All hail Gawker, channelling the immortal SPY:
Note To Every Twenty-Year-Old Whose Grasp Of History Extends No Further Back Than 2004: We are not ripping off Andrew Hearst. We have a tremendous amount of respect for Andrew Hearst and always find his projects witty and humorous, but we’re sure he’d be the first to admit that the magazine cover parody did not originate with him. We are, in fact, ripping off Spy. Thank you for your attention.
Have you got your Golden Mermaid for the long weekend yet? Gawd knows, you don’t wanna run out. Those last-minute dashes to the Quickie Mart for more fresh Florida Cryptids are such a PIA!
Surely by now you should know you can meet all your life’s needs and wants on eBay! Thanks to Sploid for this Sploidariffic wish list stuffer.
MERMAID or SEA MONSTER?
While exploring desolate areas of Fort Desoto Beach at the southern end of St. Petersburg, here in Florida, I came upon a rather startling discovery. Before me lay what at first appeared to be a very large strange fish. Shocked and amazed, I realized I had found another [another???] mermaid or sea monster.
…Laying on a fresh natural bed of seaweed, this creature of the sea looks out as if still alive. What killed this mystery from the depths?
…
Looking over her gracefull body, I realized what a special creature she must had been in life. Was she the missing link between primates and fish? In time, what would evolution had shaped this creature to be?
I sat there thinking for awhile and realized I must get this mermaid back home. I could always ponder later.
…I have drilled a small hole in the back of the head so that it can be hung up on a wall for display. [bonus! My living room decor will never be the same!]
I have the right to reject any bidders for several reasons of my own choosing.
Including, perhaps, an all-too-literal-minded enslavement to petty Federal and International advertising regulations?
Y’all got me a birthday present, right?
From Gawker.
Take a hilarious trip through the Wayback Machine (I wanted one of those right up until I had a past that could catch up to me). They’ve pored over the crumbling scrolls of the Internet archives and put together a roundup of the best, and the worst, of 1996.
Suggested soundtrack: Grosse Point Blank soundtrack. Suggested accompaniments: pot, beer, and Doritos.
Suggested activity: removing all animated gifs from your website immediately. Follow up by purchasing and installing a horribly complicated graphics program that you use to redesign your site, but which will immediately date everything it touches site to within four months.
NOT suggested activity: not updating the site again until they do another of these.
There is very little I can say to rebuke this website. This is the best website I’ve ever seen. I navigated further into the world of Lego.com ’96 and on every single page I was greeted by pirates waving swords, knights riding horses, and overarchingly wizards on bicycles. This page alone has three wizards on bicycles lined up in a very majestic fashion, with an additional bonus wizard on a bicycle in the upper-right corner. In 1996, while most companies were still figuring out how to properly scan their company logo so that it didn’t look like a joke, Lego had discovered the key to web design, which is that randomly strewing little Lego men around one’s website is hilarious and engaging. If you feel like you need to cleanse your palette after seeing all the other websites featured in this article, please enjoy the following line of Lego men:
From Left to Right: Wizard on Bicycle, Wizard on Bicycle,
Wizard on Bicycle, Wizard on Bicycle, Wizard on Bicycle
Jeez, I go offline for a lousy four or five days and everybody gets a flamewar except me! Even Boris. Pooey. Phooey, even, and I mean that.
Why don’t I get cool hatemail like the Pastafarians? This one even has several people using the same name to fight one another, like someone with MPD with self-hatred issues. Far more interesting than anything on daytime tv, and yep, the lawyer references flew thick and fast.
Them Christians! They always got a lawyer handy. Mind you, if I wrote comments like that to imaginary beings, I would probably see the wisdom in having someone on retainer, too, if only a psychiatrist.
I do believe you are
I do believe you are a fucking retard and I hope you burn in hell. Fuck you and the flying spaghetti monster. Postmodernism is a self defeating concept. Read Josh McDowell’s book for a good overview of what life is truly about you dumbass humanist. You obviously think life is just a big damn joke. Its all for humor and entertainment. I look forward to the day it fucks you right in the ass. Oh the age of the earth doesn’t fucking matter! Technology, hell we’d be better of without it anyways. God is not a flying spaghetti monster because only a human could think up such a dumbass retarded idea like that. Intelligent Design is observable. It does not require faith, it requires the ability to understand what irreducible complexity is along with several other phenomena that has been discovered in Science. Evolution is a conjecture. Of course, an idiot of your brain size would probably believe we came from monkeys…and quite frankly, you are probably the best evidence that Evolutionists have that human beings came from a monkey. I’m still having problems teaching my dog 2+2=4. I hope to someday prove Darwinian philosophy and be able to have my dog recite Shakespeare to me. Then I will believe Evolution is true. Until then….its all a big damn joke. Charles Darwin went insane when he was 28 anyways (didn’t know that did you?) Let me put it this way to you concerning your bologna flying spaghetti monster. If we are created in the image of what you believe God to be, we would look like spaghetti. Common sense is a valuable asset. Lets try this…I’m going to go very sloooooowly for you Bobby. Retarded people…like Bobby Henderson….will burn in hell unless you give your life to Jesus Christ. Life is not hard. Neither is it a joke. But I believe that anybody with a brain the size of a peanut should be exposed for the fraud that the person is. Quite frankly, I do not know why I’m wasting my time…because you are probably too stupid to read this e-mail anyways. At any rate, I have better things to do than point out your circular reasoning within your arguments. You are a disgrace to anything that humanity or your stupid existentialistic philosophy represents.
Casey Powell
*update*
Unless you want to be sued, take my name off of that message. Thanks.
Casey Powell
*update 2*
Just take the whole message off of the board! I gave you no permission to
post that. I want it off, or I will contact my lawyer. And that is not a
joke.Casey Powell
*note from Bobby * – I’m not going to take your name off the message. However, I will henceforth refer to you as either C. Powell or Casey P. so that you remain anonymous. Additionally, I’ll include your email address here, in case anyone needs to get in touch with you. *
The updates continue through #7, FYI.
So why am I posting that, legal threats and email and all? Because I want to siphon off some of this red-hot lava and reap the toasty, litigious benefits for Operation Global Media Domination on the ol’ raincoaster blog, that’s why.
Nobody’s threatened me in days! True, I did get mentioned in connection to a Plagiarist of the Year contest, but it was more in reference to me being ripped off than me ripping anyone off: I’m not eligible to win anything except smug satisfaction, and as everyone knows, I already have plenty of that.
A refresher, for anyone who is unacquainted with Pastafarianism and the Flying Spaghetti Monster and is unable to access Wikipedia because he or she is living in, say, Riyadh or, no, that won’t work, a world of his own imagination (yeah, that’ll work; that or his parents’ basement and he doesn’t want them to catch him online past his bedtime), Pastafarianism is the religion founded by a man who noticed that Creationists were using the law to force “equal time” teaching of their theory. He decided, with a self-reliance which would warm the cockles of L.Ron’s heart, if he weren’t dead, that he’d create a cockamamie religious theory and force that into the courts as well, perhaps (in)advertently showing the arbitrary and illogical nature of the Creationists‘ argument for equal time in the first place.
But it’s not like there’s no video.
You show me the Jesus YouTube; then we’ll talk.
, is all.
raincoaster 