As I’m waaaaay over on the West End lately, taking a course, I’m often stuck using public computers during the daytime, as it is too far for me to walk home and back on my lunch hour and between appointments where the government dicks me around, and yea verily, I am very tired of taking the limo.

There is a problem with public computers, however.

The public. 

If they could just use the computer without poking the monitor with a greasy finger, presumably to stabilize themselves, while making “huh-huh” Beavis and Butthead noises, perhaps I could continue to use the computers which the government has, after all, put there for the citizenry such as myself to use.

Seriously, though: the next time someone repeatedly mutters to himself while seated next to me at a public computer station, I will rip out his tongue, tie it around his neck, pull his eyes out and tuck his dangling optic nerves under the tongue/cravat which I have fashioned, I will pop the eyeballs one by one into my mouth and swallow them whole, praying that they are still somehow transmitting messages to his brain as they slowly dissolve in the cauldron of sulphuric acid to which I have sent them, and then I will suggest that he request that the Ministry provide him with a specially-equipped custom laptop for his own personal use, as he qualifies for one now that he is disabled.

He’ll thank me later. And so will you, if you ever have to surf these terminals of despair. Just keep your mouth shut if you know what’s good for you.

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