Phunk Rock Gods: the Osmonds

No, not kidding (also not dead or arrested, contrary to malicious rumour; just taking the weekend off in a kind of experiment. I have a friend who sends out a suicide note email every two or three years just to see who’ll call…she always seems to do this on a weekend I don’t check email, actually).

You may recall that the Osmonds can, indeed, rock hard when they want to (cf the apocalyptic anthem Crazy Horses), but did you know they could dress up in pimp gear and rip out a good old-fashioned barbershop quintet/funkadelic tune when they felt like it? One needs, one does, to expand one’s understanding of Mormonism (particularly if this is the first one’s heard about Marie’s divorce and finding her kids advertising for sex on MySpace and no, I won’t give you their contact details).

Behold:

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suicide girls…and boys…and women…and men

Suicide Girls logoNormally, this is the kind of thing you check out at Snopes before posting: a roundup of allegedly authentic suicide notes. But because this comes from The Well, and from Art Kleiner, I’m going to give it the nod for straight posting. If he’s really been duped by a scheming, frustrated novelist of a coroner, that in itself is post-worthy, and besides, these are fascinating to read.

Suicide Notes

These suicide notes were gathered at the coroners’ offices by a suicidologist/psychiatrist who asked to be anonymous. He edited identifying details out of the compiled manuscript, and we changed the names. But the text of each letter plus the age and sex given are real. All these people did kill themselves. Were they ambivalent about it? About half the hundred or so letters we saw seemed to have some element of doubt.(There’s a strange story in computer folklore about a suicide note that appeared late one night on the Arpanet computer network. The other people on the network had regularly corresponded with the mean, but always under the name of his lab not his own name. When the message saying he was killing himself flashed on the screen they tried to call the police, but nobody could identify him, and he died.) — Art Kleiner

Single female, age 21

My dearest Andrew,

It seems as if I have been spending all my life apologizing to you for things that happened whether they were my fault or not.

I am enclosing your pin because I want you to think of what you took from me every time you see it.

I don’t want you to think I would kill myself over you because you’re not worth any emotion at all. It is what you cost me that hurts and nothing can replace it…

Married male, age 74

What is a few short years to live in hell. That is all I get around here.

No more I will pay the bills.

No more I will drive the car.

No more I will wash, iron & mend any clothes.

No more I will have to eat the leftover articles that was cooked the day before.

This is no way to live.

Either is it any way to die.

Her grub I can not eat.

At night I can not sleep.

I married the wrong nag-nag-nag and I lost my life.

W.S.

to the undertaker

We have got plenty money to give me a decent burial. Don’t let my wife kid you by saying she has not got any money.

Give this note to the cops.

read the rest

Give me liberty or give me death.

W.S….

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flashlights of the deep: The Giant Squid hunts with headlights!

Al Beeb's images of the squid flasher! 

A ten-tentacle salute to Juvenal for the tip. The BBC has obtained video and still photos of a beautiful Taningia danae attacking its prey. Its balletic movements are surprising in such a large creature, and its speed really rather frightening. 2.5meters per second is 150 meters per minute, which is really quite a lot faster than I can swim, which is why I and all sensible people like boats so very much. Also, they like to circle their prey like cats circle their beds before pouncing, presumably just to freak it out a bit or something. And, much like kangaroo and deer hunters of our upper world, they know that a powerful headlight is a hunter’s best friend.

Jack Sparrow got off easy!

Alas, the video is uncapturable so you’ll have to watch it on the site, or watch this pretty Vampire Squid light show instead.

…the intense pulses of light that accompanied the ferocious attacks surprised the research team.

Dr Tsunemi Kubodera from the National Science Museum in Tokyo, who led the research, told the BBC News website: “No-one had ever seen such bioluminescence behaviour during hunting of deep-sea large squid.”

The footage reveals the creatures emitting short flashes from light-producing organs, called photophores, on their arms.

Writing in Proceedings of the Royal Society B, the team said: “[The bioluminescence] might act as a blinding flash for prey.”

The light would disorientate [sic!!!! asshole semiliterate BBC writers!!!] the squid’s intended prey, disrupting their defences, they added.

It could also act, the scientists commented, “as a means of illumination and measuring target distance in an otherwise dark environment.”

And, say the scientists, presumably assist the squid to find a mate in the dark depths of the ocean. God knows when you’re on the prowl, the right lighting is crucial: just ask the Gabor Sisters! Or, come to think of it, any common or garden flasher.

Also useful for telling ghost stories to the calamari piccolo.

Ghost Cthulhu Pirate!

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the perfect religion!

 Theological potholes ahead, check your shocks!

In a primarily Relativist culture, we are often faced with the difficulty of acknowledging and expressing the equality of all faiths, no matter how loopy, unproductive or just plain unfashionable they may be. This service, by the Frantics, has finally answered the great question which lies at the heart of all religions:

in an imperfect world where the message of the divine is often difficult for us to hear,
just exactly how do we completely cover our asses?

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Donnie Davies confronts Joey Oglesby: what MTV doesn’t want you to see!

Headbutts by angry gay midget tag teams? HeteroFuel supplements? Ladies and gentlemen, this has gone too far.

Here is the raw video of Donnie Davies’ appearance on MTV and the confrontation with Joey Oglesby, the rumoured imposter. It includes shocking footage the network has tried to suppress.

At the time of this post, there had been only four views of this video; don’t let this go the way of God Hates a Fag. Paste it in your blogs, in your websites, play it in your iPods and on your campus television stations. UPDATE: Ooopsie, too late. UPDATED UPDATE: It’s back for the moment, and re-installed.

Watch this video of Todd Quillen defending himself against charges he’s Donnie Davies instead:

and this video investigation by some Web mythbusters, which includes the shocking footage of Joey Oglesby from the video which has been removed.

And for those of you who say I’m taking this too seriously, you need to back off; I was born this way, I can’t help myself sometimes.

We all just need to back up Donnie Davies and lend him a hand.

Fruity!

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