Monthly Archives: July 2011

A Woman, A Plan

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A Simple Plan

A Simple Plan

I haven’t been here long, and I’m finding it a HUGE adjustment (not big: HUGE, all caps, yo) so being as organized and productive as I am I decided to do One Thing Per Week, no more.

Week One: reserved for being sick. Alas, I was sick as a dog, and that being a dog that was really sick, and not to mention waking up in the middle of the night and having heart attack after heart attack seeing the light in the sky and thinking I’d slept in. I gather from work sleeping in is not such a big deal that they tell you to pack your knives and go back to the decadent, sleeping-inner, southlands from whence you came, but I’d rather not find out first-hand, if you know what I mean.

Week Two: reserved for freaking out and drinking. If you’ve ever freaked out, I don’t think I need to explain this to you. Drinking up here is different from drinking down in Vangroover; you’re much less likely to run into, say, Ryan Gosling, and much more likely to run into, say, an elder woman who tries to tell you in a language you’ve never heard before that you’re gonna get hit by a car if you don’t stop typing away on your iPod while walking down the street. And who could disagree? But it’s not exactly partying at Bar None on Raj’s tab. Speaking of which, if you’ve never done it, this is what it looks like:

Week Three: reserved for exercising and getting out of the apartment. With mixed success; in part, this was inspired by the fact that the door to work was locked on Monday and I had no other options than to toddle to the art department next door, do as much as I could on my iPhone, and then go for a stroll. Actually started the Sun Run training plan, so Go Me and all that uplifty shit. I managed to pick the least interesting road on which to run, and ended up in some Trailer Park Boys netherland that caused even DTES me to turn around and leave, lest someone try to hook me up with their Uncle Daddy.

Week Four: is reserved for regularizing the blogging schedule, which is ironic as the Manolo, my blogging boss, has suggested I take August entirely off. Oh well.

Tag, I’m It

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banksy is a little tatty

banksy is a little tatty

It’s like climbing into the Wayback Machine and hitting “Random,” doing another of these. I haven’t done a tag/meme/questionnaire like this in literally years, and became somewhat notorious for getting tagged and giving a world-weary shrug and a heartfelt, “I’m so sorry. I’ve made it a policy not to do these; I just get so many requests, you see” which, I’m sure, earned me quite a tongue-lashing once I was good and out of earshot, and truly it was no more than I deserved.

An Internet Celebrity is the servant of her commenters, after all.

But I’m pressed for time lately, I just returned from a 60 minute walk/jog and I have my link rounups to do and then have to wake up and go to work again in 7 hours, so what the hell: it’s an easy post!

Thanks(?) to TeamOyeniyi for tagging me.

Most Beautiful Post

Then vs Now: the Decline and Fall from an Equine Perspective which is a little meditation on the way in which humanity expresses itself in the way it sees animals. And the ways in which that has NOT improved since the Romantic Era.

I remember at one Northern Voice party, everyone was invited to stand up and read out their best posts. I couldn’t read my best post, because I believe there are only 17 original-to-me words in the whole thing, counting the alt text. If your best post can be read aloud and not lose anything, you’re not blogging: you’re writing radio scripts. Later, one of the organizers said I should have stood up and said that instead.

Most Popular Post

Hmmm, depends how you analyze this. The Mummified Fairy post has over two thousand comments. The Fart Tax post was named “Best of the Web” by the Guardian in January of 2007 (it wasn’t an annual award, it was just “what’s cool today” but GOD DOESN’T IT SOUND FANTASTIC?). My About Page is the most popular thing this week, for no known reason. For a long time I was #6 on Google if you searched for Beaver Shots (mother would be SO proud). Banksy Strikes Again got more hits than any other post ever in one day: 22,000.

Most Helpful Post

Helpful. “Helpful.” I’m not quite sure what this word means, but if education is helpful I guess you could say I schooled the Albanians in the comments thread here: Review O’ The Day: AA Gill on Barnes Grill.

A Post whose success surprised me

The Banksy in Birmingham post. Whodathunk something about transgressive street art would oust Britney Spears Sex Tape as the #1 post on my blog?

