Category Archives: WTF

Hot Dog Legs has Legs

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Octodogs are eight times as hawt

Octodogs are eight times as hawt

What does it take to create a Tumblr that’s destined to go viral? Apparently it takes either: a) a Snooki-brown tan, a modicum of body oil, a good waxer, and an absence of visible musculature OR b) meat by-products.

Insert post-feminist joke here.

Hot Dog Legs is the very latest in one-joke virality, the new star in the firmament which already contains Jay Z’s 99 problems and exploding actresses, among many, many others. Hey, it’s Summer, don’t over-think things!

This Tumblr doesn’t even have any words to process, so there’s no risk of brain overheating. The concept is simple: photograph after photograph of the “same” thing. Are they hot dogs, or are they legs? Is that self-tanner or natural? Are those smokies or cheddar-stuffed? What does this say about the objectification of women and the human beings as meat metaphor? I don’t know, pass me another Margarita.

There is, it must be said, something about these photos that brings to mind cheap sunglasses, menthol cigarettes, and calories ingested in liquid form.

The post-literate simplicity of the site has not interfered with its popularity (to continue with the Snooki comparison). Their Facebook fan page was created less than a month ago, on July 28, and still has 3,186 Likes. The page’s own Likes include Gawker media, Sausages, 7-11, and the infamous, and apparently horsemeat-containing Ikea hot dog.

A few notes for aspiring legs and hot dogs: corn dogs will never work, because ain’t nobody got a complexion that bad. An even tan is essential, as is skin thick enough that the veins don’t show through. Don’t even think about trying this if you haven’t shaved or waxed recently, even if you’re blonde. There will be zero crossover between this blog and, say, FuckYeahHairyLegs, although the respective models might be interested in exchanging phone numbers.

Threading the Loopy: today in internet comments

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Kristen Stewart is So over your shit

Kristen Stewart is So over your shit

You’d roll your eyes too if you had to deal with this shit every damn day.

So, this thread was started, as many are, over on Gawker or rather the new Defamer where author “Anonymous” (not the one I know) called Kristen Stewart a “serial philanderer.” This is technically incorrect, as one can only philandize once married, and KStew has never been married. Thusly:

raincoaster

Technically she’s not the philanderer: he was. Wednesday 3:29pm

rosiedublinraincoaster

2

Shhhhhh. This isn’t about accuracy and facts, this is about using a tabloid narrative to destroy a young girl we hate because she’s our fantasy rival who always wins Rpatz from us in our dreams!! Don’t you know anything! Thursday 12:22pm

raincoasterrosiedublin

I can’t help it. I spent a summer in University reading etiquette books and just had to point that out. Saturday 5:26am

rosiedublinraincoaster

Wow. Interesting. I bet this site…and everything in the world, like, always…keeps you busy…doing that. But lame mild insistence that you’re actually not on the side of Bella Swan, and one half of ‘Robsten,’ noted grrl. ;) Saturday 8:51am

raincoasterrosiedublin

Psssst, rosiedublin, he is NEVER GOING TO BECOME AWARE OF YOUR EXISTENCE. Carry on with the rest of your life, and good luck finding purpose in it. Saturday 9:00pm

rosiedublinraincoaster

Um, since I’m not the one roasting his 22 yr old little gf over a spit in rabid vicious jealousy and clawing her face off, I think you better start repeating that mantra to your own cat lady ass or at least the bullying mad cows your pathetically trying to not appear in opposition to.

It’s okay – try this: your next post, just kick Kstew in the teeth once or twice, so they’ll think you’re one of them, my weasly cowardly little lemming. You initially came off as a possible pro Stewart voice in a sea of squalling vipers, with your little ‘philanderer’ correction…and we absolutely CANNOT have that. lol Yesterday 1:33am

raincoasterrosiedublin

1

See, this is why nobody likes you.

Your first post was lucid, and entertaining, and on-topic. Your second is … well, I’m going to assume you’re drunk. All day. Yesterday 3:30am

rosiedublinraincoaster

Because that’s my goal in life, to be “liked” by sad pathetic bullying cows who attack 22 yr old actresses dating their luuuuuv fantasy sex object. Hahahaha Today 12:30am

You take this amazingly seriously. How many years has it been since you left the house?

