectively, but I’m too lazy to edit the code. Anyway, their wish is my command, so here are the stats with bonus graph for the Mummified Fairy Remains post.

Months and Years

J F M A M J J A S O N D Tot
07 717 1,537 945 3,212 3,543 3,309 5,047 3,145 5,432 26,887
08 8,962 6,641 4,548 4,638 6,998 4,228 5,063 4,516 3,223 6,569 3,703 1,293 60,382

Average per Day

J F M A M J J A S O N D Tot
07 24 50 32 104 114 110 163 105 175 98
08 289 229 147 155 226 141 163 146 107 212 123 186 177

and the graph, unfortunately, will have to wait till I figure out how to save it to a place I can use it on this machine. It’s so advanced I can hardly use the damn thing!

Operation Global Media Domination: the Banksy Situation

For as long as I can remember (which, at my age, admittedly isn’t very long, perhaps twenty minutes at a time and then I need to take my rememberer out and let it cool down for awhile) on this blog the #1 post in terms of hits, year after year, has been Britney Spears Sex Tape, which, once I realized wasn’t Britney in it at all but rather someone else who looked like Honeymoon Britney (which many people would watch happily, I’m sure, over and over, the way they close their eyes and think of The Country or The Postman or The Hot Guy In Marketing Who Wears Those European Suits) I edited the title of to read Britney Spears (?) Sex Tape but it made no difference: they still kept coming.

So to speak.

Which reminds me of the ad I saw yesterday at the Skytrain station; the first ad for an “adult recreation” product I’ve seen in a mainstream location. It was for something called Stallion, and it was unspecific to the point of complete opacity. Basically, it just said “Men, buy this stuff right now.” That’s how I figured out it was dirty.

For I am way clever, yo.

But as I was standing there, running over all the stallion references in my head (alas, I’m not in top form when I’m on Concact-C, for the only thing I could think of was Bill and Ted’s band Wyld Stallyns) I saw some fine print at the bottom of the ad, and if there’s one thing I love, it’s fine print on adult product ads. No, really.

Product contains Lidocaine.”

Topical anaesthetic. It’s the stuff I spray on my legs before waxing, to deaden the pain.


But (and not to make an abrupt transition, but whatever) now we at the ol’ raincoaster blog have encountered a phenomenon more powerful than a sloppy ersatz-Britney blowjob.

Behold the power of Banksy in Birmingham:

Banksy stats, baby!

Banksy stats, baby!

And yes, that baseline is 2,000, not zero.

another reason to control immigration

From Popbitch:

Men in England and Wales are twice as likely to die as a result of having a foreign object in their anus as they are through being struck by lightning.

Like, Italian sausage?