Most Controversial Post

Hmm, depends if you’re Albanian or not. The only two times I got requests from lawyers to take something down were a request to remove someone’s name and address in my mirror of the LA Fitness shooter’s diary, and in a post called UK News: How to Get Away With Blowing Up Three Cars in a Huge Fireball Without Being Suspected of Terrorism. Since the fireball apparently never happened, nor the explosion, and there was no point leaving an innocent man’s name up there to draw hatred and death threats, I complied with the requests to remove the name and although I didn’t remove the second post, I did update it and make a new one explaining what really happened.

A Post that Didn’t get the Attention I felt it deserved

Ekranoplan: World’s Strangest Airplane. Okay, not everyone’s into aeroporn, but this thing is AMAZING and it was kept a complete secret until the space program found this enormous, mysterious thing that moved…but it couldn’t be a plane…but it was enormous…but how? Why? How long had these things been around? How did they move? What were they FOR?

Post I’m Most Proud Of

Date with a Devil: my account of meeting serial killer Willy Pickton. I’ve come under relentless pressure not to tell this story, from all kinds of people you’d think should support me, and I’m proud not to have been silenced. I have the right to testify to what happened to me, and if you or metafilter doesn’t like it, well, no wonder you’re Forever Alone.

Tagging Five

Oh god. Virtually anyone I tag will have tagged me at some point and been turned down. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, start your Schadenfreude. I tag TedMorrison,  MomFog, NedHepburn, NecroticHijinks, and the Manolo.

When Worlds Collide!!!

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Emma Watson and Cameron Adams/Hermione Granger and Himmione Grainghim

Emma Watson and Cameron Adams/Hermione Granger and Himmione Grainghim

via Gawker

This right here? This is the streams crossing. This is the polarity reversing back on itself and swallowing its own tail. This, my friends and stalkers, is the moment for which the celebrity-internet culture was made. Even if it did mortify one of them into deleting his Twitter account (after tweeting a no-doubt-heartfelt “Awkward!“).

This is a picture of fresh-faced ingenue Emma Watson and her perky gay pornalike, Cameron Adams, who played Himmione Grainghim in the extremely NSFchirruns Whorry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Balls.

SFW no, but amusing, yes. Yes, yes, YES!

From commenter JamesFromCambridge comes this positively magical trailer.

And I’m spent! If you’re not, toddle over to that comments section on Gawker for the biggest damn roundup of filthy Potter puns this side of Repressed Housewife Fanficdom!

Or you could just click past the jump and read some more gossip, if you’ve got the endurance! Once more into the breeches!

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does that really work?

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Eskimolandia?

Eskimolandia?

A guy tried this on me the other day, but it isn’t going to work until at least November, right?

Hump Day Unicorn Chaser: Party Time!

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and to top it all off...

Ia! Ia! Baby work it! Insanely fabulous!

First things first: who knew the frozen tundra was absofuckingloutely roasting in the summertime? I guess 24 hours of sunlight and no clouds, ever, will do that to you.

The remedy? BOOZE POPS! I’m wondering what kind of rum I can get at the liquor store to mix into these, because the freezer I’ve got can turn a bottle of lukewarm coke into a coke slurpee in about 15 minutes.

Everybody dance now!

via Brosnakes

Yeah, okay. Maybe just that one guy dance, and everybody else watch him. And here I thought hipsters couldn’t move in those skinny pants! The fact that he performs this (and you really have to give it more than 30 seconds) in what looks like the setting for the world’s seediest amateur porn only makes the whole thing more fabulous.

Now that we’ve set the mood, the guests have started to arrive. The occasion, in case you’re wondering: a joint party (no puns, I hate smelly, dull people who mumble nonstop about pizza) for the birthdays of Julian Assange and myself. And look: everyone’s sitting down to dinner.

Happy Birthday, Mister President of Wikileaks

Happy Birthday, Mister President of Wikileaks

Who else was there? Oh, all the top celebrities. And what did they talk about? Each other, of course. And if you click over the jump to the celebrity gossip roundup, you’ll be able to read the whole thing.

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