Operation Global Media Domination: The Mojave Phone Booth situation

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Lily Tomlin calls the Mojave Phone Booth

Lily Tomlin calls the Mojave Phone Booth

760-733-9969. Those 10 digits might signify nothing to the masses, but to the digerati, however, they tell one of the great stories of the Internet.

In short, the Mojave Phone Booth is back.

That’s the intro to my article on Jered Morgan’s resurrection of one of the most legendary phone numbers of all time. And here’s what one happy reader had to say about it. I remember this guy. Used to come into the Starbucks where I worked all the time. Nice guy. It did my heart good to see that at least one writer in the world was making enough to afford two lattes a day on money he didn’t have to make marketing stuff.

William Gibson was probably referring to Jered’s actions and not to my article, but I’m gonna take whatever I can get, right?

Someone else wrote a haiku about it:

Also, finally FINALLY I have been found Fark-worthy. Who knew people liked old-timey phone numbers so much?

Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but broccoli is a robber’s best friend.

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Emeralds for elephants yes you read that right

Emeralds for elephants yes you read that right

Just a couple of jewel robbery anecdotes, the first from the Tatler magazine, which used to be the most breathtakingly glamorous and vaguely scandalous thing out there. Ah, that was a long time ago. Now it’s Town and Country, with worse teeth. Both posts inspired by this dazzling jewel robbery on the Riviera, where by tradition all dazzling jewel robberies take place.

You know, on the one hand crime=bad. On the other, COOOOOOOOL!

I don’t know why, but why not? Non-violent jewel robberies are beautiful, beautiful things. There are some great stories out of London; in one case, a big emerald stone went missing while a shifty, Arab-looking man had been looking at a tray of loose stones. They stopped him, locked the doors, called the police, and had him searched thoroughly. The entire time he loudly protested his innocence and outrage and threatened to sue them. They couldn’t find a thing, inside him or out, so they had to let him go. A week later the cleaning woman found a wad of gum under the counter where he’d been looking at the gems, with the outline of that emerald pressed into it. He had a conspirator come by later and retrieve the stone from its ingenious hiding place.

and the second story, more a piece of advice really. But thanks, Officer Friendly!

I was working at Starbucks, and one day the bank a few doors down was held up. The bank staff holed up at our store, drinking cocoa and shaking, and the cops holed up at another table to discuss the case. One went up and placed their order, and I was working bar, which gives you a chance to chat to people. The cop came up to me to pick up the drinks and he said, “Promise me something.” I said okay, because I have a thing for men in uniform, and he said, “Promise me you won’t rob a bank.”

I said OK, because that had not been in my plans anyway.

He said, “Promise me you’ll rob a grocery store instead.” All of a sudden this conversation had become MUCH more interesting. I asked him why a grocery store.

“Because if you rob a bank you’ll get, at most $1800 and a minimum of five years. If you rob one of the big grocery store chains on a Friday night, you’ll get $20,000 minimum, and a maximum of 18 months.”

Well, thank you Officer Friendly. Noted.

Make your career plans accordingly.

From the Department of “We’re All Fucked”

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Flying Orca Flying Dolphin THEY ARE COMING!!!

Flying Orca Flying Dolphin THEY ARE COMING!!!

I WARNED YOU ALL!!!! I warned you, and you laughed, didn’t you, or at least you lol’d and posted it to Twitter. I know you, you and your lol-ing, Twitter-posting ways.

But you didn’t take it seriously, and now look what’s happened while you were off posting cat pictures to Facebook: they’ve begun to spread. The first Flying Orca, as previously reported, was spotted in BC, as was the first known Flying Humpback Whale. The Cascadia region is a well-known refuge for cryptids, from the noble Sasquatch to the mighty Ogopogo, and not forgetting the endangered Pacific Tree Octopus. Now according to the Daily Mail, the terrifying Flying Orca been spotted off the coast of Mexico. Obviously they have a means of long-distance communication that not even the NSA can detect!

Meanwhile, under the sea, all has become a deranged orgy of climate change-inspired breeding and cannibalism! It’s like a Russ Myers/Roger Corman film starring the Deep Ones!

But it gets worse.

Just as normally-submarine predators have taken to the skies, so too have voracious land-based killing machines begun to encroach on environments in which they were previously unknown.

That’s right: you are not safe on the land, in the air, or on the sea. Sleep well. As for me, I’m off to buy a shovel and start digging.

Make way for Megalodon!

Make way for Megalodon! Now boarding in rows OH SHIT to WE’RE FUCKED.