Best Facebook Thread Ever in history
Thanks, Archie, for the image!
and for those of you who prefer text: (I have the feeling this will go around the internet a couple of times)
Best. Facebook. Thread. Ever.
Category Archives: sad
Goats eh?
Know Your Goat, just, you know, not in THAT WAY
This is a totally, completely, utterly gross story and you will love it. You will curl into the fetal position and cup your hands protectively over your bits, but you will like this story.
It’s a true story. For once. It comes from my mother, who was in charge of medical records at the King Fahd Hospital in Riyadh in the 80’s.
Saudi males who are not married are not supposed to notice they have penises. Seriously, they’re supposed to just pretend it doesn’t exist. So when a Saudi male who was not married was admitted the the hospital where my mother worked and the diagnosis was “ruptured penis” naturally all the typists in medical records were DYING to know how it happened. They were all Westerners and somewhat starved for scandalous sex gossip of this type, or even the sight of a penis, if only in their minds’s eyes.
What made it even more bizarre and in-your-face was, the doctors told him he needed some exercise and so every day he would get out of his room and go for a s…l…o…w… walk up the hallway. Down the hallway. Up the hallway. Down the hallway. With a determined look on his face and his legs bowed as if he were riding a Percheron.
My mother was not a shy woman. She was not what you could ever have called retiring. Or bashful.
So, one day she saw the doctor in charge of that patient in the hallway and walked up to him and said, “Doctor So-and-So, my typists can’t even concentrate to do their jobs, they are so distracted by this. How did it happen?”
He was used to my mother. He knew those western women were crazy and my mother was the craziest of all of them and, thus, not to be trifled with.
He looked up the hall. He looked down the hall. He looked up the hall. He looked down the hall. He leaned in and whispered, “The goat bolted.”
Flamewar of the Day: Gawkers
No parking in rear
This actually happened last week, which is right and natural when you consider what a shitstorm last week was: when ELSE would it have happened, right? Instead of our usual fun flamewars, toying with the early drinkers and short bus riders of the blogosphere, this one went a little bit sideways and turned into something akin to watching hara kiri right there in the comments section on Gawker. What people are willing to do in front of strangers, and blame upon those strangers, never ceases to fascinate me.
There’s no question I was guilty, but what of exactly what, nobody is quite sure, except for the victim, who is quite sure of many things despite being quite wrong.
What is pretty much certain is that some grownups still have to learn that lesson about when to keep your mouth shut, the one most of us learned around the time we first encountered those savvy genii of the interwebs, Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer, not to mention Socrates, who came later (what with him being an old man and all).
Judge for yourselves, as always. This is from the comments section of a Gawker post about a “Spiderman” who freeclimbed a 58-story building with suction cups and was arrested for trespassing once he got to the top.
If residents gave him water en route, he can persuasively claim to have been a guest who was there with their permission.@raincoaster: How about the floors in which nobody gave him water? If I invite you to my apartment does that mean you get to visit all my neighbors? How about reckless endangerment of parked Dodges? How about his impending Darwin award nomination? Questions, questions for the jury..Seriously, this will be only a misdemeanor, no?
raincoaster promoted this comment@lethedrinker: Presumably even if you don’t invite him in, if your neighbors are okay with him walking by, he’s allowed to walk past your door via the hallway. He didn’t invade the apartments.@raincoaster: Well, he climbed past their windows without their permission. I’d consider that an invasion of privacy.This happened to me a few months ago. I live in a high rise condo looking directly at a bay, so privacy is not usually a concern. It’s a 1BR with a window in the BR; the LR has floor-to-ceiling doors to the balcony.
I got a notice saying that the window washing crew would be there on a certain date, and that they did not clean the windows in the LR, so I shut the blinds to the bedroom and thought I was all set.
Imagine my surprise when I was seated in the LR wearing only panties, and the crew appeared in my LR window to clean the glass balcony! I gently sank lower in the chair and raised my kindle to try and hide the tits. Not that they are anything to look at, I just prefer that people don’t.
They took 30 minutes to clean the damn balcony, and I couldn’t move in all that time.
