Category Archives: Canada

but what about Doritos?

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Cannibis Prices

Actually, quite a lot of this surprises me. For one thing, my rather well-informed friend informs me that the price quoted for Canada is low, off by about 20% (this is for BC, and it’s logical to assume that provinces which don’t produce enough pot to have a strain named after them charge more for what they have to truck in). For another, I’m quite surprised to see that pot is cheaper in the UK than it is here OR in the Netherlands, which produces quite a lot of their pot. Where the hell are they getting it from, SCOTLAND? or is the IRA giving it to them at a discount (professional courtesy?). Also note that the price quoted for Singapore does not include the price of the bullet with which they execute you. The family pays for that, I hear.

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Let’s all hate Toronto! Wait…WHERE?

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Why, you ask…to which I reply, ever been there? Here’s the must-see movie of the year, coming soon to a theatre anywhere but Toronto.

 

From the movie’s site:

If there’s one thing that truly unites Canadians it’s our national pastime of bashing Toronto. The first film on the subject, Let’s All Hate Toronto is a hilarious tongue-in-cheek road doc. The film follows “Mister Toronto” as he embarks on a coast-to-coats Toronto Appreciation tour, encountering “recovering Torontonians” and those who would be quite happy never to step foot in TO.

Is Toronto really Torauma, Onterrible? Yes, according to a “professional Toronto hater.” And in Calgary they finally discover the answer to a question that has boggled them for ages: why do all the trees point west? (“Because Toronto sucks that much.”)

Now, this all sounds fairly straightforward, and I, of all people, am not one to dismiss something that unites all of our great, yet divided, nation (really, only laughing at Conrad Black comes anywhere near close) but there is one little problem, one teensy thing preventing me from joining in the risibling and the ridiculizing.

What is this “Toronto” of which they speak?

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Chop-Chop

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The following is, apparently, and example of something I am NOT supposed to post on my new blog. Who saw that coming?

Canadian

Decapitated kid much better now!

Hey, it takes a lot to stop a Canuck! In this case, having had his head chopped off back in July hasn’t stopped 11-year-old Ryan Ooms of Saskatoon from starting school right on time.

Ryan Ooms EMTsOoms spent just 2 1/2 weeks in a hospital where doctors fused the vertebrae and inserted titanium pins and rods. On Aug. 23, five weeks after the July 17 accident, Ooms and his family paid an unexpected visit to the firehall to thank his rescuers.”When he walked in I recognized him but there was this disbelief,” said McNair. “His recovery rate has been phenomenal.”

McNair was one of the first EMTs on the scene of the accident. He helped paramedics remove Ooms from the crushed minivan then stayed at the boy’s side in the ambulance.

Once Ooms was in the care of trauma specialists, McNair thought of the boy’s parents being told about their son.

But there was Ooms, on Aug. 23, smiling and cracking jokes and climbing on the fire trucks. The only indication of his injury was a brace hugging his wounded and tender neck, keeping it steady.

You’d better believe this kid has a patron saint (is it Nearly Headless Nick?). Yes, us Canadians are a fearsome breed, seemingly descended from the unhallowed love match of Odin and Laura Secord, with a bit of Sasquatch thrown in there for good measure. Given that decapitation has hardly slowed this Canuck down, what do you imagine it would take to stop Celine Dion?

Really, tell me. The sooner the better; I hear Mariah Carey’s offering cash.

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I was bitten by a poisonous spider

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Shelob

and it died.

Think about that the next time you try to get in my face about … anything at all.

I’m just saying.

PS: so there are black widow spiders here in Vancouver. You learn something new every day, eh?

Give me my footie pjs, put on my cat; I have
Immortal longings in me: now no more
The juice of the Okanagan‘s grape shall moist this lip:
Yare, yare, good CG; quick. Methinks I hear
Viggo call; I see him rouse himself
To praise my noble act; I hear him mock
The luck of spammers, which the gods give men
To excuse their after wrath: baby, I come:
Now to that name my courage prove my title!
I am tentacles and marabou; my other elements
I give to baser life. So; have you done?
Come then, and take the last warmth of my lips.
Farewell, kind CG; blog readers, long farewell.

What, I’m still here? Damn, now what am I gonna do with this soliloquy? I h8 anticlimax!

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Help wanted/help needed

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Britney and Paris

Are you an intellectual? Are you at least intelligent? And are you, like me, fed up with the fact that it appears to be the unconscious strategy of the mentally inferior to simply outnumber us?

Camus once said that it was the moral obligation of the intelligent to oppress the stupid, otherwise they would take over the world.

Now, this may be somewhat along the lines of the barn door/bolted horse scenario, particularly in a world where men are still willing to have sex with Britney Spears, but I have an opportunity to pass along to interested parties that will, I believe, prove attractive to that particular target group while simultaneously rendering them incapable of spawning.

Ladies and gentlemen, via defrostindoors at the relatively demure Bridlepath, we present our first ever Help Wanted ad:

Looking for a tester of a Chastity device – m4w

Reply to: pers-375384078@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-07-16, 6:35PM EDTMyself and a friend are developing a new style chastity device for woman. It does involve 7 piercing to be done. Once the piercings have healed (6 months) the chastity device will be put on.The device is small and will be made specifically for you. It is a small plate that is put over your vagina with a slit in the center for your lips to pass through. Then there will be three rods that go through your lips and one through your clitoris over top of this plate. A top plate will be secured over top of this (with hole for urination and cleaning). Once it is comfortable and with no health problems it will be secured together sealing your sex inside your new prison.

The final product will be titanium and you will not be able to get it off. There will be no keys. Sealing will be permanent.

You will still be able to wear bathing suits and it will not be noticeable under clothing, but you will never have sex again.

We can discuss financial compensation with any woman that is serious in helping us test this device but please keep in mind that you will not be able to get it off so please be serious about this before responding.

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