So, with respect, your defense fails.
raincoaster promoted this comment@Registered: Isn’t there some merit to the argumenet that by keeping the blinds up or door open, one implicity lowers the threshold for reasonable expectation of privacy. According to my lawyer friend, cops often use this excuse (made up or otherwise) to get around fourth amendment restrictions – not directly relevant to the privacy argument..@lethedrinker: I don’t know about open front doors – they’re against the fire code here, must close automatically – but if I live in, say, a 26th floor condo that faces directly onto the ocean (or bay, in my case; you’d need the Hubble telescope to look in unless you are on a scaffold cleaning the windows ) then I would say the police lose their case.Also, are you suggesting that people should live in caves with the blinds shut and the doors closed, or else lose any right to privacy? Bushish.
raincoaster promoted this comment@Registered: I said reduced not lose any or all. Bushish? I bet such dubious arguments existed long before either Bush and will continue to be used till 2084.Anyway, it was a generic comment not specific to the 26th floor dwelling, bay watching, automatic door closing kindle readers.
@Registered: If you got a notice that the window washing crew would be there washing your windows on a certain date and you’re sitting in your apartment topless in your panties, SOMETHING ain’t an accident. And it ain’t invasion of privacy, either.
Flamewars of the Anklebiters!
You think Chihuahuas are vicious? You think they’re yappy? You think they’re neurotic? You haven’t met their owners.
Our latest flamewar comes to us from Gawker, where it grew from a post about the nutbag hoarder who dropped off 43 of the little fanged mutants at the Victoria SPCA.
See, here’s where I think deportation is a great idea. I would round up every fucking rat dog in san diego and demand to see their papers. Those without valid visas would be put in a dump truck and poured off a bridge 1′ south of the midline of the rio grande. Any that swam north would be shot for trying to re-immigrate.
I love dogs, but hate rats. And I’ve never yet seen any evidence that Chiuahuas belong in the former category. Reply
@m4ximusprim3: You don’t love dogs. Reply
m4ximusprim3 promoted this comment
@m4ximusprim3: If you want to come off as tactless and juvenile there are 3 things to make fun of: a person’s name; their accent; their dog. I’m sure you’re a rugged, woodsy outdoor type with a pair of all-American retrievers you hunt with regularly. We’re not all so manly, or have something to compensate for, so please try to be more understanding. Also, the last I knew, they allow chihuahuas at Westminster, and I’d say the AKC is a better arbiter of what is and isn’t a dog than you. Replym4ximusprim3 promoted this comment@bunzah_steele: Taxonomy and practicality are separate issues. Tomatoes and squashes are technically fruits, but you won’t find them in any fruit salads. Chihuahuas are technically dogs, but they don’t perform any of the activities normally associated with dogs, besides possibly barking.
I’m not saying you can’t love them, I’m saying they’re closer to trembly mole creatures than any practical definition of a dog. And if I had my way, they’d get cleared the hell out of san diego, where they’re ubiquitous as purse dogs and generally quite annoying. Reply
@bunzah_steele: And I’m against hunting on principle. If you want to take down a deer, you should have to fight it with a knife so the deer has a chance. Reply@m4ximusprim3: The purpose of chihuahuas is to be companion animals – particularly in the city, a task at which they excel. In that respect I’d say they are eminently practical. It’s not like they’re some breed developed 400 years ago in Scotland to hunt something now extinct that people continue breeding so they can parade it around to enhance their self image. How many people own mastiffs or sheepdogs that live the same life as any pampered sissy chihuahua? Incidentally, I’ve only been mocked with the tired “rat” putdown twice while walking my dogs, but this is New York and there are plenty of small dogs here because it makes sense to have a small dog in a small apartment. If San Diego is so terribly overrun, maybe YOU should get the hell out. Something to consider. Reply@m4ximusprim3: You want to know something that will probably make you go batshit crazy and have a fit in which you writhe around, froth at the mouth and bite the furniture? Yes? Well, many many small dogs are actually bred in Mexico and smuggled over the border and sold either on the street or in so-called “pet shops”. Happy now? Reply@m4ximusprim3: I’m a dog handler, and work with a number of different breeds of dogs. And chihuahuas are definitely dogs. I’ve seen them swim, hunt (butterflies), wrestle, play fetch, and do tricks. Like many small dogs they crave human companionship and attention somewhat more than large dogs. They are not particularly like rats, which my tiny poodle enjoys killing. Reply@m4ximusprim3: hey if I had MY was San Diego would get cleared out of Cali. Good thing we don’t always get what we want! Reply@m4ximusprim3: Max, you know what, if you got a little dog to take care of, say someone you know and like asked you to take care of their tiny dog just for a week, a weird thing would happen, you’d start to like this dog and find out the endearing qualities, and you’d see small dogs in a whole new way, and the reason I can tell this is because you defended bambi so you have a soft heart after all. Hahaha. Reply@m4ximusprim3: I never used the term “fucking,” advocated killing or used right wing anti-immigrant language in anything I wrote right out of the gate. So I think you win the vehemence award (a sash of rotting sardines). Your post was nasty, offensive and not funny. Practically everything mean you wrote was before I posted a word. So don’t blame it on me. OK, troll fed. Good night! Reply@m4ximusprim3: They’re doing more or less the same thing with humans.
But Chihuahua people are “fragile,” so behold the hate you get for saying this.
Chihuahuas are horrible, virtually untrainable, dumb knicknacks with teeth and bad tempers. They are pets for people who don’t actually like, you know, PETS. Reply
@m4ximusprim3: “Trembly mole creature.” Exactly! Reply@raincoaster: I think you’ve gotten to the heart of the issue- it’s really the Chihuahua people I hate, not their hairless, yapping charges.
Also, how on earth have I not hearted you before? We agree on virtually everything.
Rectified! Reply
@m4ximusprim3: Sorry, but I have to comment.
I have a 2 year old long-haired chihuahua named Charlie. Not only does he barely ever bark, he is a loyal, fun, clean DOG. I go on 15km runs all the time and he always keeps up. He’s not some little purse dog who yaps at everyone.
So to generalize like that is very insulting. Reply
@raincoaster: Love at last! At least something good came of this. Replyraincoaster promoted this comment@bunzah_steele: It’s great that you’re not defensive and high-strung. Because that would only reinforce what I’d said. Reply@raincoaster: And it’s refreshing that you’re not brutal, nasty, contemptuous and thin-skinned. Anybody can see from your posts in this thread that your humor is a marvel of droll subtlety. Reply@m4ximusprim3: wow, I have no idea what kind of cats you see. Reply@bunzah_steele: What, you didn’t know all of that already? Don’t you have teh googlez where you live? Reply@raincoaster: Oh right. You’re FAMOUS. I have to read your book. Reply@raincoaster: Oh, and drowning in cash, by the looks of your site. Reply@raincoaster: I swear I hit the damn pencil 24 times in 2 browsers and everything I could think of to cancel that mean one. I’m really sorry. Reply@bunzah_steele: No worries. If I couldn’t take a hit now and again I’d get off the internet.
Besides, if I’m famous for anything, it’s my impecuniousness! Reply
@raincoaster: Seriously, that video was the perfect humorous kiss-off and I hail your wit and timing. Reply@bunzah_steele: Thanks. See? What did I say? GROUP HUG! Reply@bunzah_steele: I assume you know about this site:
The Tomb of the Chihuahua Pharaohs Reply
@raincoaster: Yes, a friend sent it to me long ago. It’s pretty normal compared The Chihuahua Kingdom, which no longer exists. That was a site run by a husband & wife who had like 20 dogs living in individual plush cuevas, arranged like a subdivision. While they came off as very knowledgeable and responsible dog owners, the site was set up around a medieval castle theme, with sections like the Court of Learning and a Bridge of Remembrance. They had pretty good dog-rearing info nonetheless and this was back when I had my first chi. Then one day there was a message to the effect of “My wife, having assumed the identity of Steve on the site, has assumed it in real life. We are seeking immediate counseling and will be back when she is normal.” Which apparently never happened. So you’re right, chihuahua owners can be a fragile bunch, something I demonstrated myself. I’m still thoroughly abashed at my own ankle-biting with you, I guess it’s true that dog owners eventually start behaving like their pets! Of course, I’m all yours if you let me lick the paté knife. Reply@bunzah_steele: Oh my. That’s a wonderful story: I live for that sort of thing.
I had a border collie. Not sure what that says about me, except that I couldn’t take her near the playground because she would bite at the ankles of the kids in an attempt to herd them up the slide.
No worries. Getting into these kinds of spats is more or less what the comments section here is FOR, and nobody as equal-opportunity offensive as me goes long without getting up somebody’s nostrils.
Sesame Street Sob Story
Ever wonder where Oscar the Grouch came from? Seriously, if ever I saw a character with a backstory, Oscar is it.
Grover paid his dues the old-fashioned way, starting as a shoeshine monster and making his way as a waiter/comedian on the mean streets of Queens, until the day he was talent-scouted by the youthful duo of Ernie and Bert, auditioned for a new television project of theirs, and his fortune was made. Big Bird lucked out and made it on his first audition, if you believe the official storyline; unofficially, it’s believed that his never-seen but well-connected (Bunbury-ish?) Granny Bird had something to do with getting the clueless yet appealing big lug such a high-profile gig.
Elmo? Well, we’ve discussed Elmo.
Oscar’s story is a little different, a little more universal, a little more … dare we say it? Tragic.
raincoaster 